My uncle John passed away a few days ago, and i graduate college, and am moving back to Texas soon....
Bitter sweet feelings.
I knew my uncle, but not very well. Most memories I have of him weren't very positive... He drank, smoked, and swore like a sailor. He was still family, and I still love him. Since I didn't see him so much, I don't know If I'll miss him, I probably will get to wishing i could hear him drop the F-Bomb a few more times while a cigarette burns in one hand and an iced whisky in the other.
Last I saw him, he was sick, and trying to quit drinking and smoking, and he was so different. I didn't mind being around him. Maybe it was because he was sober, or maybe it was because I was an adult, and he saw me more of an equal.
It got me thinking about passing away, and how I would like to see my life. On the last day of my life, I would like to be able to turn around, look at my "wibbly wobbly ball of timey-wimey stuff" and be able to say, "I regret nothing." I have been around for almost 30 years, and i know i have barely begun to live my life. Still have many years ahead of me, 30, 40, 50+ years, and i look forward to growing old, and being another few decades wiser. More experience in life, and the troubles that come with it.
I was raised catholic, but my faith has somewhat turned to another I'd call my own form of religion. Only Me in this one so far, but i have no intentions of "recruiting" more members. This is for me, and me only. A previous post was about that- the Scientist beyond, and the life lived will be decided on where you go. If I'm a bad person, I come back to hell on earth, and learn how it was to be treated as how i treated others in my former life. If I'm a good little human... Well... It's better than coming back to start over.
The reason I feel the creator as a scientist is simple. Everything can be explained through science. (almost anything) and it is updated often. The universe, galaxies, stars and planets, then all life on earth. Hell, our bodies are science. How we evolved is science. It is hard to look right in the prehistoric eye sockets of a homo erectus and deny all connections to them, and say "I didn't evolve from you."
It's been proven about evolution, from cave men to multiple races and to today. I never liked the idea of "blind faith", it is to uncertain.
Going in another direction, to go off of a few things on my mind...
With my school, I feel as though I should look at the amount of money I owe for student loans...
Then look at my demo reel(s)... Is it really worth THAT much money for this work? Did I learn what i should know to make this Field into a career and be good at it?
(may be a bit controversial)
women want to be treated equally, but when it comes to getting certain things (like a raise, or special treatment) sometimes, some will flirt, and flaunt themselves to get it. Typically, she will get it. If a man were to flirt with his female boss for that, it would be sexual harassment.
Equality in the workforce huh?
Not saying ALL women do that, really its more of the ones who don't mind looking like a piece of meat.
Weed should have similar restrictions as alcohol.
No using while driving, age limit, unavailable at certain days and times.
Guns should have the same as a car.
A license, insurance, age limit, training courses.
I look at ti like this: almost everyone has a car, and accidents happen, but are usually non-deadly.
If anyone had a gun with the courses and license, a crime could be less likely to happen, because a criminal has little intention of becoming a victim themselves, and if they know there's a good chance the people in that store are carrying a firearm, he wont even try.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
F*** Money
started to do my exit counseling... and what i have to say is fuck money.
Greedy ass fuckers, i swear. i have 62,000+ in debt tnow, and Im expected to just shit a job or pull 600 off my money tree and pay the student loans? THEN its reccomended i put aside 3 months worth of money as well? I put in the numbers, and it is VERY clear that will be a problem. Lets not forget the doubled student loans now... Capitalized loans. Bullshit. All from the greedy bastards trying to suck every penny from the hard working classes by making them go to school and take out loans, and pay back 62000 in 10 years and still pay that same amount in interest? What interest? I wasnt INTERESTed in your rate... I needed money to go to school, so i can pay back my student loans... How stupid.
I hope these punk-ass bastards choke on their dinner. Not to death, just enough to scare the shit out of them and make them think "Wow, im a greedy bastard. Maybe i should change my ways." How passive is that...
