A Confession.

Some things have been brought to my attention and some, if not most I am not proud of. Some are things I have noticed about myself, some make me proud, others not so much. For my whopping 10 regular readers, this blog may put some things in perspective about me that you hadn't known. Sense I'm the non controversial type, if it is a problem for you to read a few "pity party" things, feel free to ignore this blog. I will not hold it against you... Or even know...

As you may or may not know I'm father of two boys. My first son was not planned, but not prevented either. The Mrs. and I didn't fret because we had our families and were stable enough to care for him. Well I did one video for the mothers on Mothers' day and they loved it. So i did another video as a Christmas present, which I called "The Monkey Show" Starring my son as the Monkey. Typically in this movie would be like a movie... Trailer or two, a warning, opening sequence like in TV shows, and mixed up in it would mostly be holidays and events that took place that were missed by the other family members, like having to work for a birthday party, or a trip to the zoo things like that. Christmas presents and cookies, Halloween cookies and costumes, and just being silly and playing around, but still showing off his progression like learning to walk, talk, count- big stuff for him. Lots of firsts.
Well, With the year one DVD, I got a lot of compliments on how great it was. So cute, so funny, and feels like your right there with him every step of the way of his never ending journey of growing up.
I took that seriously, I loved doing it. It was so much fun to film him doing funny stuff and putting it together in a tasteful way that our family would enjoy.

I saw a commercial for a film school, and enrolled. It's in Arizona. So after consulting with the wife, we made our decision to move to AZ and get my degree in Film and Video Production. School hasn't been in for very long, and I lovingly jam out episode two without issues. Came out better than the first. Well then school curriculum got busy. Lots of homework, my skills were showing and soon I had so many side projects on my plate i had to put some aside. I had to start claiming to charge people so they would STOP asking me (with them being college students like me, in the learning phase, and no money was easy to shake people to think twice about it.) I didn't charge much, i forget the figures I gave for script doctoring and writing, but i was very affordable for a student's income.. At least i thought. I had to do it. I was spending so much time away from my boy and wife, and huddling up with the laptop during late hours of the night, trying to perfect a 10 page, unpaid script. I felt i should be paid for using my time to work, or even read the scripts. So I did. When the flow slowed to a halt,  I refused payments willing to be made- people came to me because they heard "I was the guy to go to for script work." Which, honestly made me blush when i heard it the first time. So I go soft and tell them its a freebie. Favor returned in some cases.
I didn't like spending time away from my son, and in some sense I think he wouldn't understand. He still wants to spend time with him. With the full time job, school work, and side stuff, I have little to no energy to do much else. Creatively working is mentally taxing on anyone.

Well any way, when those odd-unpaid-jobs came about, i spaced on the MS. Third year deadline came and went, and I was no longer busy on odd-jobs, but playing a FB game. I wasted so much time on that stupid game. So many hours, days, holidays, time i could have used productively, instead i wasted them on that stupid game. I am ashamed of that. I didn't log on FB to check up on my friends, and see how things are going... I wanted to see if i needed to get a depot back before work and set a platoon to heal for the upcoming event. Priorities got so messed up, my base became more important than being with my son. I'm ashamed of myself for allowing that to happen. I found myself getting pissed off about petty shit, and taking it out on my family. But i still didn't want to quit...  Then it got boring, it got more aggravating than fun, and finally it clicked... I quit. gave it up. I stopped caring about the game because it didn't care about me. My family cared about me and i ignored them for a stupid game. It's over now. the game is out of my life, and even with the rumors of nifty upgrades and neat bells and whistles, I refuse to log on it. I call it a Devil. It is stupid to be so uppity about a game where other players piss you off on purpose just for a laugh.

I realized now, that my boy is five, and my family have not seen his 3rd year DVD yet because of me and an addiction as well as other stressful things. I still have to release 3,4 and 5... Hopefully within the next 3 months... Here's hoping on that one.

