Santa Claus Magic + Some

Santa Clause. So many kids believe in him as a magical man who wears a red suit, drives a magic reindeer pulled sleigh, and delivers toys to kids on Christmas that his magic elves made for the good girls and boys.
Now I don't like the lies we (as adults) tell our kids when it comes to this. It seems wrong. But i suppose in a way it isn't a FULL lie.
Santa did exist a long time ago, and from what I gathered was he made small toys out of wood and gave them to the kids in nearby towns on Christmas. There's movies on it, and you can bet there are books too. So, its us continuing his tradition of giving, and knowing if our kids are being good or not. The spirit in which we give IS the SPIRIT of Santa. (In a sense). The magic is something that relates to a child, telling them that anything is possible. I mean, if reindeer can fly across the world in one night, what else can be possible? ANYTHING. In a child's mind, everything is real, anything is real. They can fly, be super heroes, be rock stars, build a robot out of Lego's, the stars aren't even the limit here. Meeting aliens and teaching them our earthican language and history? In the mind of a child, it's what he has scheduled after lunch. Catching a ghost with a blanket and flashlight? Only after dark- in a child's mind. They bang on pots, and buckets with spoons... in their head they are on their second encore with the Wiggles in Madison Square, Live on TV. Doesn't make sense? Neither do half the things they do, say, or believe in. But its all clear to them. No divisions, no nay-say, no limits. It is, what it is in their mind. Color isn't an issue, unless they are taught to think it is. If any child grows up hearing they will never amount to anything... They wont. Keeping a child's imagination within the realm of "reality" is a shameful waste.
Who would you talk to about buying a car? Someone who knows about cars right? How bout some new recipes? You ask someone who's a good cook. Where do you get Ideas for toys? Ask the experts on toys... The kids. Let their imagination go nuts for now, and we jot down (what we understand) and bring it to our (adult) realm of thinking, and create the toy they want and need. Which keeping adults as ideas for toys, is always that limit unless you have that right child-minded adult who can still think in the realm of a child. Could be why a lot of toys now suck.

Well, anyway.
I was older than I should have been when my mom told me about Santa. Granted, I was upset, and cried about it for a while. I felt like magic was taken from me that day. Everything I believed in was a lie. But its not true... I believed in something based on truth, but exaggerated from someone who had the unique child-like mind set. I believe in magic today. I believe in Santa (a form of, anyway) If i didn't have my beliefs in the possibility of magic, super powers, creatures of other origin- I wouldn't have near as much fun with my kids as i do. I like to encourage the silly and absurd. Let the kids use their imagination, make up something nutty and i can make it (seemingly) legit after I record it. Like a wizard skit, my oldest had a straw he called his magic wand. Idea! Had him and his mommy have a wizard's duel. It came out looking pretty cool.
No one should be told that something is impossible, but it happens all the time. Its a limit that gets put in our heads that stops our "out of the box" thinking. it Stops new ideas.

Believing in a lot of that stuff starts with Santa, tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny. Its magic to us as kids, and its fun. Take the magic away too soon, those kids stay grounded, but doesn't see anything past logic and physics. Which, isn't always bad. But it may not be who they wanted to be.

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***Touchy Subject Warning*** Topic: Religion*** Read @ Your own Risk***
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Here's something else to ponder about...
When Santa (etc) was taught to us as kids, as well as God... Then find out that 3 of 4 are actually made up, Where did you think your credibility was gonna go for the fourth one? That would imply we adults tell the truth 25% of the time. So why do we as kids need to tell the truth 100% of the time?
As far as the big G goes... It's another form of magic. Called Science.
Anything and everything can be scientifically proven or explained. The creation of the universe, evolution, water cycles, flight...
"Someone" knew we would look for answers to our questions of where we live, and curiosity of places we don't. Something had to be done to "prove it", so it was scientifically created.
Evolution. Adam and Eve? Perhaps, on a "test" planet. Made Adam, and thought he was pretty cool. Then made woman, and the serpent came... you know the story about the garden of Eden. It very well could have been another planet. Or an alternate universe. Have we found evidence of A&E existing? No. Evolution though, yes. One thing could have happened was the Neanderthals, finally evolved to, as bible refers to as A&E, but were fully aware they were nude, which could mean the alternate test planet was possible, and now, Homo sapien is here. If A&E were the first two humans on Earth, well... Let's just say we wouldn't be so intelligent right now. (If you don't get it, its probably for the best) I'd rather be an evolved form of Ape than brothers and sisters hooking up.

I know my head is conflicted with my firm magic/science combo platter way of thinking, but it makes sense in my mind, and that's what matters about it all. I feel obligated to say that I am not putting this up in order to sway you one way or the other, I'm not spitting on your believes or your way of thinking. I'm not telling you your wrong, nor am I saying I am right. What I am saying is this is my opinion. This is what I have to say about this topic, right now. And if you don't like what I had to say, then all I can tell you is "Oh well. I warned you. Have a nice day."

Fast Food Vent

I know a lot of people eat fast food.
And I also know I have mentioned this before.
Take into consideration that there is a human being making your order. Regardless of how hungry you are, when or how you order it, a person is back there making it. Now, take into consideration that this person may have woke up at 4:30 am, with only a few hours of sleep for whatever reason. Maybe this person hasn't eaten anything yet today. Every order someone makes stops them from eating the cold scraps they can find. Notice I said SCRAPS. This person does not get a break, nor do they get a meal without paying for it. It would be okay, but they just might have used their last bit of money to get diapers for the child they are supporting. This person could also have a history of digestive system issues, such as stomach ulcers, ulcerative colitis, hemorrhoids, etc... So not being able to eat allows the stomach acid level to increase and eat the lining of the stomach. (aka stomach ulcers) This could lead to days out of work eventually, and this person loses money.
Or, maybe it isn't so bad. Maybe they are just trying to get all the prep and clean-up done before the next crew comes in, because their spouse needs to be at work less than an hour after they were SUPPOSED to leave, and there is one car, and two kids to look after. By coming in and ordering massive amounts of artery-clogging garbage, they have to stay late to finish their job, and their spouse will be late, which can get them fired, which strains their finances...
See where I'm going with this?
You may be thinking "Gee, this guy just hates the customers!" And you are mostly wrong. I dislike many customers, because they come off as ignorant and lazy. Not only that but they always seem to come at the wrong times. That isn't their fault, and i get that. I also understand that without the customer, there is no business and i don't make money. There are customers that come often who have special requests, and when I have the time I really don't mind it at all. So, in sense, I love my customers. I greatly appreciate their business.
I would just love for some of them to try to remember how to use a toaster for their poptarts.

If you read this rant till now....
Bless you, and thank you for allowing the vent session.

Flying Solo

Lately, I have been aching to do some videos and such.
People all have lives, and i get that. All im asking is a little cooperation. When you say you will help, i expect it. It looks as though no one cares enough to say or do anything to help.
So, im flying solo. I cannot motivate them apparently, and it looks as though my film-career is a bust. I have like 17 ppl in the SETXPFM group and 2 or 3 respond to anything. Even when i tag them. Im looking for talent, and no one wants to help. I have to do all of this PRE pro, which i don't mind, but when i ask for help, and they say they will, i'm expecting help damnit.

I cant seem to get anything going here for me, and it blows. It has become an expensive hobby. I still do Sonic. I open now. 5 am to 11am. my 2 days off, the mrs works. Imagine the schedule conflicts i already have on that, much less adding another person's to the equation.