I hate the idea of having to rob banks and shit to pay off a maxed student loan and keep interest down.
other option is to treat it like breaking bad, and use that income to pay it off.
leagaly, i have been given options that will not risk jail time. so theres a plus.
still, the interest rates are still way to high, and if we are to be encouraged to get a better job with an education shouldnt the schooling be easier to obtain, and cheaper to do so? We would have les poverty wouldnt we? less people working fastfood and retail to pay off student loans. ill be almost 40 when my loans will be paid off... How depressing is that? By the time i am able to save money, and make a good living, ill be over the hill.
Ill still be able to prefom my job well and have lots of experience....
Still. Without money, our economy would have to resort to bartering again. Then the 99% come back into power over the useless 1%. Ha ha! All that "work" for that paper will be useless, and the only thing that will get you anywhere is trade of items, and skills. The only skills you bozos posess is sucking money out of hard working peoples pockets. If theres no money, you have no skills, and are useless.
Greedy ass fuckers, i swear. i have 62,000+ in debt tnow, and Im expected to just shit a job or pull 600 off my money tree and pay the student loans? THEN its reccomended i put aside 3 months worth of money as well? I put in the numbers, and it is VERY clear that will be a problem. Lets not forget the doubled student loans now... Capitalized loans. Bullshit. All from the greedy bastards trying to suck every penny from the hard working classes by making them go to school and take out loans, and pay back 62000 in 10 years and still pay that same amount in interest? What interest? I wasnt INTERESTed in your rate... I needed money to go to school, so i can pay back my student loans... How stupid.
I hope these punk-ass bastards choke on their dinner. Not to death, just enough to scare the shit out of them and make them think "Wow, im a greedy bastard. Maybe i should change my ways." How passive is that...
I hate the idea of having to rob banks and shit to pay off a maxed student loan and keep interest down.
other option is to treat it like breaking bad, and use that income to pay it off.
leagaly, i have been given options that will not risk jail time. so theres a plus.
still, the interest rates are still way to high, and if we are to be encouraged to get a better job with an education shouldnt the schooling be easier to obtain, and cheaper to do so? We would have les poverty wouldnt we? less people working fastfood and retail to pay off student loans. ill be almost 40 when my loans will be paid off... How depressing is that? By the time i am able to save money, and make a good living, ill be over the hill.
Ill still be able to prefom my job well and have lots of experience....
Still. Without money, our economy would have to resort to bartering again. Then the 99% come back into power over the useless 1%. Ha ha! All that "work" for that paper will be useless, and the only thing that will get you anywhere is trade of items, and skills. The only skills you bozos posess is sucking money out of hard working peoples pockets. If theres no money, you have no skills, and are useless.
What classifies us as human? - Blog on assignment.
My assignment essay is an ethics request of 5 things that classifies us as human.
One aspect of us being human is taking fellow peoples feelings into consideration before we act. For example, Snorting off a rude comment at a fast food employee belittles them, making them feel un appreciated, and could potentially become hostile. By not taking the fast food worker's feelings into consideration, you can now enjoy you loogie burger and urinade in solitude. Taking in account of how others' will react to your decisions is part of humanity. Lives are much more tolerable when people wave hello to the guy in the cross walk instead of shooting him the finger. A bad mood is like a virus, when someone gets pissy, it is likely they will do something inconsiderate and piss of another person, which does it to another, and so on. The cycle is rarely broken. When I see someone running to a person's aid, when not asked, I feel a part of humanity is restored. Do to people as you would have them do to you. If you are not to apply this logic, it can be said that you are not human. It would be easy to consider a murderer non-human, because they did not care of their victems' feelings of wanting to live...
Fear is also an aspect of our humanity, without it we know no limits, and thinking of others is unlikely. Every creature feels fear-- So supposedly, this aspect just is a sign of being a living being.
To enjoy works of art is a wonderful human aspect. Art can make us feel a number of emotions, by showing the beauty, ugliness, or the unusual of the world around us. To be overwhelmed by a symphony, is such a thing only a human can comprehend. A line from a movie comes to mind with this; I, Robot. Spooner says, "Can a machine turn a canvas into a masterpiece? Can a machine write a symphony?" Sonny replies, "Can you?"- Not every human is capable of creating a work of art, but we are able to enjoy it.
