My Feelings of being a dad.

7-14-14

I know im still learning about being a dad, but there are times where I think I may not be cut out for it. As I was younger, I never even really thought about having kids. As I got older and as it seemed I were meant to be single for the rest of my life, I told myself I didn’t really want kids anyway, I’d never be ready for them. To much responsibility, kiss the good ‘ol days good bye, there goes the fun parties, and new games, and hello to diapers and late night feedings- home work and daycare… Then I met Stacie and we had two.

When she was pregnant, like many first time dads, I was scared shitliss. I had no idea what to do about babies. Formula was a mystery to me, as was diaper changes and what size onsie or diapers to get. When the day came, and my first was born…

It became reality. This little baby boy, I helped create, is half of me, and half of Stacie. He may scream in my face right now, but he will one day say “I love you daddy”.  I thought my fun days were over. They only got put aside. And there is a whole different kind of fun with my boy. It starts with silly faces, goes to peek-a-boo, then playing toys, games, tv… then he wants to color his own coloring page like a big boy. He looks to me as if I have all the answers, wanting to know what everything is, what its for,  how it works,  and why. As much as I love him, and he loves me, he is his own person with his own interests and tastes. I cannot change him if I tried. All I can do is make sure to nurture him with his interests, and support him. Help him up when he falls ,and brush him off to try again. I have to make sure he grows up with good morals, and a conscience that he will listen to. A respectful, well-rounded young man who treats women like a respectful lady instead of an object.

I do not like to dicipline my boys, but when something they do is wrong, it needs to be corrected. Like I said before, without dicipline, a person has no consiquence to fear. That person will do anything they want. Landing them in jail in the future. BUT, The forbidden is the most attractive…  Like under age teens drinking. The law prohibits it… They want to do it. When they turn 21, its not as much fun, and a lot of them stop. It was the thrill of getting caught “being bad”

I dicipline now so the state wont have to later. Giving my kids a good foothold in the world- respectful, well-behaved, intelligent, and creative.

I looked over at my “Last Man” poster, with me and Kai walking down a long desert road when he was about 2 ½ with Coco Bear.

It got me wondering about how I’m doing with them. If I ask them “am I a good daddy?” they would say yes. If I were to ask anyone who knows me, family, friends… All would say the same. Yes. But how do I REALLY know? I fear I wont know until hes MUCH older. Like when/if he becomes a father himself…

I feel with Kai, I’m missing something because of the attention Link needs. And vice versa. Spending time with one means missing something with the other, and I never want to choose one or the other, but if I talk to link, kai darts for attention- which is interrupting, and disrespectful. Now, I have to put him in time out, or have him write lines. Now im upset. To upset to pay with either of them atm. Then link digs in something when im talking to kai, and the same thing happens again. At a point, I think “why bother. They are gonna fight over attention anyway, might as well not give them any.”

Sometimes im to laid back, and they get away with too much, so then I gotta go Mr. Hyde and be an asshole, and start popp’n bottoms with Mr. No. I hate to do that. But they need to learn that some things are not acceptable. If I do not set limits now, when do I set them? When they are telling me to go fuck myself at 16? I didn’t dare say that to my dad. Or my mother. They set those bounderies quick, and they stuck with it. I was spanked as a child, popped in the mouth, mouth washed out with soap, kneel in the corner and grounded. And I can say I have only been to jail once, and it was a field trip when I was in school, as a “scare kids out of drugs” thing. Never had a bad run-in with the law with the exeption of a few fender-benders, and anyone I came into contact with responded positively with my respectful attitude.

Obviously… Something was right about my raising…

Some times I think they want me to go to a mental home. Link knows how to push my buttons, and then try the cute “Im to cute to be in trouble” look. As long as I look him in the eye and not smile long enough he will stop grinning and take me seriously.  I could swear up and down people think im mean to link. I have to be stricter with him because he is so wild. He doesn’t like to listen. He must think I was born yesterday, deaf, dumb and blind. It doesn’t happen ALL THE TIME, but when he gets tired, that’s when his hands are the busiest with digging and breaking things, and his ears stop working.

