Choice

Another thing i'd like to share with the -not-as-public-as FB- Folk is this...
I hate being forced into doing things...
Like, hey man, i need you to do this. Thanks, Bye!

For real dude? I'm telling you no now for sure. You can do it. If you had asked, NICELY and waited for a response, I may have agreed to do so, but since you attempted to give me no choice. As in Giving me:
A. Yes.
B. Yes.
C. Yes.
D. Yes.

I scribble in angrily:
E. Go Fuck Yourself.

And when your jaw hits the floor, "Oh Mah Gawd! Did you just tell ME, the lord of the galaxy NO?!" (Thinking) *What does this word "no" mean? 'Tis a word I am unaccustomed too....*

I also hate it when people keep trying to shove things down my throat- especially the Thumpers, The Told-ya-so's, and the persistent naggers.

Thumper.
Like Bible thumpers. Those who INSIST that their way is the ONLY way. Any other way is wrong, and you will be punished unless you do it our way. (Join the dark side or meet your doom)

while in Az i got home from a 12 hr shift, im tired and hungry, and pissed off about the idiotic drivers... Then i got this guy walk up to me asking questions. Asks me if i think im a good person, if i think im going to heaven, ya know that stuff... I'm losin' my cool because there is a couch cushion and a box of macaroni screaming my name, ya know? He tells me if I am not his religion, i will go straight to hell. Even if i am a good person. I'll just go to hell. The really did thump his bible at me. Yeah. As he quoted, or more paraphrased, it to fit the point he was trying to make. (his way or no way)
I got fed up. Enough, is enough. I got closer to him and asked him... "Are you trying to convert me?"
His eyes widened, like i caught him with his pants to his ankles pissin' in a gas tank. "Uh, yeah...?"
I grinch-grinned him and said in a snarky manner, "Not gonna happen." He left quickly after that. Later found out that this same guy talked to my wife earlier and even though she told him she was the same religion, he still quoted, thumped, and condemned the non-believers to hell...

The Told-ya So's
The name is about all it needs, right? Those who keep bringing shit up that they were right about, but they keep throwing it right back into your face. "I told you it wouldn't work. Didnt I tell ya? I told ya." Watch me try it again and it work PAL. then I will have told YOU so. No need to keep bringing shit up.
Do you like when your toilet gets backed up and your shit and butt-paper comes up to say hello from the grave? No? What makes you think I like hearing and seeing shit I already flushed into the past? Leave it in the sewer where it belongs, damnit.
So you were right... Like six years ago? And since then you have been wrong, wrong, and WRONG. I made a boo-boo. I get it. I'm letting it heal and learning from it. Stop peeling my scabs off to re-open them ya jerk.

The persistant naggers
Again, saying the same thing over and over. like they didn't say it enough the past 20 minutes.
I often hear, "God says, God Says, The Lord, Jesus this and that"... Okay. You are religious, and you believe in God and Jesus. Good. Stop shoving it down my throat with the "Give it to God, and Prayers" talk. I don't really know what it is that I am, but I know I'm not shouting from the rooftops how much I love Pizza. Look, I'm not trying to diss any religion. But I haven't found one I agree with yet. For me, it's that simple. I feel there may be a higher power, but there may not be. We may be an experiment in an Alien's laboratory petri dish. Our lives may be just a freak accident of nature, and so is the nature of our entire planet. Maybe we did evolve...
What is the strangest of it all is the assumption that I have a religion... Oh you have a problem? Give it to God... To me, its their way of saying forget about it. It'll work itself out.
You can tell me to drink the water in the glass, but if im not thirsty, I will not drink it. Saying "Drink it" isn't going to induce my thirst. Then some, will open my mouth and pour it down my throat...
I vomit. Ha. Now you wear your mistake. Shove something into me that is unwanted, it will come back up. And it won't be pretty.