Next, it's like Im expected to do it for free. What the hell, am i a charity who donates my time for a production with little reward except a pat on the back and a "Thanks"?
I cant spend "Thanks". "Thanks" won't put gas in my car, pay my electricity, and help make up lost time on other projects and my family. If i have a job that pays, and a job that doesn't, which job do you think im gonna take bro? Food is at least a start. Work long and hard hours for no money, at least feed them. Its the LEAST you could do. So, what seems to be expected is everyone is to donate their own gas money, time and efforts to a project we see little benefit from. The only way i can get anyone a little motivated is offer some cash. Im taking gas into consideration as well as time off from work. At this point, it looks like the only one saving up for it is me. My money going to someone elses production. Sorry. Not unless you chip in to homie. And even then, ill be getting producer credits, and since i wrote the script (twice) and intend to cast, shoot, edit, and vfx it... I think its safe to say a lot of my efforts will be going into this and I expect some recognition for it, so if it has to be producer credit because my money was the only money that went into it, then so be it. I tell you what. You want this thing off the ground? Cast it, and collect a budget. How? I dont care. Fund raiser? Sell lemonade, cookies, odd-jobs for neighbors- think like you really want this to happen and you will do what it takes to ensure it does. Ill be putting my money where i see fit.

I want to do this doritos crash the bowl thing, and we have a few ideas, and some people want to do it, others don't. The ones who do get tied between two ideas. I can't do this on my own. The only help i can rely on is my 6-year old son as a DA/Actor, and Wife as a Wrangler/Crafts/DA/Actress/Secondary Camera Op.

I cant crap something awesome without given someone or something to work with. If you want to shoot something, meet me halfway, and be sure you want to do the project. if you have any doubts, lets hash them out and find what will work. Dont back out on me when it comes time. The "I forgot" excuse is old as time itself.
I'm not a miracle worker, you have to pull your share of the load, and if i give you a role to do, like casting, or writing something i can work with, I expect it to get done, and i expect updates. Its getting me all pissy that this keeps happening.

People thinking this is just something fun to do when ever they want. Well, yeah, i suppose it can be seen that way, but when you tell me your all in... It becomes a job. Thats what this needs to be for me. A Career. Not a hobby. A CAREER. I need to be able to pay bills and loans with this income i bring with this. When I don't have a reliable team, it makes it impossible.
So these people who expect me to do this shit for free, or an EXTREMELY discounted price to where its hardly worth the time, and those who wont meet me halfway on anything, or if you think any part of this post was directed to you in anyway, I say this to you:::

"Thanks for crushing my dreams of being a VFX artist and sentencing me to paying off thousands of dollars of school loan debt while working fast food the rest of my life.
P.s. You Suck.
-Micah"

"TEAMWORK"- a work related rant.

Ok. When you work ANYWHERE theres always a form of team work involved. When someone is not doing their share of the workload, the load falls on someone else, making their job a little harder. When ten people do half their jobs, someone else has to work 3.5 times harder picking up the slack, and the more one person has to do, the thinner they are trying to spread themselves, the job has to be done quickly, or even half-ass. Then someone has to go behind them, and THEY are seen as lazy and sloppy.
None of it is fair, damnit. Im gonna say this shit how i want to, and if theres a problem, oh well.

It isnt fair, that im told im slow, and that i need to speed up, by someone who isnt calling things out. Im only one person in the kitchen for 6 hours damnit, and i'm supposed to handle 300+ orders on my own without you calling out anything? With the stalls, I hear the loud beeps, so i know to keep an eye on the screen, but with drive thru being on a headset, i cant hear anything. Im doing tomatoes, or bacon, dishes, onions, whatever... and i look on the screen, theres an order that has a minute and a half on it already. Nothing cooking. Last week, i made a point to say something to her about calling shit out.... I got a headset of my own, so i know whats coming in drive thru, if anything. I made a point of showing her. Before that, i asked her to call it out. She round-about said "Sheah, right. Like that's gonna happen." So then... I got the headset, which was my way of giving her the finger nicely.
And lets not forget, that they also want me to bag the shit? Okay, so let me get this straight..... I have to prep for the day, make several orders ALONE for 6 hours, with a manager who comes in and saves the day by getting out a single tot, clean up, and bag your shit so you and the other two people up front can make a few drinks, and you can stick your self out the window and chat it up with a customer in the window? Why are you getting paid more than me? Why are you a manager? You make your wage AND TIPS. You get a free meal for fucks sake. I dont. I have to buy my food. its half price, but I DONT HAVE CASH for that. Guess who does? Those who get tips. So... Cooks are immune to hunger?
To break it down, I'm expected to be lightning fast, read minds, and be immune to hunger... Wonder why so many of us have health issues? Stroke? Heart problems? Stomach Ulcers?

Here. I'll explain that.
Stroke, and heart problems.... Managers with free meals.
Stomach Ulcers... Cooks withOUT free meals.

Poof.
Look. not all cooks get them... Just the honest ones do. The honest ones who choose NOT to steal from their employer. The rest eat whatever, whenever they feel like. And its hard to stay honest when your health takes a dive, and the ones who steal aren't being punished. No consequences, no problem. So I eat little things here and there to keep the stomach pains at bay. Sometimes a full sandwich.
Its total bullshit... One free meal for cooks with a 6+ hour shift. Thats all we want damnit. If we rang it up, it wouldnt be stealing, and the computer counts it, so food cost goes down.
Food cost is high because of one manager specifically who makes food for themselves, and family of like, 3 or 4 people on a regular basis. Lets also not forget when other Hops come in and make their own stuff and not ring it up. Why am i being punished for doing the right thing? It makes no sense, and I'm running out of reasons to stay honest, and be a good employee here. I shouldnt have to pull so much of other lazy ass'es slack to make their job easier, when it makes mine harder. I should WANT to help them out. "Oh, hey, let me bag that sense your busy..." Not ... "Tray 3...." *looks around; one is on their phone, one is leaning out the window BS'ng with customer, and number 3 is nowhere to be found... "Okaaaay... I guess I"LL get it, sense everyone else is SO DAMN BUSY." bag, put it on Drive-thru table. "Tray 3..." she Doesnt budge... *throws hands in the air and scoffs* Lazy ass fucks...

The best manager there has been marked as the devil incarnate or something, a total black sheep to "The Family" What ever he says, they do the opposite. She plays favorites, gives out free food to her family (as stated earlier) and the night kitchen has no idea how to train a new employee, stock, or clean without her there... its sad. He's marked as the asshole for telling them to do their jobs. He only works one day out of the week, and hes still the one manager who gives a damn enough to BE the asshole. He is running out of fucks to give at this place. Hes been considering throwing in the towel, and say "fuck it. I'm out." I dont blame him. The only thing keeping me here is the paycheck. I stopped caring like, 6 years ago. I got a family... wife kids. They need me to work the shit job to get the shit money to pay for the shit we need to shit. (you know what i mean) So, I'm stuck. I want out of fastfood. Have wanted out for 7 years now. It blows.... I have a degree in film and video production, then move to a town where it's LITERALLY useless. All i can do is TV/news stuff (which will be a big difference from film) and do the jobs that no one else wants- the "untouchables" Weddings, birthdays, graduations--- the jobs no one wants to do because of the "one chance to make it or break it" mindset.

Well i shot my first (professional) wedding last saturday. I think it went very well. It didnt stress me out as much as I was expecting- Well, one point before it, before we left for the job someone had some unpleasant things to say which pissed me off to a point of... (nvm) Well, it threw off the good vibes i was having, and the "Mojo" I had going on. Feelin' good, im ready, were set, turn the lights on and lets shoot this thing! "Kick the tires and light the fires big daddy!" and then- O_o wTf?!
Luckily while waiting for the ceremony to start, I was able to calm down and try to re-work the Mojo. Shooting some B-roll helped calm my nerves, and ease the tension. Some nice footage too, I saw mine and Stacie's but as far as camera 3's stuff... havent seen it yet, i dont even have it. Idk how long i should wait for it before i call him about it, and idk when the bride wants the video to be done by.... I sure as hell won't be calling or txting her on her honeymoon. I'd be pissed off if I got a business related message during that time.

