If your a reader of my usual blog, ya know, the one that happens almost never now..
You'll know Im not really big on celebrating my Birthday, and know why. So ill skip that this time.
Now, last year I took a step into the right direction, thanks to some kind, and insightful words from a wise friend of mine. Im sure he knows who he is, but he told me, that my friend wouldn't be holding a grudge on me in heaven.
That triggered something inside me, it was like it was the first time i've heard it. It may have been, or maybe it was the 1200th time where it finally clicked.
Last year, I went to his grave site, and talked to him. Introduced my family, and all.
I was told it was a little morbid to do that, but I felt it to be necessary to get that closure after so long. I saw his picture, and the wind kept blowing the cover closed.
I read what was on his stone, and everything i remembered about him rushed back. I remembered that day he left, and it didn't hurt as much anymore.
When the picture kept closing on me i couldn't help to think it was his way of telling me that i have put so much on pause after he passed. I was introduced to death in a closer way than I should have been, and it was not my fault.
His way of telling me "dude, it was over 20 years ago. Stop doing this to yourself. It's done. Live your life man."
So, I would like to celebrate my birthday this year, but I want to treat it as if I were 10 years old or so.
Cake, party with the hats, a pinata, slip n' slide, grill up some burgers and hot dogs- and guests leave with little goody bags! I wanna do it small, but fun. I want it to be such a wonderful birthday, and remind myself of the fun i missed out on the past years.
Kinda feels like I'd owe it to myself, and him. I mean, i miss him, and still wish he were here to chill out, and let our kids throw water balloons at each other.
I am so thankful for the family, and friends I do have, and I wish I could have them all over, or have a huge blowout with TX friends, and AZ friends under one roof (or yard) so we can all kick back and have a good time.
I swear, if it happened, I'd break down in tears. Happy ones of course, but still. So many people will have tears on their shirts after all the hugs.
I love all of yall. Fam, friends, TX and AZ, and friends i call fam...
Love to all of yall.
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