How weird would it be if i ran around telling people quotes from Dr Seuss books?
And from Chapter one, page seven, Sam-I-am Suggests Green Eggs and Ham SHALL be tried Here... Or there...
Then there was Blue Fish... Red fish...
And then, The Green Grinch Man Rained the Wholings with gifts and feast!

People would send me to the loony bin.
Why? Don't they deliver a positive message? Try new things? Accepting the differences? Don't be selfish? Aren't those some things in the Bible anyway?

Again, I'm not bashing on religion. This isn't even about religion.

It's about those people who won't let up. Not leaving a choice to those who SHOULD have the choice.

Think about it!!!

this will sound odd, but bear with the idea and possibility...

you know the felling when you are totally fine, then suddenly lose your energy?
How about deja vu?
or forget what you were doing, what you were getting, or where u were going and why?

Theory of time travel. Maybe not us per se', but a possibility of such.
A typical rule in (movies) time travel, when retrieving one from the past, bring them back before you went to get them, and they will not remember going forward through time.

I'm not entirely sure how that theory is supposed to work to be honest. I mean, to pick me up in this time, I would remember a time traveler saying "come with me", and the travel, the event to occur during the travel, and the return. Theoretically, my time line has not changed yet so I would remember all that had happened, becoming the new me within an alternate dimension, where as the old me from dimension 2 either stays or travels and not returns... Or simply just like a meld-like thing. I'm pretty sure two mes in the same time/dimension would cause a paradox and... well bad news. regardless, Memory would remain.

But basing this theory upon the theory that returning prior to time exit, would erase memory of said event...

The loss of energy. A future time traveler, picked you up, did something in the future (possibly past), and have returned, depleted of energy. Well, hell, you just ensured a historical event happened, or defended against a disaster...  You suddenly are tired from kicking ass whenever you just got back from. Badass. A time-traveling hero and you don't even know it.

Deja-vu.
Brief boosts into the future, you were picked up, and brought maybe moments, or days into the future, prevented a disaster, or event, brought back to the point before, do not remember fully, but the brief memory flashes back into your head. Sometimes its scary, and you think some bad shit is about to happen after a series of events, but doesn't. Leaves you on your toes. You stopped an event from happening. (or you can see in the future and prevent it on the spot)

forgot what you were doing, or why you were going to get from the other room?
you were picked up after your thought, and returned before you thought your thought.
Cool right? makes you think a little more about why it happens right?

How do we know this isn't a real thing? Maybe those of the future (distant future) have created time travel and patrol it to create the best possible future for the human race? Bringing minds from the past to assist in future issues? History repeats itself, and what better way to solve a problem now, than to learn from the past directly? Wouldn't you be curious of historical events, and how they truly happened? I know, if we were having a shortage on electricity, I would want to go to Franklin and Tesla for answers of how they would solve it.

Maybe, in the nearer future we have developed a technology that extends our lives past 100 years. after all, with modern advances in the medical field has shown a much longer life span today than earlier in history. Average span being 40 or 50, maybe 60 at most, and now we hear of 100th birthdays. Quite remarkable. Sooner than later we will be celebrating 150th birthdays, 200th birthdays... We could turn out to be considered a type of immortal in the future... Who knows right?

Time-traveling immortals? Time-lords? >.<
Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff?

Every one of us is a potential hero or villain in another time/dimension....
And we don't even know.

Boundries, Fear and Respect.

A thought crossed my mind as I answered a question asked by my oldest son.

He asked me why we had to park the car that way to put gas in it, and the best way I could describe it was with a balloon. "You can't fill a balloon with air from the top can you?" He laughed, "Nooo!" And went on explaining that there is only one place we can put the gas in the car, and that place is close to the pump when we park like this.

Well, the thought that passed me during that explanation.
Limitations, and how they mold us. Or hurt us.