So thats what my degree is going to... Side jobs and fun stuff on the side.
Expensive hobby, too. Yay me. I was so smart getting this degree. I cant even afford the minimum payments on the student loans when it comes due.
What the fuck am I going to do....
Tv and film are not the same.
Do you kick a soccer ball on a hockey rink? Or shoot hoops with a catchers' mitt?
"Tv, movies, same thing... " No. not really. Same game, different ball.

Parents, this is for the next generation...

To my fellow parents and child care givers:
I have some beef with some of you...
As being a parent or child care giver, you are in part, if not entirely responsible for who your child turns out to be when they grow up.
When a child has no discipline from their parents, the child sees no consequences for any misdeeds. If you don't pop their hand when they take something from another child, they are thinking "Stealing must be okay." And by being sweet, and saying "no, no... don't do that..." they will always do it again to test us. Many of us have that "testing" child. The child we feel a leash is necessary to keep track of them while getting groceries. A child with a parent who does not discipline will be a child with no respect for their parents, or other people. They will not respect the law, and will be arrested for whatever reason of law breaking. It starts as toys, or cookies at age two, but it grows to electronics and robing liquor stores at 25. Sometimes that kid will need a pop on the butt. Gets their attention (most of the time) and reminds them that you are the parent, and they must respect your authority. By doing so, they will respect their elders, other people, and the law. Less likely to land in jail for a serious offence.
Silly example, yet very accurate, Simpsons. In an episode where a hurricane blows down Flanders's house, and didn't touch the simpsons, we learned that Ned was quite a terrible child. Pulling kids hair, hitting screaming, slamming kids faces into tables and kicking them, just a nightmare. His parents were hippie-types that didn't believe in discipline. Ned saw no consequences for what he did, so he did whatever he wanted. After the psychiatrist spanked him for a long period of time, the good little Ned flanders ding dang doodly, was bor-diddly-orn. We know flanders and how good he and his kids are. Good 'ol religion and corporal punishment put him in his place.

You probably think something like, "That's just a stupid cartoon, it cannot be used as fact."

And I will say,

A- Cartoons are an art form in it's self, and should be at least respected as the art form they are. Not to mention all the talent that goes into it of so many varieties, of drawing, voice acting, story writing. So much goes into the 20 minutes of a single cartoon.
PERSPECTIVE SPOT: Average cartoon will be about 20, 25 minutes due to commercial break. that would be 600 to 1500 seconds. Here's where shit gets real... there are 24-30 frames per second. So, your looking at 14,400 frames in a 20 minute, 24fps cartoon. That's a MINIMUM. Can you draw the same thing 14,400 times and flip them together to make a 20 minute cartoon? No? Then keep your disrespect full comments to yourself. Want a BIGGER challenge? Think celebrity deathwatch. ALL CLAY. STOP MOTION. 25 minutes of 30fps. Move these clay dudes in a sequence of them killing each other 45,000 times WITHOUT mistakes.
RESPECT. You don't have to like it to respect it. All of us hated our parents growing up. But we still respected them. Respect the art of it before you knock it.

B- The stories HAVE to come from somewhere. The story about Ned could have very well been an exaggerated version of a true story that happened to one of the writers or someone who worked on the show. One thing i learned in my screenwriting class was that their will always be a part of you and your life in everything you write. Weather you try or not, it will happen. You will always end up writing yourself into your script. The long time of spanking Ned most likely was an exaggeration, but the initial spanking itself was enough to bring out the good little boy within. He was respectful to everyone, even homer, who stole his stuff and treated him like compost. PERSPECTIVE:
Ever watch something on TV, or on a movie and find yourself relating to a similar situation? Understanding what they were thinking without them saying a word? Find yourself wondering what will happen next to this character you just met, but feel like you've known them for their whole lives? The writers probably lived it in some way, and used their life experiences, and the "what if"s to relate to you. As a writer, I have to care about my character to write them and get you to love them, and care about what happens to them. You see a man playing with his kid in a park, and they are both having the time of their lives. Then he wakes up, and you find out his son was killed in a car accident. Why Do you care? Because you relate. You can only imagine the loss, unless we lived it ourselves, but either way, we all know what its like to loose someone we love so much. Now, you care about "A Man". You sympathize with him and his loss. If you tell me you never felt for a character in entertainment, you are lying. Respect the lives lived within the heart of the writers. Respect the ache of reliving it as you write it for a work of entertainment, to let you know you are not alone with that pain.

C- Personal example. I learned from cartoons from the 90's. I learned what some words meant, what some things were, a good idea of what to do in a situation, there were morals to the story, even if they were a monologue at the end of the show. Captain planet. Don't pollute the earth, take care of the planet. Ninja Turtles, fight for what it right, Ren & Stimpy, friends will always be there to have your back. Same thing with Rocko's Modern life. Friends stick together. Beavis and Butthead, Things can work out for the worst of us, including the most unfortunate, and how NOT to get girls to like you. That's just a few things I learned from 90's cartoons... But WTF is spongebob's message?

Cartoons affect kids too. They see what is acceptable in that cartoon world, but see something that isn't acceptable, and the character gets into trouble for it. Kids learn that stuff. They learn from watching us. If i playfully pop my wife on the butt, and my boys see it, they see its okay. Which happens... We do correct them, and say it isn't okay for them to do it unless your married. Holding doors open, and the hugs, the yes sir, no sir, yes maim, no maim... I teach my boys respect for everyone, especially women, like their momma. (she carried you for the first ten months of your life, was in labor, painful labor with you for several hours, and still sacrifices so much for you... You better respect the woman who you call Momma.)

Sum it up, Discipline your kids, if you don't correct them now, the state will correct them in the future.

By being overly paranoid about them, omg- why do you need to know what a kids poop looks like, and when it happens, and wont let your kids eat any snacks with the other kids in daycare... Now your kid feels like an oddball. And if it continues, he may hate you for the rest of his life for keeping away from all the yummy snacks the other kids eat at school. I know, you will pack his lunch with seaweed or rice cakes, or whatever health-nut stuff you got going on, and in middle school, especially, will be made fun of. Want him to be called a mermaid? Flounder? Any other ocean movie reference? No. Send the kid some teddy grams, cheese-its. oreos man. Let a kid, be a kid when it comes to food. Not only crap, but how bout a cookie or two when he eats all his dinner? That's more than fair. (this kid has no allergies or sicknesses, just a paranoid parent) No TV for the kid either? OMG. Now hes gonna be even more of an oddball for not knowing what happened on Saturday's cartoons. Ever miss a Show, and felt out of the loop when friends talk about it? That ll be this kid 24/7. The child may have a hard time using imagination, which will also prevent him from being creative enough to solve problems in many fields.

I suppose I could say these things from a personal experience. I watched TV, and I was spanked, I am creative and respectful, i have never been in trouble with the law, and I love my parents.

Every decision you make to raising their kids will affect them, even at before 3 or 5.
Most people will have a memory starting at age 5, but some will start at 3.
Not many people remember how they were potty trained, or what their first words were, or  how they started walking. But we keep doing it when we are older... So what we learn before then is a permanent memory in a sense, what ever was learned will be a part of them for the rest of their lives. After that, we reach a certain age, in adulthood, that will be the person we are for the rest of our lives.
Be care full who you let your kids grow up to be, and teach them the good person they should be.

A listening ear.

Written on 8/24/14

Today, when one of my co workers came in, I looked at him and what I saw startled me. He sat at the break table waiting for the time to clock in, and when i saw his eyes, I could sense something was wrong. I asked him about it, and he told me it was personal.
I said "Ok. I can respect that." I was going to leave it be, because when someone wants to talk about it, they will. I said that if he wants to talk about it, it's ok. He opened up about what was on his mind. I won't tell what his issues are, because that was said between us. But the way it was said, I could sense he was wanting to throw in the towel. The combination of the pain in his eyes and voice, the concern- so much going on for him, rough past, rough present- just so much for him.
I gave him my card and told him if he needed to talk... Well. You know.