Our ID (inner desires) can be a way to classify us as human. This is what we want, more than anything else in the world. Total bliss to us. This can be related to us as caveman days, where we did what we wanted when we wanted to do it. If we saw a piece of meat we wanted, we could club the guy eating it, and take it for ourselves. Our ID is our primal instincts, which is how most animals already act upon anyway. What makes us human with our ID, is our control over the ID. With out that control, We could do whatever we wanted and be completely primal again.
Freewill- We can do anything we want, but we think of the consequences before hand. Most humans would classify throwing rocks at a lion pride to be a very bad idea. But throwing rocks at a tree is better. The tree wont do anything but stand there, but the lions will maul you. We CAN do what we want, but our ability to control ourselves and make logical and emotional decisions of consequences is what makes this a human trait.
Humans tend to reason emotionally and logically. Thinking with your mind, and with your emotions. An example of to explain this would be: You have two candidates to fill one job. One guy has lots of experience, and is a great model employee, and the other has a little experience, and has a bad habit of being late. Logic says to go with the Experienced model employee, but emotional reasoning says to go with the less experienced late guy because he is your nephew's friend... We are the only species that does this. Animals go on instinct,
One aspect of us being human is taking fellow peoples feelings into consideration before we act. For example, Snorting off a rude comment at a fast food employee belittles them, making them feel un appreciated, and could potentially become hostile. By not taking the fast food worker's feelings into consideration, you can now enjoy you loogie burger and urinade in solitude. Taking in account of how others' will react to your decisions is part of humanity. Lives are much more tolerable when people wave hello to the guy in the cross walk instead of shooting him the finger. A bad mood is like a virus, when someone gets pissy, it is likely they will do something inconsiderate and piss of another person, which does it to another, and so on. The cycle is rarely broken. When I see someone running to a person's aid, when not asked, I feel a part of humanity is restored. Do to people as you would have them do to you. If you are not to apply this logic, it can be said that you are not human. It would be easy to consider a murderer non-human, because they did not care of their victems' feelings of wanting to live...
Fear is also an aspect of our humanity, without it we know no limits, and thinking of others is unlikely. Every creature feels fear-- So supposedly, this aspect just is a sign of being a living being.
To enjoy works of art is a wonderful human aspect. Art can make us feel a number of emotions, by showing the beauty, ugliness, or the unusual of the world around us. To be overwhelmed by a symphony, is such a thing only a human can comprehend. A line from a movie comes to mind with this; I, Robot. Spooner says, "Can a machine turn a canvas into a masterpiece? Can a machine write a symphony?" Sonny replies, "Can you?"- Not every human is capable of creating a work of art, but we are able to enjoy it.
Our ID (inner desires) can be a way to classify us as human. This is what we want, more than anything else in the world. Total bliss to us. This can be related to us as caveman days, where we did what we wanted when we wanted to do it. If we saw a piece of meat we wanted, we could club the guy eating it, and take it for ourselves. Our ID is our primal instincts, which is how most animals already act upon anyway. What makes us human with our ID, is our control over the ID. With out that control, We could do whatever we wanted and be completely primal again.
Freewill- We can do anything we want, but we think of the consequences before hand. Most humans would classify throwing rocks at a lion pride to be a very bad idea. But throwing rocks at a tree is better. The tree wont do anything but stand there, but the lions will maul you. We CAN do what we want, but our ability to control ourselves and make logical and emotional decisions of consequences is what makes this a human trait.
Humans tend to reason emotionally and logically. Thinking with your mind, and with your emotions. An example of to explain this would be: You have two candidates to fill one job. One guy has lots of experience, and is a great model employee, and the other has a little experience, and has a bad habit of being late. Logic says to go with the Experienced model employee, but emotional reasoning says to go with the less experienced late guy because he is your nephew's friend... We are the only species that does this. Animals go on instinct,
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
THIS Generation is F****D.
Are you inconsiderate? A douche? Or an inconsiderate douche?