Linkon the destroyer, and Monster is what I have been calling him. Something I said to link and kai was “if you break something, a new one will be coming out of your piggy banks.” I swear I heard someone laugh both times I said it. That was not a joke. It wasn’t meant to be funny. If my boy breaks something beyond repair, it WILL come out of his piggy bank. Even the Destroyer. At the rate hes going he will be in more debt with me by age 16 than he will be with student loans after college. Responsibility people. That’s how I roll.

9th Birthday Haunts again

Got to the point of thinking of my child-hood birthday again.

The birthday I have mentioned before and most likely will mention again.

The day a good friend of mine drowned and never saw again.

I replayed the incident in my mind several times tonight, and though I know full well it weren’t my fault, I still feel guilty. The words exchanged- the expressions made- so many things I remember. Rockos modern life, spagettii, swimming…

I remember looking at the picture I had of him, and crying because we couldn’t hang out anymore. I feel guilty for not acknowledging the signs, not saying anything, not helping… the more I think about it the worse I feel. But if I stop thinking about it, I fell guilty for forcing myself to stop. It’s a lose lose situation for me. I didn’t go to the funeral because I was a scared little boy. Last thing I wanted to see was my friend in a casket. Didn’t want to say good bye, because I didn’t want to believe he wasn’t going to be at school next year. I didn’t want to think of not being able to call him next week about something cool on tv I wanted to share… It was final. Too final. Just as it would be for anyone at a funeral. The thought of never being able to talk to them again is over saddening.

I have come accustomed to death in a sense. I cant seem to let go of peoples deaths when I see them at the viewing, but when I do not see them, I cannot believe they are gone. There was no good bye, so to me, they are still alive somewhere. My great grandparents, I didn’t know very well, and I barely remember it, but I know they are gone because I saw one or two of them. (that I don’t remember) Lumon, I dwell on often. Few understand how I feel on it, and the more I try to explain it, the less they understand. Im sensitive, and feel guilty for things most would find obsurd. I remember Justin, It is still hard to believe he is gone. I saw things fall apart further after he left. It was tragic, as any loss of a child is. I could only imagine that feeling, when I had… It is difficult to stop crying… I am so sorry for your loss.

My grand parents… I attended Mom’s dads, Dad’s Mom’s… And I had dreams of both of them- Not bad, more like a dream of them as if they never left. I did not get to go to dad’s dad’s… and yet I still had a dream of him after he passed. With my mom’s brother… I didn’t go to his, and I have not had a dream of him.

A conclusion I can draw from the most recent passings… Those who I have dreamed of, I miss, but feel as though they never left, because in a sense, they haven’t. They are still with me, and kind of worked as a physical good-bye, but a spiritual “im still with you”

I think I just worked my self out of a depressing  mood.

I seem to recall having a dream of Lumon- it wasn’t pleasant though. It was the incident, but as if I had gone with him. (3^rd person perspective I think) So I suppose that’s why I feel his death haunts me in a way.

Im thinking I should go to his site again (last time was 18 or 19) and talk to him. Last time I was there, I was more or less reciting a script with a marine recruiter as my director. Telling him I was going into the marines to live for the both of us… (my sense of thinking after I said that was “I cant live for both of us if I go kill people and possibly get killed myself” I don’t think there is a justified death in war. Its political.

Maybe if I were to talk to him off script and talk to him like I should have almost 20 years ago… Maybe he would appreciate it. Maybe the guilt will lessen. But maybe not, if if were to be seen as for personal gain. (this is another example of guilt and sensitivity)

Always worried about disappointing someone, hurting feelings… A brief wish to read your thoughts, and know what you truly think, how I make you feel…  Always been one to try to make everyone else happy at the cost of my own.

As AZ living got to me I pretty much came to the conclusion of “Don’t’ like me? Fuck off.” I am me. You cant change me, so stop trying to force me into your pocket to be your little minion, it wont happen anymore.

Half the time I don’t want to be around anyone. Just want to be alone with my thughts for a while.