I just couldnt keep seing him with that look in his eyes. He seemed to be very appreciative for my concern, and my offer to listen.

I was always told I have a heart of gold. It's a curse as it is a blessing.

Mo' Customer service Issues?!

Written on 8/22/2014

I do not understand what the fuck is so hard about getting internet. I called and ordered the service on the 20th, the told me a tech would be out on the 21^st between 8a and 12p. No one showed, no one called. I called them and asked what was up, and they gave me a round about answer of “I don’t know” I talked to 3 different people that day, and repeat the same thing every time, like they were to say “this guy is pissed off. You take him.” Playing musical phones or some shit. I finaly got to talk to someone whos first language sounded of Arabian dialect, and English may have been new to. He told me he would put a not on my account to hook me up ASAP. And ask me “does that help?” Uh, no. not really. The only way it helps is if I get a tech out here to install the service I ALREADY PAID FOR. I was sent to the tech guys’ line, and a woman picked up saying “Angie” as if she were paging an Angie to answer the phone she picked up. She hung up on me. I called back, and she did it again… I said hello, and she was acting like “I just answer the phone here dude” kind of attitude. I asked to get some service hooked up and she told me “the guy who makes the schedule isn’t here right now… Okay. So what? Take my info and give it to him when he comes in??? someone has never been a secretary before… I haven’t, and I know the job better than she does. I gave her my name, and number and told her to make sure he calls me back to set up my services. I waited the rest of the day for him to call. Nothing.

On the 22, today, I called tech again, asking about my service installation, they told me their wasn’t an installation scheduled., He couldn’t make any changes to the schedule because of some stupid changes the company made. (my words, not his) so he put me on hold, and was sent to a completely different company, who had nothing to do with the internet company I was trying to get service from. The lady from there forwarded me back to the tech support number, --- you know, it’s a big cluster fuck of numbers I was forwarded to, and called, so heres the run down of this last bit.: I was able to schedule ANOTHER appointment for, guess what? TOMORROW, between 8 and 12 again. They also told me the Tech will call me between now and the installation to confirm the appointment. 7pm, and no call today. That was over 7 hours ago… Wth… I have that gut feeling no one will call or show again.

I called the tech line again to see if the tech told them anything. “If you are not installed yet, press 2” (presses 2) “the office is closed. To check on the status of your (internet) intallation, log on to (internet service) dot com. Have a great day!”

How am I supposed to check on the status of my internet installation online? I need your service installed to check the status of my installation? You’re a fucking idiot. Somone didn’t think that through.

Oh, and even more recent event- how can walmart sell a stroller with its two fron wheels missing?! Seriously?! Is a little customer service and common decency so much to ask?

People today are so inconsiderate and indecent. What the hell happened to this world? Why do the stupid, indecent, and inconsiderate people  have to have all the money,  and control, but the good, hard working, decent people with common sense, are broke as shit and have no control over anything? Wouldn’t want smart people running things would we? That would be to damn easy. Equal oppertunities MY ASS. If you have money, you have opertunities. If your broke, your chances of getting them are much smaller. Some people were just born into money, and never have to know what work IS. You have to be aggressive to get anything done, which means I have to be an asshole to get what I already worked for. I never get any breaks. I worked hard from age 16, and still busting my ass at 28 at the same suck job I started at. I cannot go with out a job, I am not financially stable enough to just “take time off” like those dipshits in charge who take a vacation every month, and have 2 or more homes. I have gotten nowhere, and it looks as if my future holds the same place: Nowhere. Because of these morons in charge, making everything so difficult to do the simplist of things, My only meaning in life to them is fuel the economy, which wouldn’t exist without their filthy money. They want us to work till we die, and they make money weather they actually work or not. We work, they get paid. Where is the fairness in that? Raise minimum wage, then raise prices of everything else? Now were back to square one…. Nothing is fair. Nothing is equal oppertunities. You have to be corrupt, in one form or another to even get a glimpse of the life of the 1%. Think about this when they say they aren’t bad guys… What have they done to help those people who pay them? When was the last time they voulenteered at a shelter, or donated to a food drive or goodwill? Last time they dropped a $50 in a homeless man’s change cup? When did they actually DO something honest, and good? Maybe we cant say they are all bad people, but I can say they aren’t all good.

Want to help the economy? Give the poor, hardworking class a good portion of your salary. You didn’t earn it. We worked for it, and you take it from us.

In a sense, I look at it like this. If I can force someone to sign a document stating that I can withdraw 17% of their salary every month, it is legal. But taking it out right by force, is not legal. Why? The document. Paper makes it legal for someone else to take what isn’t theirs. They do it to a few hundred million people, of every check, of every dollar WORKED for in the country. And they call themselves equals?

I want to do that, with a document that states that I can withdraw a percentage of money from anyone’s paycheck I choose. I’d do 20% from the 1% population, and see how THEY like it. See how it feels for someone to take money out of your check before you even get it. I’ll be just like them, and never have to actually work again.

Update

Update on recent events of 8/19/2014.

I have a script for a movie trailer I want to shoot, called “One by One”, and for the sake of not spoinling the surprise, I will not give any further information on what it is about. I do have a script, and casting shouldn’t be a problem, effects may be a challenge, but it it isn’t discoraging. I just need an extra set of hands or two, to do camera work, and someone to help with some practical lighting for the scene, THAT will be a trick. I have an Idea of what to do with what I have, the problem is doing it, and getting a little score for it made. It will be a cool thing when finished up.

I also have been  helping a young man with a music video he wants to do for one of the songs he did. I haven’t heard the right song yet, but his idea seems solid, and we have a script to work with. With this project, the distance is a challenge faced before, but the scheduling- not so much. I have to find a way to meet with this guy without interfering with his, my wife’s or my work schedule, and find a transport, and babysitter for who knows how long. We need to discuss several things, first being the script, and finalizing it with him. Then we have to do our story boards, and shot lists. We need to cast, one male, two female, and locations, and approval if needed, props, effects, (practical, and non-practical) Budget has to go in there somewhere, and Scheduling that fits with everyone’s schedule, including, him, me, talent, and other crew, and film it. After his approval of the cut, and effects, we can re-record the song to be more impactful, if he chooses to. And then we can call it a finished product. A lot to do, and distance being a challenge for it. I don’t know if payment will be involved, but I can honestly say I hope so. I love doing this stuff, but it is supposed to be a career. Not an expensive, gas gulping, time squeezing hobby. That will probably be one of the first things Ill tell him after we discuss what needs to be done. If he likes the script as it is, and is unable to pay for the rest of the work, Ill leave the script to him, and let him figure it out. I hate to do that to anyone, but the issue remains- there is a lot of trouble I need to be compensated for. Taking off work, baby sitter, gas money, time from the family to do the production, AND editing and vfx. Its time and money that could be placed some where else, and instead, im using it on your production. Compensation isn’t much to ask.