I'm looking at it like a road map. If A parent were to give a road map to a 7-year old, It would most likely be the street you live on. (I'll call it Main Street) as he were to get older, more roads are filled in on the map. 1st, 2nd, 3rd... And by the time they become 16, or so, pretty much the entire city's roads are filled in, and even a few others surrounding it. After 18... All of it. The whole world.

Well, reality is: that's what we do with our kids anyway. Just with everything else. Filtering what they eat, watch, say, hear... Every limit put up is another road not drawn in on the map. Another blockade to restrict access. Another road that will have to come open to them eventually, and if restrictions are too hard, and they only move out at age 18 only knowing Main St.... its a huge overwhelming slap in the face of reality.
Ever see the movie "See Spot Run"? In the movie, the little boy's mother only allows him to eat a healthy cereal, healthy foods, and no TV... totally blocked off from the outside world. Then his mother has to leave for some reason but the sitter hasn't shown up, so her neighbor, Gordon agrees to look after the boy for a few hours, and being desperate, she agrees. Well, the sitter never shows, and the boy has to stay with him for a while. Well, Gordon gives him Fruit Loops, soda and all kinds of junk. Well... after the cereal alone, the next scene shows the boy with the box on his head, standing on the table swinging his shirt around while screaming. After a scene of sheer insanity, the boy feels awful on the couch, sipping on a 2-liter of soda. Groaning in pain.

That's what it would be like. All your life you are protected from everything, and when you step out into the real world you discover that not everything or everyone is awesome and nice. Not everyone uses nice language, or says nice things. Not everything is fair. Nothing is as perfect as it has seemed for the past 18 years.

It hits you like a ton of bricks. Live in a tiny crummy apartment or mini trailer instead of a nice house, have to have a job or two to pay for your own bills, buy your own food, car maintenance, nosey and noisy neighbors when you have an early shift, dogs barking and screwing up your yard... Lots of stressful stuff, and it happens all at once, even if you do get to keep your furniture from your folk's place...

To be blocked from "bad" music and TV shows... They will see and hear it eventually, and the restricted is more tempting than the non.
16-20 year olds drink like fish, partly because it is restricted. As of 21, it no longer that way so it's a bit less appealing.
Not saying its always like that, but it makes total sense. I know that's how it happened with me anyway. Not with everything, but there were some things i was blocked from and when i discovered them, it was a bit of a thrill. "I'm listening to rap music on my headphones so my mom doesn't hear it. *Gasp!* they said the F word! :D" (Exaggerated example btw). When I moved out on my own, it didn't matter anymore, so it happened a little less often...

A little at a time, let the discoveries make themselves.

However, not restricting a child at all gives them no fear of consequence, and would be more likely to end up being a non-law abiding citizen. Respect for authority, at least in my opinion, respect in general, comes from a kind of fear of it.
I fear a lot of things, but have the respect for it as well. Some is just more flat out fear than respect, but I still count it as respect. Fear it, like it, respect it- in a sense i suppose. I respect my wife, in a sense of fears of her bad side. I respect her boundaries because she will get pissed off if I don't, and what she could do if I disrespect her. We discussed this, and she has a similar fear, which also leads to respect. I'm not saying this is the ONLY respect. I guess i would call the other to be a fearless respect. (contradicts what i said before, i know) but its hard to explain how i can respect my sons when i have nothing to fear from them.
What it just came down to me as, is the well used "Do onto others as you would have others do onto you."
Be nice to people and they will be nice to you. Its a shame it doesn't always work that way.

Some other thing is morals. That has a bit to do with respect I would imagine as well. Some people have some crummy morals and make me wonder how they haven't been locked up and stayed there. Others, it makes me wonder why they don't have a better life? They deserve better.

(this is the part where i figured out what i was trying to say about respect)

I fear cops, I fear the water, animals, space, many people... I respect them, because of that fear. Aside from people anyway. It depends on the person's attitude, morals, and a fear of disappointment from them. If i don't care if i disappoint someone... Well... I think you get it.

