I can't help to think of myself becoming a bitter person. I don't want this, but some little things get under my skin and i flip my lid. I look at everything in the negative, now. What was good is now bad, what was too bright is now to damn dark. I don't know if its just me being a bitter grumpy old man, or if this means i'm changing into someone i hate.
RECALL TO REALITY:
Maybe the simple fact that i notice i am being grumpy, and do not like it is the indication that it is a minor thing that can be changed. If i see it, and don't like it, i can make it go away by turning on the light, or adding some sugar to it. The fact i notice this reminds me i still have a soul, and is still a good one, just needs guidance and clarity. I am not a bad person. Nor do i want to be. I cant let the evil temptations pull me down to the flames.
I cant help to notice myself getting upset, or being so crudely skeptical, or even outright insulting. When that happens it leaves the bitterness on my tongue, and it stays there. For a long time. Some people do things, admit it, gain forgiveness, and forget it ever happened. Not me. I become so ashamed of myself of the wrongs i do, it marinates inside for years.
Example:
When i was in college for the first time, i was with a girl (for the sake of privacy i will not use real names) L. she was young, and not really around because of the distance. I slept with a girl i met in college, A, and fell head over heels for her. I never told L what i did, i just dumped her while being an asshole to her. That still sits in my heart, and I don't know if she ever will know. But that, was only the tip of the ice berg. After the dump, I used A in so many ways, but never abused her. She bought me food, use her bed, drive me to and from class, bring me where ever, and bought me tickets to concerts. I said thanks, did her, and forgot about her. Then i met another woman, C. i was with her for over a year, but she was distanced in another state. Again, i remembered A, and cheated on C with her. Treated C like dirt, got dumped, and A wanted nothing to do with me anymore. It stuck in side, for a few years, i apologized to A for treating her that way, she forgave me, but the fact i did it still hurts. She may have forgiven and forgotten, but i don't feel deserving of forgiveness. I just recently told C about me and A doing what we did. She ultimately forgave me, but the guilt remains within me.
I explained that her forgiveness was the first step to forgiving myself, and its a long process.
Sometimes i feel that having the conscious i have is more of a curse than a blessing. I feel for everyones sympathy, no matter what the emotion is, i can feel it. kinda like a super power, but less intense. I feed of of the emotions of others, when one is hurt, i do to. But it goes the same way with happiness. When others are happy, so am I.
Just gotta keep my head on straight.
And add a packet of Sweet-N-low to my coffee. Or six.
Awesome insight. You know, your conscience is your indicator that you are still on the right track. I know many people who have no conscience and continuously commit foul and despicable acts with no remorse. I'm careful to give advice so I'll just tell you some of my experiences. First, I learned that forgiveness has to start from me. There are people I've injured who've never forgiven me, that's o.k. As soon as I reached out to them, my forgiveness had already begun. The important thing was that I forgave myself. Next, I have a real enemy who seeks my death. He wants nothing more than to see me miserable and to keep me that way. He's very subtle, guilt is one of his tools. Holding onto guilt helps him out. Let it go. I'm careful what I put into my mind. Seriously. I had to let go of a lot of negative, everyday programming because of the negative ideas they promoted including gangster rap music, which I loved at one time, sexually explicit programming, because viewing the exploitation of another person is extremely damaging, and demeaning animation(Family Guy, Robot Chicken,etc) which uses humor to cast poison and finally, people who don't care if their negativity hurts anyone else. I took for granted what I was watching and listening to because I did it for entertainment, yet their messages are rooted in negativity which was causing me to be negative. Put simply, what you put in your mind is what you push out of your being!
ReplyDelete-And you said that MY post was insightful! :) thanks man. You are solid proof that somone can live in the darkest part of their souls for their whole lives, and make a 180 and live within the light, becoming a better happier person.
ReplyDeleteMan I've been in that position for a while, but I think I'm coming out of it for good. "The world is what you make it".
ReplyDelete