And another job that is most likely what will be happening more and more now that im freelancing videographer/editor. A wedding. Film a wedding, edit it together nice-like, and burn a copy to a disk. Simple, right? Not really. This, production scares me to say the least. From how I understand, there will be 3 of us with cameras, so that eases my mind a tad. But im still on editing, which means my cuts have to be spot on, seamless. I have all the time I need for that, so not too worried. I just want to make sure I get the footage I need to make sure this will be a great video for the newlyweds. I remember hearing that a basic package for filming a wedding was 750. I told the girl that, and she was “Woah,  dude, I like you  and all but, no way.” She also said her photographer was over a thousand bucks. I can understand a budget wedding just as much as the next couple, but as I stated before, I need some compensation. I would most likely have to take off work to do this one- its on a Saturday afternoon, and I am usually getting off work when the thing will be starting. So I gotta ensure I will be off that time, and my wife witll be with me on a static shot somewhere, so I need a sitter. The gas to get there, it isn’t much, because it is close,  but still a factor. And the time it will take to import, edit, and export the footage… It’s a lot of time away from the family, and that’s what will be a costly part. From the sounds of it, the other guy is doing it for free, and she wanted me to bring the Mrs, and we stay and enjoy the reception. To me, that’s kind of asking us to do it for free, like a wedding present to them or something. I can see that happening for a family member, or even a close friend, but I can say we are more of aquantinces than anything. I’m not asking for a thousand dollars like the photographer, just something to consider the time I’ll be spending to edit away from my family. Think of it like this: bring me closer to my wife at the reception, and pull us apart again to put your wedding footage together. Doesn’t sound like a winning situation if we end up at square one. However, I can help you out by NOT asking a professional price of $750 for the services, and I will do it for no less than $150. I still think We would be getting ripped off, I’d like to start bidding at $300. That’s already $150 less than half of what you would be paying at the “professionals” shop. It just isn’t a charity type of thing.

I did a lot of free work in AZ, but it was usually with the same guys all the time, and at the risk of sounding a little fruity, I love those guys. They are like a bunch of cousins that hung out all the time who loved to get the cameras and make some magic. I went to school with these guys, they have an idea of whats going on on set, and know what what is. I only had to explain screenwriting format, and effects. That’s all. With any one I work with over here, I have to explain damn near everything.

With one of the recent shorts, the dinosaur apocalypse one, a couple of guys came up to us asking if we were making a movie. Like, no, we’re hunting for treasure. I mentioned the effects of a T rex going to happen, and then the two dudes kept asking questions about it, like I wasn’t in the middle of a production or something. We had talent that was awake sence 5am, standing in the sun at almost 2pm, sweating his balls of in layers and a 5 year old director’s assistant carrying the storyboard. And they want to pause production to talk to me about them doing a movie, one of which they did not have any ideas of  one but an action thing. Oh. Acting. Another actor. I need some backstage help too, ya know. Either way- they decided to watch. The Mrs sent out some water with my DA, and even the spectators got a drink, because they were observing so hard. Well, they kept watching when I said “Action” as if I had a dinosaur in a cage in the back of the trailer park or something.. They lost interest when that shot was over, and I was doing some insert shots. Sorry to dissapoint, but it does get repeatative, and sometimes even a little boring on set,  but when it all comes together, magic has happened.

With that shoot, I had to explain a lot to my talent, because he asked, and sometimes I just thought it was a cool little piece of info to know. Something for future productions, in case he wants to work with me again. And my boy knew a bunch already. He has been around this stuff for most of his life now. Im proud of my little DA. These other dudes that rolled up into it were just curious. And wanted to see how far they can put their noses in our bidness. The only term understood that day was “green screen”. I explained to the talent the term, “poor man’s green screen” and the magic of a “back plate”. Fun day that was.

I feel as though im losing my edge as a film maker already. I don’t want to do it all myself, but I may have to to keep my skills sharp.

Another thing I have bee working on is a sort of autobiography. I am writing all kinds of stories of things Ive been through, and basiclay the people and events that helped mold me to the person I am today. I’m calling it so far, “My Name Is Not Who I Am.” I am not using my name in the book until the end. Aside from that, it is all 100% truth to me. Total honesty in this thing. I am holding back nothing in this writing, and I can say it feels good, and it feels bad. Depending on the story being told. I try to explain the thoughts in my mind, the emotions in my heart, and the lessons learned. If you read it and do not like what has involved you in it, I will tell you “tough shit. That’s what happened, how I felt, and it had an impact on me in that way. Can’t change who I am.” No one has read it yet, and I have gotten up to 44 different things, some bulletpointed, that I intend to write about. As of now it is close to 20 pages. Some short, some long, so who knows how long it will be. I do not know who will be the first to read it other than me, but they will have to be honest with me, and be open minded about what is in it about them, if anything.

Last Straw

Written on 8-8-14

Last night was the last straw.

Sorry for the short blurb last blog, I had the idea early in my shift and by the time I got to writing it, I needed to be quick, and had distractions galore.

This time, I was extremely angry last night about what a certain person was saying, and I remembered what someone else said about those type of people. They are shit-stirrers. They are bored, so they decide to stir up some shit and cause a little hell. To make their lives a little interesting for a bit.

This person can take a hike.

This person reads by blog, and by doing so feels they have the “inside scoop” of Micah’s feelings.

I rattle on about stuff all the time. That’s how im feeling then, not all the time. Sometimes, yeah maybe it is more than an hour I feel strong about it. I change my mind, just like anyone else does. I’m thankful to have a mind TO change. And im also glad I am more open minded than a lot of the up-tight people running the place. Thinking within the tiny little box of “me” and excluding all the ones who says “what box?” I’m the “what box?” type. Exclude me if you want to, id rather live in the world where dreams come true, and the impossible is just difficult. The freest minds are our children’s’. Nothing is impossible to them until they see the science behind it, then the fun and mystery is gone. Like knowing how a magician does a trick. When a kid sees it 20 times its awesome every time, but when they see how its done, its not the same. The fun was gone, the innocence of it isn’t there anymore. Kids have the most open minds about everything, even the things adults find to be silly. A child thought about flying like a bird a long time ago, and that Idea never left him even as he grew up and made a flight device with his brother. People called them crazy, but when it worked, people called them geniuses. Theory or relativity? Space-time continuum? All rants of a loon whom everyone else claimed to be insane, but now are called geniuses. Thinking outside the box got us so far with technology, entertainment, communication… We shouldn’t always think inside reality. Think big, believe big, and aim big. When you fail, you learn what doesn’t work, and know what NOT to do next time you try. This sounds familiar. To me.

Getting idle threats from people is sickening, especially considering the role they are supposed to play in my familily’s life. Take, take take take, then point the finger at the one last person who will help, and call them selfish?

You may be miserable, several failed relationships, own medical issues (which only you are responsible for)- I get it. Your miserable, and you don’t want to be miserable alone, so you call us. You said you were sorry, but I don’t think you honestly meant it. 
You know what else? I’m not going to be discrete about it anymore. I know you read my blog, and im not going to sugar coat it with BS. Ill drop hints so you will know who you are, and if you cant figure it out, well, rest assured there are SEVERAL people who will know it is you.

When I first met Stacie, she was miserable. She was in school, 2 jobs, and (seeing from personal experience) your care taker, and without a better term, slave. She did so much, and gave her little appreciation. The more stories she told me about her child hood, the less I respected you, but still gave the benefit of the doubt it may be blown out of proportion. I remember, it was easy to get you to like me… I was drinking that night… Did you know that? Well I pulled her away from you, and you were so angry I took your slave away. Now, you had no one to feed your pets, clean up after you, run your errands, cook… (she’s a great cook BTW, your loss on that one) You gave us a home, and sold it WHILE we were living in it. Gave us what? A week to get out? While we first talked about going to AZ, her first words were “Yes. Let’s go.” She also said the further away she was from you, the happier she would be. She was right about that. The only time she cried was when it was “that time” or she talked to you on the phone. We got pinned with yet, ANOTHER bill because “you couldn’t afford it for 3 months” and didn’t bother to tell us until they threatened to cut off our service… and guess who had to pay the overdue charges, and continue paying until the day we moved? Me.  I did it. I had to, because if I didn’t, Stacie’s credit score would have been hurt. Did you care? Not enough to help, hell, it wasn’t your credit, nor your bill, why should you care?