I find creativity and my writing gets faster when im alone. Typically, with people around, my writing is about  300 words an hour. In 3 hours or so ill have a 1000 word document. When im alone and un interrupted, I managed to crank out 900 in one hour. The boys keep asking for things, needs a diaper, a drink, snack, digging in things, tell them to do something and give me the blank look. (the testing stage) until I get up… A one hour job takes 3 or 4 because of it. I love my boys but I break is needed from them to prevent insanity. I (un intentionally) told kai that his brother will be the cause of me going to the crazy house in a straight jacket, padded room chewing on shoe laces… It’s probably true. Im going to need to take some time to be solo and become one with myself again.

Use it and lose it?

Use it and lose it?

Some thing that realy bothers me is those people that use people just because they know they can. Like that’s bad enough, but using a family member? That’s just messed up, yo. Why would anyone take advantage of a kind hearted family member ? I see why, even if neither party will admit it. Because they feel as though they will let the family member down if they say “No.” That throws independence in the tenderizer… People like that do not seem to understand that the world does not revolve around them, and your family are not a free/cheap source of labor to do your bidding all hours of the day. Few take pity on those who milk the same thing for year after year. Its done. Its your fault. Stop playing the “pity party” card. It’s old. Maybe if you stopped playing the pity card, maybe you’d be more of a pleasure to be around.

If I’m hurting, yeah it sucks. But I still do what I gotta do. Including work. 2hours of sleep, school, 6 hr shift, Pulled an all nighter with homework, worked that night, slept 4 hours and worked a 12 hour shift, then slept 3 hours, woke at 5am and worked another 10.  With no breaks, eating very little, and the half hour drive to and from work- Look. Life is a huge shit sandwich. And we all have to take our bite.

Now, keeping a promise.

Why make the promise if you have no intentions of ever keeping it? That’s a dick move on your part buster. When I make a promise, I don’t make one unless I intend to keep it. I forget, sometimes, yes. But when it happened a few times, I write them down to keep them. This way I know for sure a long term promise will not be forgotten. I still have a deal with a friend- if one of us were to win the big lotto, we split it 60/40. (60 for the actual winner, 40 for the other party) I haven’t played the lotto in years, because im not really the gambling type. If I do, its more of a $1 scratch-off.

Point- keep a promise. Always. If you promise to pay someone for helping you do something, you better pay the amount promised for the job promised.

If you promised me $20 to mow your yard and rake the leaves (that’s a bit unfair anyway) Don’t ask me to power wash your house, and clean your gutters, then ask me to run out to the store (on my own gas) and buy you a burger (with my own money) and THEN tell me “I don’t have your $20 right now.” That is royaly F’d up.

I’ll do the yard and rake for 20 even though I think its unfair. Power wash, gutters, $40. The gas , $5, burger $5. …….. Still want me to do that extra stuff? I wont do it for free. Not even for family. If im going to spend my time on YOUR stuff, you better accomidate my time and resources. I’d rather be with my boys and wife. Instead your cracking the whip on my ass for 6 hours for a measily $20? Bite me.  For that, I better get a minimum of 55 to make it worth missing work for. Anything less is an insult on both of us. Tells me you think I’m desperate, and my efforts of the work I do isn’t worth doo doo. I take pride in my work, anyone I worked with and for will tell you that. Insulting me like that will be a quick way for me to not help you again. Fixed income? Ok. Help me help you. Lets talk about it. Payment plan type of thing, feed me,  wampum… Whatever. If you make no effort to pay for my help and time, I will make no effort to help you. I wont even give you the name and phone number of the teenage boy down the street whos saving up for a car. Ill give the teenage boy the name and number of the cheat, and tell him what’s up. AND I’ll give HIM $40 for doing my yard work. Takes him about 2 hours to do all of it. That was the deal, he did it, he gets 40, and the yard looks great. I’ll hire him again, when he asks me if there’s any odd jobs around he can do, I’ll find something, and pay him fairly, or point him in a direction of the older lady 3 blocks down who’s needing help with stuff.

That’s how I roll.

