Birthday Month: #2

This month is supposed to be more happy for me, and my family...
Wifes birthday, one of my son's birthday, my birthday, last day of school and the first day of summer.
Also, the past 3 years, May means a paid film-related project.

But, this month is also a reminder of my 9th birthday party. It never fails.
This year, is the first year in a while I may actually WANT to do something for it.

(To see first Blog this is related to, heres the link:
http://mindofmykosis.blogspot.com/2015/05/birthday-month.html

***Be aware, it may be depressing.***)


(So may be the rest of this blog)

As stated in the first blog on this topic, i get sad and depressed every May. It's hard to for me to be anything else in May anymore. I dont want to forget him, but i dont want the event to haunt me either.

I really should visit his site, and just talk to him. It may help with closure, seeing as how i didnt attend the funeral. (I was told I would regret not going... and I do.) I didnt think i could handle it emotionally. I probably would have broken apart, after all, i feel so responsible. The way his parents looked at me afterwards, the way they reacted, and sued us. They totally blamed me.  I could see it in his mother's eyes. They were still in denial, but the fear of the facts were slowly creeping up on her. She will never be able to hug her baby again. Never be able to call him to dinner, or help him with his homework. Never see her baby graduate High School at the top of his class, get a great respectful job, and marry a good woman and give her grand babies. The three special little words he told her every day will never be heard from him again... She gave  me a little picture of him. I with i still had it. But i remember the picture. Ill never see him again either.
I'm sure his family still curses me to this day. Might Still swear that "little boy" did it on purpose, and got away with it.
I could have done something. I SHOULD have done something. Reach out to him and grab his hand, float over to him and help him up. Try to save him straight up, or just call for help.

I fear this of my children. I fear that the feeling may be repaid to me, of losing a child. I can only imagine it- and then i want to cry and never stop. I love them, and every word they speak. Every face they make, noises that irritate me, and when they play with their food, or create something that makes no sense... I love the shit out of them.
I dont want to imagine my life without them.
I would be hollow. I would be unable to feel.
I may never laugh again if it really happened.

I did make a promise to him when i visited him the first time with the Marine Recruiter Officer. To live life for the both of us. I have lived life for half of myself.

It's past time to live up to that promise.

"RR-LB"