All of her life, it was “your fat, lose weight, go on a diet, your lazy, you must have ADHD, you have to have diabetes” Now look. The tables have turned. You now are what you told her she was. Your med packed on weight, you got lazy and have diabetes. Maybe if you weren’t so cruel to her, maybe things would be different. Karma is a bitch aint it? You see she’s happily married, and you aren’t. As far as I know, 3 failed marriages , and your family will vouch that you are NOT the easiest person to get along with. (that’s sugar coating it, because after what’s been said, I HAD to sweeten THAT up) Oh what the hell. 3 kids, only one returns your calls…. Why you ask? Guilt trips and manipulation is your game, so they don’t bother. They know your miserable and lonely, and they know you are going to try to make them miserable with you.

That’s grilln’ beans, yo. I never want to answer the phone for someone who’s just going to talk down to me, and guilt trip me, or manipulate me into doing something for them because they just don’t want to do it themselves… So I don’t. If its going to take time away from me with my family, I expect to be paid. WITH MONEY. Not a piece of crap lying around the house that’s been broken for a month, an out of date whatcha-callit because you got a new one. From you, Money. Gas there gas back, gas running around, doing the errands, re-imbursement, every cent. And your checks, and IOU’s, aren’t worth didly squat to me.

Back to the marriages…

Who do you think you are to give us marriage advice? 3 failed ones isn’t a good track record to making a happy marriage. Neither is 2. One failed, fine, mistakes are made, two failed and one successful, right on, you learned from your mistakes.

Our marriage is no one’s business but our own. We get upset, and stressed, and seeking advice within that time is more than acceptable. I prefer our relationship to be honest. Seems to me the Mrs. Agrees with that. We have gotten to almost 7 years so far, based on honesty, understanding, and compromise. (along with other attributes) It works for us, so we keep it that way. Every marriage is different, just like the people who are in it. Once you find how it works, there is no need to try other methods of someone who has more failed relationships than socks.

Another tip on those who like to give advice, two things to be aware of:

1. Make sure they really are asking for your advice,  they may just want you to listen.

2. It’s better to have knowledge on the subject.

Giving you and every other reader a little something to think about how they treat people. “is this how I would like to be treated?”

That question sadly isn’t asked enough these days. Shame.

Some things have changed. For the better.

Written 8/2/14

Something came up earlier, not speificly this situation, but it got me thinking about it anyway.

Times are so different now. Way back when women were specificly house wives and secretaries and nurses, or other jobs like that, and men worked everywhere else. Im glad it isn’t like that anymore. I like the idea of a woman being treated equally as a man in the workforce. Some thing that bothers me is a little bit of a sexist remark made. This young woman gave another co worker a hard time about not knowing about cars. So she knows about cars, he doesn’t. I don’t have much interest in cars either, that’s why I didn’t research or care to learn about it, because I don’t give a damn. Ill leave the auto work to the auto interested professionals.

Just because I’m a guy doesn’t mean all I care about is cars, sports and sex. I Like to cook, guys. Im a creative person. I played dolls with my sister when we were younger. Im down with rubbing my wife’s feet now and again. To this day I play with toys with my boys, and make silly voices when they get an owie.

The fact I stay home with the boys during the day and do some dishes, a little cleaning and vacuuming doesn’t make me any less of a man. I figure it makes me a better man to be taking care of my woman by doing a bit of house work so she can come home and relax.

I have no issues with women working on a car, rooting for sports, telling crude jokes or enjoying a beer like most guys do.

Its interesting to think about the changes my generation has seen. The birth and evolution of the internet, music from cassettes, CDs, Mp3s…

Its just amazing to think about all the things Ive seen growing up.

My Feelings of being a dad.

7-14-14

I know im still learning about being a dad, but there are times where I think I may not be cut out for it. As I was younger, I never even really thought about having kids. As I got older and as it seemed I were meant to be single for the rest of my life, I told myself I didn’t really want kids anyway, I’d never be ready for them. To much responsibility, kiss the good ‘ol days good bye, there goes the fun parties, and new games, and hello to diapers and late night feedings- home work and daycare… Then I met Stacie and we had two.

When she was pregnant, like many first time dads, I was scared shitliss. I had no idea what to do about babies. Formula was a mystery to me, as was diaper changes and what size onsie or diapers to get. When the day came, and my first was born…

It became reality. This little baby boy, I helped create, is half of me, and half of Stacie. He may scream in my face right now, but he will one day say “I love you daddy”.  I thought my fun days were over. They only got put aside. And there is a whole different kind of fun with my boy. It starts with silly faces, goes to peek-a-boo, then playing toys, games, tv… then he wants to color his own coloring page like a big boy. He looks to me as if I have all the answers, wanting to know what everything is, what its for,  how it works,  and why. As much as I love him, and he loves me, he is his own person with his own interests and tastes. I cannot change him if I tried. All I can do is make sure to nurture him with his interests, and support him. Help him up when he falls ,and brush him off to try again. I have to make sure he grows up with good morals, and a conscience that he will listen to. A respectful, well-rounded young man who treats women like a respectful lady instead of an object.

I do not like to dicipline my boys, but when something they do is wrong, it needs to be corrected. Like I said before, without dicipline, a person has no consiquence to fear. That person will do anything they want. Landing them in jail in the future. BUT, The forbidden is the most attractive…  Like under age teens drinking. The law prohibits it… They want to do it. When they turn 21, its not as much fun, and a lot of them stop. It was the thrill of getting caught “being bad”

I dicipline now so the state wont have to later. Giving my kids a good foothold in the world- respectful, well-behaved, intelligent, and creative.

I looked over at my “Last Man” poster, with me and Kai walking down a long desert road when he was about 2 ½ with Coco Bear.

It got me wondering about how I’m doing with them. If I ask them “am I a good daddy?” they would say yes. If I were to ask anyone who knows me, family, friends… All would say the same. Yes. But how do I REALLY know? I fear I wont know until hes MUCH older. Like when/if he becomes a father himself…

I feel with Kai, I’m missing something because of the attention Link needs. And vice versa. Spending time with one means missing something with the other, and I never want to choose one or the other, but if I talk to link, kai darts for attention- which is interrupting, and disrespectful. Now, I have to put him in time out, or have him write lines. Now im upset. To upset to pay with either of them atm. Then link digs in something when im talking to kai, and the same thing happens again. At a point, I think “why bother. They are gonna fight over attention anyway, might as well not give them any.”

Sometimes im to laid back, and they get away with too much, so then I gotta go Mr. Hyde and be an asshole, and start popp’n bottoms with Mr. No. I hate to do that. But they need to learn that some things are not acceptable. If I do not set limits now, when do I set them? When they are telling me to go fuck myself at 16? I didn’t dare say that to my dad. Or my mother. They set those bounderies quick, and they stuck with it. I was spanked as a child, popped in the mouth, mouth washed out with soap, kneel in the corner and grounded. And I can say I have only been to jail once, and it was a field trip when I was in school, as a “scare kids out of drugs” thing. Never had a bad run-in with the law with the exeption of a few fender-benders, and anyone I came into contact with responded positively with my respectful attitude.

Obviously… Something was right about my raising…

Some times I think they want me to go to a mental home. Link knows how to push my buttons, and then try the cute “Im to cute to be in trouble” look. As long as I look him in the eye and not smile long enough he will stop grinning and take me seriously.  I could swear up and down people think im mean to link. I have to be stricter with him because he is so wild. He doesn’t like to listen. He must think I was born yesterday, deaf, dumb and blind. It doesn’t happen ALL THE TIME, but when he gets tired, that’s when his hands are the busiest with digging and breaking things, and his ears stop working.

Linkon the destroyer, and Monster is what I have been calling him. Something I said to link and kai was “if you break something, a new one will be coming out of your piggy banks.” I swear I heard someone laugh both times I said it. That was not a joke. It wasn’t meant to be funny. If my boy breaks something beyond repair, it WILL come out of his piggy bank. Even the Destroyer. At the rate hes going he will be in more debt with me by age 16 than he will be with student loans after college. Responsibility people. That’s how I roll.