If you pull up behind someone who is facing a wall of moving cars and honk at them...
You are an inconsiderate douche.
If you weave through traffic going 65 in a 45 zone, causing a delivery truck, an 18 wheeler, and 3-4 cars to hit their brakes because you didn't signal across 3 lanes of traffic...
You are a MAJOR inconsiderate douche bag in a disgusting, disease infested elderly hooker's ass... and Fuck you.
If you drive and do not signal...
You are inconsiderate.
If you put fliers on peoples windshields to come to your business...
Not only are you inconsiderate, but i have the right mind to collect every one of those fliers, and empty the bag on that business's front door with another note on the door that says "How do you like it?"
That would make me a douche.
It really sucks how so many people treat others like they don't matter. In a line, in the cars... More people are selfish, and its sickening. If they were hungry because they haven't eaten lunch yet, I'd bet several people would take a kid's lunch box.
Because in their mind, the only person that matters is themselves. Selfish bastards don't care about hurting anyone, or risking lives, just as long as they get their way, they are 'happy'.
Every time some pushy asshole pulls up behind me and honks for me to drive into oncoming traffic, I want to throw it in park. Let them wait and make an ass of themselves.
Nothing is more important to them to get to their apartment, because it will be gone in 15 seconds. uh, no? As I'm in park now, "oh, dang. I stalled. Guess you gotta go around." Then let that dickhead drive into oncoming traffic and get hit. Hahahaa!
If captain asshole wants to persist honking, and decides hes to good to go around, or wait 15-20 seconds, I have another solution...
Put in park, get out my box cutter and slash his tires. OMG! hes getting out! Nope, got a prop gun i pull out. Now HE'S pissed his pants. I am triumphant.
He is embarrassed as hell on the road, and has to change a tire in traffic with piss all over him.
Bet he won't do THAT again.
I hate being like that, but some fuckers will never learn until the extreme happens to them. Like what seems to be a life or death situation.
Take Fight Club for example. The kid in the back of the convenience store? Raymond? Wanted to be a vet. Tyler scared the hell out of him, but it opened his eyes.
"Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."
This guy will have a new look on life seeing as he almost lost his own from being so inconsiderate of others' lives.
Then again, it most likely wont end up that way, because that's not my luck. With my luck it would be a big mo fo in a big truck who also happens to be a war veteran.
And ill be dead in the road. Yahooo...
Point still remains, we as people must take others into consideration, and work with it out of humanity, not law, not anything else. For the sake of humanity.
I get it. Its your freedom to say what you want in public, to put bad words on your car, or a big pair of chrome testicles from your big "monster truck" looking truck....
That makes you look like a douche. The balls on your truck... You don't think kids in their car seats are asking their parents what that is? And what "fuck" means? You tainted youth asshole.
Your big truck of yours tells everyone how small your pe-pe is... So now you want everyone to see your over compensated chrome balls too? Now we KNOW your insecure, and your truck has MUCH bigger balls than you do. You thought those big shiny balls you bought were going to prove to everyone you have balls? Nope. We know where they are, and they aren't in your pants.
You are a Douche.
The swearing sticker? The piss on _____ decals?
Inconsiderate.
Driving with your brights on ALL THE TIME.
Inconsiderate.
It IS your freedom. You CAN. Still, you shouldn't be inconsiderate, and make everyone else miserable just for yourself.
Like those people who leave their home country, to here. and expect us to change to fit their needs. Uh, no... You left your country, you came to a new one, YOU learn English. YOU accustom to US. WE are the land of the free, and YOU are welcome to it, but don't cry about how different our country is from yours and expect us to change into the very thing you left. I hate my landlord, but i just deal with it. I cant cry until they give me free rent, they will kick me out before free rent will happen.
Expect others to do your job for you?
Inconsiderate douche.
When someone asks a serious question and you give a smartass remark trying to be funny...
That is inconsiderate. Makes you look like a douche. And an attention whore, so dont get pissy when this happens:
"Oh I get it. It's just not funny."