I love to treat people as I want to be treated. I don’t want to be used, so I don’t use people. I don’t want people to treat me unfairly, so I treat people fairly. I don’t like being screwed over, so I don’t screw people over, and I hate when people break their promises, and cheat people out of their hard work, so I don’t do that shit.

I know im far from perfect, I wont argue with that. No one is perfect on this planet, or any other in this universe. I’m not the smartest person in the world, and I’m not the dumbest either. I would say my ineligence is above “average”, and I am well aware of the fact there are A LOT of people smarter than I am. Most things I am ignorant about, is because I have little or no interest on the subject, so I didn’t research anything on it. I still forget that I’m not surrounded by film makers anymore. Now it’s family. Instead of discussing story lines for a script, dialogue, shots, storyboards and  what frame rate to use, I find myself explaining what “Drop Box” is, and connection speeds. I used to get blank stares when I spoke “C4D and AFX” lingo. Now, its everything film related. I forget about that all the time. Only the Mrs understands 85% of what I say about it. Most likely because she’s heard it a dozen times when im “outer-monologing” (talking to myself).

Even though when it comes to film making, it looks as though I know a lot. About my area, yes. I can tell you about and maybe even help with a lot of special effects and script- related stuff. But when it comes to cameras, lenses, and lighting…. I know a little bit about it, but when it comes to specifics, sizes power outage, yadda yadda… Better off asking The Director of Photography, Matt. HE knows his stuff when it comes to production. I’m good at VFX and screen writing, and I know someone who is better at it than I am. (You know who you are. ;))

I still get asked to build models from her and others, as well as correct scripts. I used to wonder why, but now I understand. People like my work, they find it to be good. As an artistic mind, I notice the imperfections, but no one else seems to. Thankfully the VFX spots I have done were fairly short, so is not to notice the flaws so easily.

With all that, I don’t like to look down on others, but I find myself doing it when that person has pissed me off. Then I’m a dick about it.  Insult my intelligence, or insult my boys’ intelligence, you got something coming.

A six year-old boy knocks on my door asking if “hims” can play…  Any time I let my 5 year old play with him, 6 is so bossy, and disrespectful. He got in my two year olds face, and I warned him my 2 year old might hit him if he didn’t back off, and he told me he would hit him back. That’s when I lost my cool and told him if he did, I’d hit him. He said his stepdad would hit me… Don’t hit my two year old. Minutes later he asked me what the sticker on the swingset said. I told him to sound it out. He looked at me like I was crazy, and read the numbers only. I lifted Malachi up and asked him to read the sticker. “For ages 2-10 Adult Supervision—“ Six chimed in- “IS!”… Malachi continued…”--Is Recommended”. I was impressed. Kai used to have  trouble with the big words, so him reading it without sounding out the words surprised me. Not only that, but the six year old being all bossy and a bit of a bully cannot read supposedly in 1^st grade. He will most likely be a bully… He upset me by saying he would hit my 2 year old. So now I don’t want him around here. This the same kid who took the 25^th anniversary mint condition Rocksteady off Malachi’s wall (which was out of reach) and opened it like he just got it at the store. I got it in 2009, and gave it to my oldest son when he turned 5. Then that happened. Kai looked at it while it was on the wall, but never touched it. He knew things on the wall were not to be touched. Six was pretty quick to say “he said it was okay”- he has older brothers, and I know brothers will do things to get the other ones in trouble. And he showed me where the rest of the packege was. I think he was lying about “Hims said it was okay”… It took so much self control not to scream at him… I looked at him in the eye while holding the ripped open package. “You need to leave. Now.”

He is a troublemaker, a problem child, and I do not want my boys to be associated with anyone who doesn’t respect other people’s things, or still talks as if hes a toddler. He needs serious tutoring for his reading, a speech therapist, and psychiatric help, and possibly mediation for his issues. My boys are not perfect, but they are smart. That alone will get them far in life, and their imagination will bring them even further.