9th Birthday Haunts again

Got to the point of thinking of my child-hood birthday again.

The birthday I have mentioned before and most likely will mention again.

The day a good friend of mine drowned and never saw again.

I replayed the incident in my mind several times tonight, and though I know full well it weren’t my fault, I still feel guilty. The words exchanged- the expressions made- so many things I remember. Rockos modern life, spagettii, swimming…

I remember looking at the picture I had of him, and crying because we couldn’t hang out anymore. I feel guilty for not acknowledging the signs, not saying anything, not helping… the more I think about it the worse I feel. But if I stop thinking about it, I fell guilty for forcing myself to stop. It’s a lose lose situation for me. I didn’t go to the funeral because I was a scared little boy. Last thing I wanted to see was my friend in a casket. Didn’t want to say good bye, because I didn’t want to believe he wasn’t going to be at school next year. I didn’t want to think of not being able to call him next week about something cool on tv I wanted to share… It was final. Too final. Just as it would be for anyone at a funeral. The thought of never being able to talk to them again is over saddening.

I have come accustomed to death in a sense. I cant seem to let go of peoples deaths when I see them at the viewing, but when I do not see them, I cannot believe they are gone. There was no good bye, so to me, they are still alive somewhere. My great grandparents, I didn’t know very well, and I barely remember it, but I know they are gone because I saw one or two of them. (that I don’t remember) Lumon, I dwell on often. Few understand how I feel on it, and the more I try to explain it, the less they understand. Im sensitive, and feel guilty for things most would find obsurd. I remember Justin, It is still hard to believe he is gone. I saw things fall apart further after he left. It was tragic, as any loss of a child is. I could only imagine that feeling, when I had… It is difficult to stop crying… I am so sorry for your loss.

My grand parents… I attended Mom’s dads, Dad’s Mom’s… And I had dreams of both of them- Not bad, more like a dream of them as if they never left. I did not get to go to dad’s dad’s… and yet I still had a dream of him after he passed. With my mom’s brother… I didn’t go to his, and I have not had a dream of him.

A conclusion I can draw from the most recent passings… Those who I have dreamed of, I miss, but feel as though they never left, because in a sense, they haven’t. They are still with me, and kind of worked as a physical good-bye, but a spiritual “im still with you”

I think I just worked my self out of a depressing  mood.

I seem to recall having a dream of Lumon- it wasn’t pleasant though. It was the incident, but as if I had gone with him. (3^rd person perspective I think) So I suppose that’s why I feel his death haunts me in a way.

Im thinking I should go to his site again (last time was 18 or 19) and talk to him. Last time I was there, I was more or less reciting a script with a marine recruiter as my director. Telling him I was going into the marines to live for the both of us… (my sense of thinking after I said that was “I cant live for both of us if I go kill people and possibly get killed myself” I don’t think there is a justified death in war. Its political.

Maybe if I were to talk to him off script and talk to him like I should have almost 20 years ago… Maybe he would appreciate it. Maybe the guilt will lessen. But maybe not, if if were to be seen as for personal gain. (this is another example of guilt and sensitivity)

Always worried about disappointing someone, hurting feelings… A brief wish to read your thoughts, and know what you truly think, how I make you feel…  Always been one to try to make everyone else happy at the cost of my own.

As AZ living got to me I pretty much came to the conclusion of “Don’t’ like me? Fuck off.” I am me. You cant change me, so stop trying to force me into your pocket to be your little minion, it wont happen anymore.

Half the time I don’t want to be around anyone. Just want to be alone with my thughts for a while.

I find creativity and my writing gets faster when im alone. Typically, with people around, my writing is about  300 words an hour. In 3 hours or so ill have a 1000 word document. When im alone and un interrupted, I managed to crank out 900 in one hour. The boys keep asking for things, needs a diaper, a drink, snack, digging in things, tell them to do something and give me the blank look. (the testing stage) until I get up… A one hour job takes 3 or 4 because of it. I love my boys but I break is needed from them to prevent insanity. I (un intentionally) told kai that his brother will be the cause of me going to the crazy house in a straight jacket, padded room chewing on shoe laces… It’s probably true. Im going to need to take some time to be solo and become one with myself again.

Use it and lose it?

Use it and lose it?

Some thing that realy bothers me is those people that use people just because they know they can. Like that’s bad enough, but using a family member? That’s just messed up, yo. Why would anyone take advantage of a kind hearted family member ? I see why, even if neither party will admit it. Because they feel as though they will let the family member down if they say “No.” That throws independence in the tenderizer… People like that do not seem to understand that the world does not revolve around them, and your family are not a free/cheap source of labor to do your bidding all hours of the day. Few take pity on those who milk the same thing for year after year. Its done. Its your fault. Stop playing the “pity party” card. It’s old. Maybe if you stopped playing the pity card, maybe you’d be more of a pleasure to be around.

If I’m hurting, yeah it sucks. But I still do what I gotta do. Including work. 2hours of sleep, school, 6 hr shift, Pulled an all nighter with homework, worked that night, slept 4 hours and worked a 12 hour shift, then slept 3 hours, woke at 5am and worked another 10.  With no breaks, eating very little, and the half hour drive to and from work- Look. Life is a huge shit sandwich. And we all have to take our bite.

Now, keeping a promise.

Why make the promise if you have no intentions of ever keeping it? That’s a dick move on your part buster. When I make a promise, I don’t make one unless I intend to keep it. I forget, sometimes, yes. But when it happened a few times, I write them down to keep them. This way I know for sure a long term promise will not be forgotten. I still have a deal with a friend- if one of us were to win the big lotto, we split it 60/40. (60 for the actual winner, 40 for the other party) I haven’t played the lotto in years, because im not really the gambling type. If I do, its more of a $1 scratch-off.

Point- keep a promise. Always. If you promise to pay someone for helping you do something, you better pay the amount promised for the job promised.

If you promised me $20 to mow your yard and rake the leaves (that’s a bit unfair anyway) Don’t ask me to power wash your house, and clean your gutters, then ask me to run out to the store (on my own gas) and buy you a burger (with my own money) and THEN tell me “I don’t have your $20 right now.” That is royaly F’d up.

I’ll do the yard and rake for 20 even though I think its unfair. Power wash, gutters, $40. The gas , $5, burger $5. …….. Still want me to do that extra stuff? I wont do it for free. Not even for family. If im going to spend my time on YOUR stuff, you better accomidate my time and resources. I’d rather be with my boys and wife. Instead your cracking the whip on my ass for 6 hours for a measily $20? Bite me.  For that, I better get a minimum of 55 to make it worth missing work for. Anything less is an insult on both of us. Tells me you think I’m desperate, and my efforts of the work I do isn’t worth doo doo. I take pride in my work, anyone I worked with and for will tell you that. Insulting me like that will be a quick way for me to not help you again. Fixed income? Ok. Help me help you. Lets talk about it. Payment plan type of thing, feed me,  wampum… Whatever. If you make no effort to pay for my help and time, I will make no effort to help you. I wont even give you the name and phone number of the teenage boy down the street whos saving up for a car. Ill give the teenage boy the name and number of the cheat, and tell him what’s up. AND I’ll give HIM $40 for doing my yard work. Takes him about 2 hours to do all of it. That was the deal, he did it, he gets 40, and the yard looks great. I’ll hire him again, when he asks me if there’s any odd jobs around he can do, I’ll find something, and pay him fairly, or point him in a direction of the older lady 3 blocks down who’s needing help with stuff.

That’s how I roll.

I love to treat people as I want to be treated. I don’t want to be used, so I don’t use people. I don’t want people to treat me unfairly, so I treat people fairly. I don’t like being screwed over, so I don’t screw people over, and I hate when people break their promises, and cheat people out of their hard work, so I don’t do that shit.