This concept works for me anyway.

A little value

No one has ever told me, but it has come to my realization that people has mistaken my kindness as a weakness.
I have been walked on, kicked aside, and talked down to for as long as I can remember. I was taught to not say anything if you don't have anything nice to say, yet I was also taught to defend myself.
I have never had to defend myself physically (thank goodness) but verbally- I have this clench in my gut to blurt out the first ignorant and hateful thing that pops in.
Some people push me to the point where I can feel the blood rushing to my face, and I'm doing less listening, and more focusing on not blacking out.
If I do have something good, and rational to say... it's usually an hour after it happened. Sometimes a day or two. I'm not great at thinking of quick responses on the spot, but when i do have one, it's a good one that would have put them in their place.
I try to be a kind person. Some people know what buttons to push to get under my skin. When I say something, and stick up for myself, i'm suddenly a jerk.

Even when I feel as though they don't deserve the respect I give them...
I may get annoyed by certain people, and want to break their nose on a daily basis... But if it came down to it, If they were in a situation that they needed help... I would still help. Even though I dislike them strongly.
Why? Because i'm human. And as this kind person I try to be, I try to see things from the other party's eyes, and walk in their shoes. Sometimes I understand, others I don't. But they are human too, and their life, though it may seem unvalued, or undeserved, still is priceless.

I value life of everyone. Enemies, allies, friends, family, strangers, born or unborn, gay or straight, every race under the sun-
I value your life.
Value the lives of those who you feel don't deserve it, and the lives of those who do.

Birthday Month

I call this Birthday Month because my wife's birthday, second son's and mine are all in this month...

As i have mentioned before, my birthday isn't a day i look forward to.
When I was young, like 9 or 10, a friend of mine drowned at my swimming party.

As many times as I have heard how it wasn't my fault, I can't help but to feel it partly is.

It comes and goes like a cold. The thought, and images replay in my head like a horror movie, and i can't stop them. They come more often this month.

I feel i have come to hate my birthday so much I refuse to even celebrate it. I dont want a dinner, a cake, or even presents. I just want my solitude. To just be alone.
Everyone insists on celebrating it, so I never really get my birthday wish.  I had a thought this year that seems more possible to help with this hole in the year.

Maybe I should go visit him on that day. Talk to him. He has been waiting for a long time... the last time I saw him was when I was about to join the Marines, so 17? 18? I'm not sure anymore. I went to him and told him I wanted to live my life for the both of us and join the services. After I raid it out loud, it sounded ridiculous. I could die, and I'm intending to live two lives? Well, obviously, i didn't go into the services, I failed the tests because I had a nasty migraine because I had to be off medications, which the result is just that. Never tried again, never got called back to try again.

Well, I have kept a part of that promise true, by living my life. I haven't entirely lived for him, but with having a family and all, it scares me that the same thing could happen to one of my boys. I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone. Not even an enemy. The Idea of it hurts. I dont want to get that call... I also don't want to be the one to make that call. That a child of yours, who you loved with all of your being, whom you fed and kissed goodnight, and changed them and sang them to sleep as a baby. The little one who was getting the hang of his math homework, and made the honor roll will not be sleeping in his bed ever again. Will never have another meal with again. Will NEVER hear those words that make being a parent all worth it. "I love you".

Any parent would break at the idea of never seeing their child again.
What to do? Everything reminds me of my kids. They remind me of how simple things used to be, and they are so lucky in so many ways. When they say ignorance is bliss, Look at your children. Most of them only know happiness and love. They don't understand jobs, money, death, politics... Or science for that matter. They want to know about toys games and anything fun. The simplest things can entertain a child for hours. To us, its a box. To them, it's a house, then a car, then a spaceship, then a time machine that can turn into all the above.
They dont need to know about passing away. They want to be happy, let them be happy. It is only one life to live, and we dont want to waste it being unhappy, and fearing the end of our life which we know will happen eventualy.
It may happen sooner than later, so be happy. Let your kids be happy. if they do go soon. At least the life they had was a happy one.
No parent should have to bury their own child.