Crying to get your way. Pathetic.
Complaining is the only way to get anything done.
This can easily flow with parenting methods....
If we cry to the government enough they change what we wanted them to change- But when we NEED it to be changed and tell them NO, they cry about it and do what they want anyway. Both sides can be seen as immature children. But they know they have power over us, and what they say goes. Like when our parents used to say "because i said so, that's why." If we said that to THEM we'd get a pop on the face. That's what they are doing.
Now that we more parents- and ALL of which are afraid of having to discipline their kids in ANY WAY, we have kids running rampant like wolves... And over crowded prisons. More spanks would be teaching kids some respect for their elders. By telling the kids no, they eventually understand they cant ALWAYS get what they want.
When I tell my boys "no" and they cry about it, i sit there and stare at them until they stop and look at me to see if I'm buying it. Then I ask "You done?"--- It's over.
If it continues, ill cry LIKE them, WITH them. So they see how ridiculous their tantrum looks. They stop soon after i start crying "Waaaaa! I want a raise! I don't WANNA go to work! WAAA!"
They look at me like I'm nuts, and maybe I am. But I can guarantee they see the creature they created, and they don't like it.
By not raising your kids properly, to show respect to others, and treat people AS people, and not less than...
It is inconsiderate to the rest of the generation having to put up with them as an inconsiderate douche co-worker, or a wife and kid-beating prick. Do humanity a favor and raise your kids right, or don't have kids at all. You had an oopsie? Shouldn't have had sex then. Don't have sex until you are ready to have a kid- we also tend to have forgotten the primary reason for sex is reproduction. If you don't want to reproduce, don't have sex... Or tie your tubes, get a vasectomy, whatever... Just DON'T REPRODUCE. Those parents are too lazy and selfish to raise a child properly, teach them morals, and right from wrong- should not have had kids.
Just thinking this actually...
Don't bring another human being into this world until you know how to treat another human being LIKE a human being.
I read an article of razor blades stuck to playground equipment.
Sick. Ass. Fuckers.
THIS is the generation your raising people...
THIS is the generation who's parents fear to discipline their kids.
THIS is the generation who leaves their kids in a car seat in another room with one bottle for a month... THIS is the generation who microwaves their baby to get back at their 'baby daddy'.
THIS is the generation that shoots babies in the face while helplessly sitting in the stroller.
THIS is the generation that will be in congress, president, managers, teachers, cops, EMT's fire fighters and all other people running our society????
Think about that. Let it sink in.
Which are you more afraid of.....
Spanking your kids? Or the future humanity has if you don't?
If you pull up behind someone who is facing a wall of moving cars and honk at them...
You are an inconsiderate douche.
If you weave through traffic going 65 in a 45 zone, causing a delivery truck, an 18 wheeler, and 3-4 cars to hit their brakes because you didn't signal across 3 lanes of traffic...
You are a MAJOR inconsiderate douche bag in a disgusting, disease infested elderly hooker's ass... and Fuck you.
If you drive and do not signal...
You are inconsiderate.
If you put fliers on peoples windshields to come to your business...
Not only are you inconsiderate, but i have the right mind to collect every one of those fliers, and empty the bag on that business's front door with another note on the door that says "How do you like it?"
That would make me a douche.
It really sucks how so many people treat others like they don't matter. In a line, in the cars... More people are selfish, and its sickening. If they were hungry because they haven't eaten lunch yet, I'd bet several people would take a kid's lunch box.
Because in their mind, the only person that matters is themselves. Selfish bastards don't care about hurting anyone, or risking lives, just as long as they get their way, they are 'happy'.
Every time some pushy asshole pulls up behind me and honks for me to drive into oncoming traffic, I want to throw it in park. Let them wait and make an ass of themselves.
Nothing is more important to them to get to their apartment, because it will be gone in 15 seconds. uh, no? As I'm in park now, "oh, dang. I stalled. Guess you gotta go around." Then let that dickhead drive into oncoming traffic and get hit. Hahahaa!