I know im far from perfect, I wont argue with that. No one is perfect on this planet, or any other in this universe. I’m not the smartest person in the world, and I’m not the dumbest either. I would say my ineligence is above “average”, and I am well aware of the fact there are A LOT of people smarter than I am. Most things I am ignorant about, is because I have little or no interest on the subject, so I didn’t research anything on it. I still forget that I’m not surrounded by film makers anymore. Now it’s family. Instead of discussing story lines for a script, dialogue, shots, storyboards and  what frame rate to use, I find myself explaining what “Drop Box” is, and connection speeds. I used to get blank stares when I spoke “C4D and AFX” lingo. Now, its everything film related. I forget about that all the time. Only the Mrs understands 85% of what I say about it. Most likely because she’s heard it a dozen times when im “outer-monologing” (talking to myself).

Even though when it comes to film making, it looks as though I know a lot. About my area, yes. I can tell you about and maybe even help with a lot of special effects and script- related stuff. But when it comes to cameras, lenses, and lighting…. I know a little bit about it, but when it comes to specifics, sizes power outage, yadda yadda… Better off asking The Director of Photography, Matt. HE knows his stuff when it comes to production. I’m good at VFX and screen writing, and I know someone who is better at it than I am. (You know who you are. ;))

I still get asked to build models from her and others, as well as correct scripts. I used to wonder why, but now I understand. People like my work, they find it to be good. As an artistic mind, I notice the imperfections, but no one else seems to. Thankfully the VFX spots I have done were fairly short, so is not to notice the flaws so easily.

With all that, I don’t like to look down on others, but I find myself doing it when that person has pissed me off. Then I’m a dick about it.  Insult my intelligence, or insult my boys’ intelligence, you got something coming.

A six year-old boy knocks on my door asking if “hims” can play…  Any time I let my 5 year old play with him, 6 is so bossy, and disrespectful. He got in my two year olds face, and I warned him my 2 year old might hit him if he didn’t back off, and he told me he would hit him back. That’s when I lost my cool and told him if he did, I’d hit him. He said his stepdad would hit me… Don’t hit my two year old. Minutes later he asked me what the sticker on the swingset said. I told him to sound it out. He looked at me like I was crazy, and read the numbers only. I lifted Malachi up and asked him to read the sticker. “For ages 2-10 Adult Supervision—“ Six chimed in- “IS!”… Malachi continued…”--Is Recommended”. I was impressed. Kai used to have  trouble with the big words, so him reading it without sounding out the words surprised me. Not only that, but the six year old being all bossy and a bit of a bully cannot read supposedly in 1^st grade. He will most likely be a bully… He upset me by saying he would hit my 2 year old. So now I don’t want him around here. This the same kid who took the 25^th anniversary mint condition Rocksteady off Malachi’s wall (which was out of reach) and opened it like he just got it at the store. I got it in 2009, and gave it to my oldest son when he turned 5. Then that happened. Kai looked at it while it was on the wall, but never touched it. He knew things on the wall were not to be touched. Six was pretty quick to say “he said it was okay”- he has older brothers, and I know brothers will do things to get the other ones in trouble. And he showed me where the rest of the packege was. I think he was lying about “Hims said it was okay”… It took so much self control not to scream at him… I looked at him in the eye while holding the ripped open package. “You need to leave. Now.”

He is a troublemaker, a problem child, and I do not want my boys to be associated with anyone who doesn’t respect other people’s things, or still talks as if hes a toddler. He needs serious tutoring for his reading, a speech therapist, and psychiatric help, and possibly mediation for his issues. My boys are not perfect, but they are smart. That alone will get them far in life, and their imagination will bring them even further.

Written 6-2-14

6-2-14

I have a job. At the same place I left to AZ to get out of. It’s a bit depressing, but I cant expect to move away from connections and get a job the next day Im in town in my field. I worked on two scripts this week, one mine one someone elses, and I hope he likes how I helped, I know he cant pay me for it, and I did offer to help him for free anyway. Also it was a short one, and its good practice for me.

As far as developing a team goes, it proves to be extremely difficult. The only people I know are family and co workers who are working all the time, and if I get them on a shoot, someone has to fill in for them, aka- me or another person I need on the same shoot. So far everyone I talk too about it voulenteers for acting. It’s a little annoying because almost anyone can stand in front of a camera and say a few lines. Few can be convincing about it. Extras? Sure, that’s cool. Ill add your name to my list of free extras.
So far, I have an Audio tech, Idea man,  multiple extras/grips.
I’d really like to fit in another camera man, a  co-writer, producer, lighting tech and editor… the list continues.
So far, It looks as though I really am starting from rock bottom. I’ll have to train EVERYONE.  By studio standards I was taught, and how to be efficient, in writing, budgeting, scheduling, acting, directing, lighting, shooting, editing, crediting, effects (sound and visual) distribution, … ugh.
I used to do this shit all on my own (with the mrs and boys assisting) With the Monkey show stuff. In AZ, I had a team who knew what I knew, and worked very well together, and produced some good work.
Here… It would be hard to get decent work on the first try. Without internet and the other resources of people with knowledge and passion to do this stuff- makes this more of an expensive hobby than a career.

I have made something of it.

If I do not have a job doing something in the film making industry, withing the next two years, I will declare my degree to be a waste of time, money and effort. If im still at the current job I am in now at that time… I don’t know. Ill be a major fucking dissapointment to myself for damn sure. In the back of my mind, I will have known moving AWAY from the connections was a mistake… Family is important, I get that. If I cannot provide for them with an enjoyable career instead of “a job” I cannot be called a man. A man provides, if I cannot provide, I am not a man. I’d be a spineless wiener with man-like parts.

If my degree goes to waste like that, ill kick myself in the ass every morning for being so stupid.

I want to do special effects and doctor scripts. That’s it. Occasional camera work, maybe. Is it so much to ask?

All these buildings damaged from IKE, not being used, and im thinking to myself how much would it take to buy it and fix it up into a studio? Is it a good location? How long until I make my original investments back? How long till I’ll have a steady workflow enough to cover expenses and still bring in a profit, and how long until I can hire more people willing to learn, and STILL make a profit?

I guess ill never get anywhere without taking risks. I hate stepping outside of my comfort zone, anyone who knows me well enough will tell you, I hate it…

The unknown scares the bejesus out of me.

From how I perceive things here from family… I get the impression I’m not supported with my choice of career, and it doesn’t help with the struggle… What was assumed to be motivating for me as a child, or teenager was not motivating at all. I cant just go to the job store and get a job I want, or pull one out of my ass, or put on my job helmet, shoot myself from a job cannon into job land where jobs grow on jobbies. (saw that last one on a meme- found it appropriate)… Its more like trying to find something at a walmart. Not every walmart carries the same stock. I have to got to orange for a good grocery selection, but BC for hardware, chemicles and toys. Same goes for this job. Im looking for a specific item in a store that doesn’t carry it.

In another sense, Im looking for uncensored CDs in Walmart…  Or asking for Spaggettii at taco bell. Get it yet?

I’m not going to find shit here without making it up as I go along. I have to FORCE it out there in a market that isn’t demanding it. Just another failed business already. Then again, it could be the “didn’t realize I wanted it until I saw it” thing. “oh, I wish I could hire someone to record my kids birthday party so the whole family and I can be together”- oh, wow! Look! Its Mykosis! And for a little more, he will cut it together and make it a short movie?! COOL! And add special effects too?! How awesome is that!?

But sense I’m having to be fully occupied with the family, and work… what time do I have for that?

Not to much. For a studio thing anyway. I don’t have the manpower, facilities or equipment to do a lot of the things people would want to do or see. I could make it work most likely (effects wise) The business side of it all twists my stomache into knots.