The 5-27

So, today is the day.
I took a big step to... well a major change.
Today, I went to LuMon's burial site. I talked to him, and told him a bit about what has happened since the last time i visited him. My family came with me, and finaly got to meet him.
I came to a conclusion. With this happening at such a young age, its natural id blame myself. (at any age it'd be normal to do that) but the timing was rough. It got into my mind and heart that it was my fault. Like, if i didnt feel guilty, i wouldnt be human, or something. I let the day cripple me in such a way, I stayed introverted, made less friends, got afraid of getting close to people, but when i did, i'd hold them too close, until they push away. So, relationship tug-of war in a way. I didnt want to celebrate my birthday, because it felt like celebrating his death. So i tried not too.
I didnt want to. Most celebrations on my birthday since then was... not exactly consensual.

in my mind, i'd be telling myself i didnt deserve this. A celebration, or this happiness.

I ran from all of this, for 22 years. I need to stop blaming myself, stop running.
I learned something back then, but it wasnt to push people away and never celebrate that day again... It was to enjoy every moment you have, because it may be your last. And as far as those you care about, be there for them, love them, because it may be the last time to see them.
Celebrate life.

While at the site, i looked at the picture, and the wind blew it closed. not just once, but several times. From how i understood this was it was him telling me to stop beating myself up about it. To let it go. He wouldnt want me to do this to myself. "Shut the door" so to speak.

I think thats what ill do. stop living in the past. Remember him of course, but i cant dwell on it and blame myself anymore.

First step. I may visit next year too, and i know i want to do RR in memory of him.