So, today is the day.
I took a big step to... well a major change.
Today, I went to LuMon's burial site. I talked to him, and told him a bit about what has happened since the last time i visited him. My family came with me, and finaly got to meet him.
I came to a conclusion. With this happening at such a young age, its natural id blame myself. (at any age it'd be normal to do that) but the timing was rough. It got into my mind and heart that it was my fault. Like, if i didnt feel guilty, i wouldnt be human, or something. I let the day cripple me in such a way, I stayed introverted, made less friends, got afraid of getting close to people, but when i did, i'd hold them too close, until they push away. So, relationship tug-of war in a way. I didnt want to celebrate my birthday, because it felt like celebrating his death. So i tried not too.
I didnt want to. Most celebrations on my birthday since then was... not exactly consensual.
in my mind, i'd be telling myself i didnt deserve this. A celebration, or this happiness.
I ran from all of this, for 22 years. I need to stop blaming myself, stop running.
I learned something back then, but it wasnt to push people away and never celebrate that day again... It was to enjoy every moment you have, because it may be your last. And as far as those you care about, be there for them, love them, because it may be the last time to see them.
Celebrate life.
While at the site, i looked at the picture, and the wind blew it closed. not just once, but several times. From how i understood this was it was him telling me to stop beating myself up about it. To let it go. He wouldnt want me to do this to myself. "Shut the door" so to speak.
I think thats what ill do. stop living in the past. Remember him of course, but i cant dwell on it and blame myself anymore.
First step. I may visit next year too, and i know i want to do RR in memory of him.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Birthday Month: #2
This month is supposed to be more happy for me, and my family...
Wifes birthday, one of my son's birthday, my birthday, last day of school and the first day of summer.
Also, the past 3 years, May means a paid film-related project.
But, this month is also a reminder of my 9th birthday party. It never fails.
This year, is the first year in a while I may actually WANT to do something for it.
(To see first Blog this is related to, heres the link:
http://mindofmykosis.blogspot.com/2015/05/birthday-month.html
***Be aware, it may be depressing.***)
(So may be the rest of this blog)
As stated in the first blog on this topic, i get sad and depressed every May. It's hard to for me to be anything else in May anymore. I dont want to forget him, but i dont want the event to haunt me either.
I really should visit his site, and just talk to him. It may help with closure, seeing as how i didnt attend the funeral. (I was told I would regret not going... and I do.) I didnt think i could handle it emotionally. I probably would have broken apart, after all, i feel so responsible. The way his parents looked at me afterwards, the way they reacted, and sued us. They totally blamed me. I could see it in his mother's eyes. They were still in denial, but the fear of the facts were slowly creeping up on her. She will never be able to hug her baby again. Never be able to call him to dinner, or help him with his homework. Never see her baby graduate High School at the top of his class, get a great respectful job, and marry a good woman and give her grand babies. The three special little words he told her every day will never be heard from him again... She gave me a little picture of him. I with i still had it. But i remember the picture. Ill never see him again either.
I'm sure his family still curses me to this day. Might Still swear that "little boy" did it on purpose, and got away with it.
I could have done something. I SHOULD have done something. Reach out to him and grab his hand, float over to him and help him up. Try to save him straight up, or just call for help.
I fear this of my children. I fear that the feeling may be repaid to me, of losing a child. I can only imagine it- and then i want to cry and never stop. I love them, and every word they speak. Every face they make, noises that irritate me, and when they play with their food, or create something that makes no sense... I love the shit out of them.
I dont want to imagine my life without them.
I would be hollow. I would be unable to feel.
I may never laugh again if it really happened.
I did make a promise to him when i visited him the first time with the Marine Recruiter Officer. To live life for the both of us. I have lived life for half of myself.
It's past time to live up to that promise.
"RR-LB"
Wifes birthday, one of my son's birthday, my birthday, last day of school and the first day of summer.
Also, the past 3 years, May means a paid film-related project.
But, this month is also a reminder of my 9th birthday party. It never fails.
This year, is the first year in a while I may actually WANT to do something for it.
(To see first Blog this is related to, heres the link:
http://mindofmykosis.blogspot.com/2015/05/birthday-month.html
***Be aware, it may be depressing.***)
(So may be the rest of this blog)
As stated in the first blog on this topic, i get sad and depressed every May. It's hard to for me to be anything else in May anymore. I dont want to forget him, but i dont want the event to haunt me either.
I really should visit his site, and just talk to him. It may help with closure, seeing as how i didnt attend the funeral. (I was told I would regret not going... and I do.) I didnt think i could handle it emotionally. I probably would have broken apart, after all, i feel so responsible. The way his parents looked at me afterwards, the way they reacted, and sued us. They totally blamed me. I could see it in his mother's eyes. They were still in denial, but the fear of the facts were slowly creeping up on her. She will never be able to hug her baby again. Never be able to call him to dinner, or help him with his homework. Never see her baby graduate High School at the top of his class, get a great respectful job, and marry a good woman and give her grand babies. The three special little words he told her every day will never be heard from him again... She gave me a little picture of him. I with i still had it. But i remember the picture. Ill never see him again either.
I'm sure his family still curses me to this day. Might Still swear that "little boy" did it on purpose, and got away with it.
I could have done something. I SHOULD have done something. Reach out to him and grab his hand, float over to him and help him up. Try to save him straight up, or just call for help.
I fear this of my children. I fear that the feeling may be repaid to me, of losing a child. I can only imagine it- and then i want to cry and never stop. I love them, and every word they speak. Every face they make, noises that irritate me, and when they play with their food, or create something that makes no sense... I love the shit out of them.
I dont want to imagine my life without them.
I would be hollow. I would be unable to feel.
I may never laugh again if it really happened.
I did make a promise to him when i visited him the first time with the Marine Recruiter Officer. To live life for the both of us. I have lived life for half of myself.
It's past time to live up to that promise.
"RR-LB"
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