I had a second son... Un planned, but while on birth control. The package was mislabeled so the wrong pill for the wrong day, and POOF! Mouth number 4 is here for me to feed. One out of diapers, one in them. I was hoping for a little stress releif from having to work so hard and make so little, but the job market is a cruel bitch in this town. For anything.
With two kids, and the newest being a digger, it is much more stressful than it used to be. And I was informed that it seems as though I blame my second son for being born. Well, he was the fastest swimmer of the team... He made it. It clicked, that I do blame him for being born. But, i blame him as if I hold it against him. Like he feels me being stressed out and knows on a subconcious level its because of him. Well, it isnt his existance that stresses me out, its that he wont listen. When he targets my stuff to destroy, I cant help but to think he hates me. It seems as though its always my movies he scratches, my mouse he loses, my drink he spills, my wires he unravels. I still love the little rugrat, but hes getting the wrong attention with these "destroying everything" stunts. With this guy, hes like 2 or 3 kids in one. and withmy oldest with him, he turns to 2 kids. so more like 5 kids worth of stress? I dont know. Maybe I'm an ass for thinking that. But its what is on my mind. I lose my cool easily with L, because i have to be on my toes 24/7 with him. with M, i can chill out and he will listen to what i tell him. He asks so many questions, and I like to answer them, when i know them anyway, or at least to the best of my knowledge. And seeing his face light up when I explain something as small as lights, or carbonation in a soda, it is priceless.

So, recently, My teamates moved away and any and all productions were put to a screeching halt. I'm bored as hell... I no longer play WC, and no one to make movies with... So I model stuff in C4D and do a little AE work for another friend of mine who likes my work, so I'm not bored ENTIRELY to tears, untill I am told i can take my time, and get it back- whenever. Its bothersome. I need a deadline, its part of my motivation. I dont like making tweaks when I consider it done... but i know it's gonna happen more times than I'll care to admit. Aside from that occasional modeling and effects, I start writing more scripts- well coming up wit ideas anyway. I get them started with a nice bang and a kid comes screaming by because his brother took his cereal... Soooo, now I'm out of the zone, and to keep writing, i have to get back IN the zone. As soon as i do... Another distraction, and another...
Your wondering now. Go to another room, right? It only works when the kid's cant reach the doorknob. Locking the door and having your headphones on full blast is the perfect way to get trapped in a burning apartment, or not know when theres an emergency... So, cell phone next to the computer, and a small sliver of FB dock for any messages - opening myself up to the outside world, but only through the channels I choose...
I want to get back to that- to a point. When I was a "script mack-daddy" Thats exactly what i did. Bought a desk specificly for that reason. I became so secluded from the family, I barely knew my wife anymore. (or so it seemed) So i planted my ass on the couch and we talked. So much, I stopped writing for a bit. Now, we still chat often, and i still writem i just have to find the balance of seclusion, work, and chat along with boys' time with daddy. So nothing is left out. I blog a lot more than i work on scripts now...

Within this month, some of my teamates have moved closer, and I have been offered to work on 3 scripts, readover and give formatting tips for another, and met two musical artists who are looking for videography work to be done, and another wants to write a story so i can make a script out of it. AND I am almost done with MS3. I want to add in the writing scripts in there too. I had to take some extra days off of work for classes for the next 10 weeks, but as of now, financialy, we can afford it comfortably. So i can fit in several things and hobbies within my free time, because my classes are gen eds. And from what i have heard, they are not to taxing in the homework feild, so... Les stress on two channels! I may be able to wind down and get a script or two done, short films done, and get the MS 3,4 and 5 out.

Well, with work in mind. When I first cam up here, i was told it was a mistake, and was told to go to another school, its not acredited, etc... Well, I could have. I looked, and I didn't want to stay. I needed more than what I was telling people. I needed an adventure of sorts. Adventure with a goal, (degree) a change of scenery. Some people got on my last nerve with the nagging. And I still went.
Well, to some people i suppose, water is thicker than blood. Some of our family has come here to visit us at least twice, and call atleast once a month. But not all of them. And it was from the part of my family who tried to get me to stay home, and not go and test out my "big boy" swimsuit in the ocean with the sharks. Heard from them twice in 4 years. Never came to visit. They know I love them, but I'm certian they do not care for my choice of field for my career. And I couldnt care less, if you dont like what I do for my career. But you not caring enough to pick up the phone and leave a voice mail? Come on... The phone works two ways. I wait for you to call me, because I feel the need of your acceptance, which at most points, i dont seem to get.
I am me. That is all I ever want to be, and if making movies is what this guy knows, then thats what this guy will do. Dont worry about us. If you want to know my kids. Get to know them. Dont wait untill its too late.
Being out in AZ hit hard, and gave me a smash of reality I ignored for so long. I learned more here about making it on our own than i did in TX. And I find it to be most important, we developed our own family traditions here. We make our ornaments by hand, to a theme, every year. We set up a weekly menu for dinners, and get groceries on Mondays, and budget for it as soon as my paystub comes in my email. What bills get paid now, and which ones will get the next check...
Not having a babysitter close by is the hardest - havent had a date-night in a VERY long time. I miss it. I know the Mrs. does too. We often talk about it, and we just cannot trust to many people around here, so it doesnt happen unless we bring them too. I'm thankfull for this. We have developed these things, and others just by being out on our own with no "911 call" for help from family. We deal with it and become more independent this way. I do not regret it.