Written 6-2-14

6-2-14

I have a job. At the same place I left to AZ to get out of. It’s a bit depressing, but I cant expect to move away from connections and get a job the next day Im in town in my field. I worked on two scripts this week, one mine one someone elses, and I hope he likes how I helped, I know he cant pay me for it, and I did offer to help him for free anyway. Also it was a short one, and its good practice for me.

As far as developing a team goes, it proves to be extremely difficult. The only people I know are family and co workers who are working all the time, and if I get them on a shoot, someone has to fill in for them, aka- me or another person I need on the same shoot. So far everyone I talk too about it voulenteers for acting. It’s a little annoying because almost anyone can stand in front of a camera and say a few lines. Few can be convincing about it. Extras? Sure, that’s cool. Ill add your name to my list of free extras.
So far, I have an Audio tech, Idea man,  multiple extras/grips.
I’d really like to fit in another camera man, a  co-writer, producer, lighting tech and editor… the list continues.
So far, It looks as though I really am starting from rock bottom. I’ll have to train EVERYONE.  By studio standards I was taught, and how to be efficient, in writing, budgeting, scheduling, acting, directing, lighting, shooting, editing, crediting, effects (sound and visual) distribution, … ugh.
I used to do this shit all on my own (with the mrs and boys assisting) With the Monkey show stuff. In AZ, I had a team who knew what I knew, and worked very well together, and produced some good work.
Here… It would be hard to get decent work on the first try. Without internet and the other resources of people with knowledge and passion to do this stuff- makes this more of an expensive hobby than a career.

I have made something of it.

If I do not have a job doing something in the film making industry, withing the next two years, I will declare my degree to be a waste of time, money and effort. If im still at the current job I am in now at that time… I don’t know. Ill be a major fucking dissapointment to myself for damn sure. In the back of my mind, I will have known moving AWAY from the connections was a mistake… Family is important, I get that. If I cannot provide for them with an enjoyable career instead of “a job” I cannot be called a man. A man provides, if I cannot provide, I am not a man. I’d be a spineless wiener with man-like parts.

If my degree goes to waste like that, ill kick myself in the ass every morning for being so stupid.

I want to do special effects and doctor scripts. That’s it. Occasional camera work, maybe. Is it so much to ask?

All these buildings damaged from IKE, not being used, and im thinking to myself how much would it take to buy it and fix it up into a studio? Is it a good location? How long until I make my original investments back? How long till I’ll have a steady workflow enough to cover expenses and still bring in a profit, and how long until I can hire more people willing to learn, and STILL make a profit?

I guess ill never get anywhere without taking risks. I hate stepping outside of my comfort zone, anyone who knows me well enough will tell you, I hate it…

The unknown scares the bejesus out of me.

From how I perceive things here from family… I get the impression I’m not supported with my choice of career, and it doesn’t help with the struggle… What was assumed to be motivating for me as a child, or teenager was not motivating at all. I cant just go to the job store and get a job I want, or pull one out of my ass, or put on my job helmet, shoot myself from a job cannon into job land where jobs grow on jobbies. (saw that last one on a meme- found it appropriate)… Its more like trying to find something at a walmart. Not every walmart carries the same stock. I have to got to orange for a good grocery selection, but BC for hardware, chemicles and toys. Same goes for this job. Im looking for a specific item in a store that doesn’t carry it.

In another sense, Im looking for uncensored CDs in Walmart…  Or asking for Spaggettii at taco bell. Get it yet?

I’m not going to find shit here without making it up as I go along. I have to FORCE it out there in a market that isn’t demanding it. Just another failed business already. Then again, it could be the “didn’t realize I wanted it until I saw it” thing. “oh, I wish I could hire someone to record my kids birthday party so the whole family and I can be together”- oh, wow! Look! Its Mykosis! And for a little more, he will cut it together and make it a short movie?! COOL! And add special effects too?! How awesome is that!?

But sense I’m having to be fully occupied with the family, and work… what time do I have for that?

Not to much. For a studio thing anyway. I don’t have the manpower, facilities or equipment to do a lot of the things people would want to do or see. I could make it work most likely (effects wise) The business side of it all twists my stomache into knots.