There had been times between that birthday, and this one where I had wished it were me instead. The pain would have been spared from his family, but placed onto mine. I can't say I'd rather it were me then. But, I still don't want it to be his family either. To remove the pain from his, would to give it to another, because someone has to bear the pain for the sake of others. Their son could have been graduated at the top of his class as a medical student. A great Lawyer, or police officer who saved more lives than he could count... Or, it could have happened another way. Drive by, drug overdose... I doubt those, but it wasn't impossible. A good person was buried. He did not deserve to go. Not yet. But for some reason it was his time. When I saw him in school, I didn't see color, religion, or even social status. I saw a friendly face, and a good heart. That is what drew me to him to be his friend.

I am told over and over how it wasn't my fault, but i remember the scene. I could have done something, helped him call for an adult... Anything.

I was talking to my cousin about something. "L" fell in, I'm assuming, seeing as my back was turned. And my cousin pointed out he was splashing about and looked like he needed help. I turned, and mentioned that he liked to goof around like that, and continued what i was saying...
I remember my cousin trying to move a floating noodle over to him to help...
Then the adults panicked to see him at the bottom.
Bits come back, and I see what i did wrong. I didn't drown him myself, but I didnt help him either, which kind of makes me feel responsible. I can only imagine what his last thoughts were. "why aren't they helping me? I wish my momma was here, I am so scared, I can't swim. Why isn't my friend helping me? I trusted you..."
He must have been terrified- unable to breathe, panicked, feeling like the end is closer than rescue.


He may not haunt me. But it feels like he does in a way. He must have been at peace, or he would have made his presence known right?
as much as I think about it, the worse I feel. I don't want to forget...

If I hear another person tell me that I am not at any fault, I'm telling you are wrong. I still feel it. Words from the living are not going to change the way I feel about the dead's passing. I bring myself to tears when thinking long and hard enough. as I stated before, it comes and goes. Like a cold. Some times its bad, and others its like the flu.
No one but him can tell me I am not at fault. That will be hard for him to say right now. I haven't been able to express this accurately until lately. Your words will not change anything. His words, may not even do it.
When I feel responsible for someone's pain... It sticks with me like a pin in my hip. It's not going anywhere. It sits inside me and festers. I feel sad, almost every day when reflecting on what i have done. I may have said something rude, and you think its no big deal. to me... its like stealing from them.

Others may be able to let it go, and forgive and forget. I don't want to forget, when I remember, I can't forgive myself.

I intend to have a film close to me dedicated to him upon it's completion. "RR-LB"

Everyone has problems

Everyone has problems,  sometimes they feel they need to talk about it. Sometimes when they do talk about it, they talk to the listener as if they are someone who is responsible for the problem. I understand why, and it doesn't bother me. I consider it to be a type of role play.
You will play you, and I will play the asshole you are pissed off at.... And ACTION!
The message comes out to me but it wont be coming out to the person who needs to hear it. But now, atleast you got out some of the anger and verbal agression that could cause more conflict, and now that it has bee "rehearsed" you can sum it up into less and less hurtful words and disscuss it like adults later when the heat isn't at the boiling point. But, some topics are just not easy to talk about under any surcamstances. Some topics are just an instant switch from good mood to bad mood. For me, It's religion. I don't like to talk about it, and I don't want to hear about it either. But, I respect that my families and friends beleive in what they want, and I will not try to sway them to or from it. It works for some, but I feel it doesn't work for me. If I can respect you in your beleifs, I'd expect you to respect me with mine. That's the Short, generic version.