Another strange thing i have noticed is fashion.
This kind of weirded me out at first... It's like I see an outfit somone is wearing... I like it. I sketch it.
Men, women, whatever, I try to remember it as it is, and sketch it as best as i can. I figure i could use a similar inspiration for costumes in films later. (the Mrs. told me that one) I thought i was being creepy, but I was just noticing something about an outfit that was modest, and tasteful, and attractive. Something I would allow my daughter to wear, even.
With the recent art history 1 clas, i have returned to my roots as a sketch artist. (add this to my hobbies) I need work on my prisma coloring technique, and i need to relax when sketching figures. Yes, I draw female figures, and yes, they are sometimes nudes. But I am not sketching them in a porographic way, or position. It is tasteful work.

Then again... it's all about perspective.
It is as the see'rs eyes preceive it.
People are going to see what they want to see...

Some thing else. With the failures of the MS, I feel as a failure, and with less time with my kids, i feel like ive been a bad father. I hear it all the time, "your a great dad", yeah, well be my son and we will see if your opinion changes. I think sometimes im doing wrong, but it isnt anything wrong with it.
I want to quit my job, i do. but I dont. I know i have to keep the bills paid, so I do what any other father and husband would do for his family... Cope. Put up with the crap to keep bills paid. Its hardly worth the effort anymore to keep working. It all goes away faster than i make it, and people are out there getting a free ride from hard working shmucks like me. Its bullshit. I feel like shit that I deal with the crap day after day, so the lazy jackass down the road can use his cash benifiets to get new rims on his escelade, while im struggling to keep up on diapers and oil changes.
I feel as if I failed as a son, failed as a husband, and as a father.
I know my parents want a good life for me, and dont want me to ostruggle, but thats part of the learning curve, is the struggle.
As a husband, i dont think i give my wife enough attention, and she feels responsible for all the finances, and feels bad about not having a job, and going to school, getting pregnant--- She thinks im mad at her about that stuff, but I'm only mad when worrying about it is nosupposed to be her concern. I bring the money in, i worr about the bills. You cannot pay rent on Sunday night at 3am. Relax. As a husband/wife team, we both have our own jobs we worry about. I worry about my job, money, bills schoolwork, the car, etc. I have control over that stuff.
She can worry about the kids, and the house and what-not, because she has control over it more than i do. It isnt intended to be sexist, but i can see where that comment would come into play. its the situation. If she had the job, and i didn't, the roles would be reversed. She can worry about the rent THEN. And another part of that team, is comunication, and honesty IN comunication. We talk it out. We do not see eye to eye on everything, but we discuss it and wheigh pros and cons, whatever it takes, then make the choice from there. I lost track of how many times she tried to tell me something, and i was so involved, i didn't listen on purpose. When I come back to reality... I tell her "Sorry, I wasn't listening... What were you saying?" or a "Hold that thought... Busy atm."- She is more thankfull that i am honest, than pretending i heard her. I'm thinking it strengthens a relationship by being honest about everything. if you cant be honest with your spouse, then who can you be honest with?
As a dad... I sometimes feel it. Just feel like im a bad father. Maybe its when they are bad and i need to punish them, and they cry. I have to pretend to not care when they cry about being in trouble. They need to know, I won't be suckered by tears.
I most likely am exagerating on that. But i feel it sometimes, and my heart sinks a bit. and a gloomy cloud hovers over my head.

Other times I feel as though I deserve a little more for all I do. I cant help but to feel jipped.
I think this pity party has gone on long enough. Maybe you learned somethings about me you werent expecting, or maybe i was stating the obvious, or maybe a light went off in your head to do something.

I do want to make another statement:
I am a father of two who worked full time and got a 3.1 GPA in college 18,000 miles away from home.
If that doesnt sum me up in a sentence...

I am curious of who is reading these blogs. If you would like to leave a comment or like the status, your obviously more than welcome to do so, and if you think someone else might get something out of these, feel free to share it too. Thanks.