Anyway, I do hate to see people in trouble because its sad to see good people with such struggles. I'd love to help everyone, but unfortunatly it cant be done.
Some people don't want to talk about it, and that's cool too. I like to talk about things that bother me, and I'm one of those "Role play" types who take it out on the person im talking to. (Sorry by the way) But when no one is around, I use my webcam and let'er rip. I have had rants that went on for 45 minutes, and there were no interuptions, no questions, nothing. Just me venting and letting off some steam. It's better than keeping it bottled up and exploding on someone later who doesn't deserve that wrath.
Oh goodness. Fewer and fewer things are stopping me from smacking some people's faces for the things they do and say. My business is my business. Not anyone else's.

"Bring in the Clowns"

To get a little insight of my mindset:
When something has my boys in pain, I pretend to be a silly Doctor. There is a voice for different times of need, and sick, or pain comes this Doctor. He preforms zany operations with known tools but way-off names (like the dingle-hopper for example) the remedies are usually ridiculous and come with the same price. (fictionally of course) The point is, it makes them laugh, and the pain can subside for a moment, or longer. No parents want their child hurting, but we know very well it will happen.
They will bump their head, scrape their knee, catch a virus... it's inevitable. I know a little about pain. Much less than most people, but some.
When I was a young one, I got headaches and migraines a lot. Some felt as though a balloon were in my head. Sometimes I felt as though I were more of a burden to my parents during an episode. They never lashed out on me when i didn't make it to the bathroom in time. They understood. Which is a reason to understand the headaches my boys have, and when they "Blech", yes it's a smelly nasty mess, but these things happen. I sympathize with them about it because I know the feeling all to well.
I wouldn't have minded a silly make-beleive doctor giving me some goofy remedies for a headache... I kind of think, by keeping a sad, funky feeling person in the same mood, it feels like more of a pity party. Well, I say "Bring in the Clowns"
Only one person needs to be sad to bring in the rest of the household into feeling the same way. So, I, like the clowns, put on the fake smile to lift the mood of others, including the sick. As if to say that it happens, and there is no shame in it. Get well soon.

Maybe to a point... It can help rid a fear of the pain we may come to. We fear death, we cry about death, and no one shows up to a funeral as a clown. Very few feel comfortable telling a few jokes at one either. I suppose it is seen as disrespectful to the deceased.
We need time to mourn over our loss. I understand that. But would you want the last thing you hear in your life to be sad, or happy? Last thoughts, sad or happy? I'd want to hear something funny before i expire. I'd like to leave with a happy thought with my boys laughing with me and my wife. Not leave with the pain I'm leaving them in. Not like that.
Die happy, and live happy. Life is to damn short to mope around and feel sorry for yourself, or other people. Help people, yes cheering up is almost always needed when someone is down. But their are those times we do need to be alone with our thoughts. Those happy times we remember lift us up. Some people are those of solitude. I know I am. Others like to be around people in the time of loss. Not me. I don't like to hear all the sad "dead" talk. It's like trying to give a drink of water to a drowning cat. (Fuel on the fire) "They are in a better place"... I hear it every time. It's supposed to make me feel better? If they are someplace better, i kind of want to be there with them ya know? ( i know what that sounds like, but your wrong) They arent here anymore, and no one wants to get up on the mic and say something like "Looks like His wife will never have to worry about going limp again! Ba-dum-ching! Good bye Viagra, right?"
I'd crack a smile because maybe there is some truth to it. I wouldn't mind hearing a wise-ass remark before my soul moved on. No need to hear the "He was a good man, bla bla bla" Everyone is a good person after they die. They cant do anything now... If i was an ass hole, get up for a eulogy and say "Micah was an asshole. He was a weirdo, with a lot of crazy ideas. But dammit he gave a shit." I'd get it. So I wasnt perfect. Who is? I know im gonna mess up, we all do. I learn from my mistakes just like most others.

A smile can do more help than damage. A laugh has ability to heal by lifting the spirits (among other medical reasons) There shouldnt be any occasion where a joke isn't welcome.