If captain asshole wants to persist honking, and decides hes to good to go around, or wait 15-20 seconds, I have another solution...
Put in park, get out my box cutter and slash his tires. OMG! hes getting out! Nope, got a prop gun i pull out. Now HE'S pissed his pants. I am triumphant.
He is embarrassed as hell on the road, and has to change a tire in traffic with piss all over him.
Bet he won't do THAT again.
I hate being like that, but some fuckers will never learn until the extreme happens to them. Like what seems to be a life or death situation.
Take Fight Club for example. The kid in the back of the convenience store? Raymond? Wanted to be a vet. Tyler scared the hell out of him, but it opened his eyes.
"Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."
This guy will have a new look on life seeing as he almost lost his own from being so inconsiderate of others' lives.
Then again, it most likely wont end up that way, because that's not my luck. With my luck it would be a big mo fo in a big truck who also happens to be a war veteran.
And ill be dead in the road. Yahooo...
Point still remains, we as people must take others into consideration, and work with it out of humanity, not law, not anything else. For the sake of humanity.
I get it. Its your freedom to say what you want in public, to put bad words on your car, or a big pair of chrome testicles from your big "monster truck" looking truck....
That makes you look like a douche. The balls on your truck... You don't think kids in their car seats are asking their parents what that is? And what "fuck" means? You tainted youth asshole.
Your big truck of yours tells everyone how small your pe-pe is... So now you want everyone to see your over compensated chrome balls too? Now we KNOW your insecure, and your truck has MUCH bigger balls than you do. You thought those big shiny balls you bought were going to prove to everyone you have balls? Nope. We know where they are, and they aren't in your pants.
You are a Douche.
The swearing sticker? The piss on _____ decals?
Inconsiderate.
Driving with your brights on ALL THE TIME.
Inconsiderate.
It IS your freedom. You CAN. Still, you shouldn't be inconsiderate, and make everyone else miserable just for yourself.
Like those people who leave their home country, to here. and expect us to change to fit their needs. Uh, no... You left your country, you came to a new one, YOU learn English. YOU accustom to US. WE are the land of the free, and YOU are welcome to it, but don't cry about how different our country is from yours and expect us to change into the very thing you left. I hate my landlord, but i just deal with it. I cant cry until they give me free rent, they will kick me out before free rent will happen.
Expect others to do your job for you?
Inconsiderate douche.
When someone asks a serious question and you give a smartass remark trying to be funny...
That is inconsiderate. Makes you look like a douche. And an attention whore, so dont get pissy when this happens:
"Oh I get it. It's just not funny."
Crying to get your way. Pathetic.
Complaining is the only way to get anything done.
This can easily flow with parenting methods....
If we cry to the government enough they change what we wanted them to change- But when we NEED it to be changed and tell them NO, they cry about it and do what they want anyway. Both sides can be seen as immature children. But they know they have power over us, and what they say goes. Like when our parents used to say "because i said so, that's why." If we said that to THEM we'd get a pop on the face. That's what they are doing.
Now that we more parents- and ALL of which are afraid of having to discipline their kids in ANY WAY, we have kids running rampant like wolves... And over crowded prisons. More spanks would be teaching kids some respect for their elders. By telling the kids no, they eventually understand they cant ALWAYS get what they want.
When I tell my boys "no" and they cry about it, i sit there and stare at them until they stop and look at me to see if I'm buying it. Then I ask "You done?"--- It's over.
If it continues, ill cry LIKE them, WITH them. So they see how ridiculous their tantrum looks. They stop soon after i start crying "Waaaaa! I want a raise! I don't WANNA go to work! WAAA!"
They look at me like I'm nuts, and maybe I am. But I can guarantee they see the creature they created, and they don't like it.
By not raising your kids properly, to show respect to others, and treat people AS people, and not less than...
It is inconsiderate to the rest of the generation having to put up with them as an inconsiderate douche co-worker, or a wife and kid-beating prick. Do humanity a favor and raise your kids right, or don't have kids at all. You had an oopsie? Shouldn't have had sex then. Don't have sex until you are ready to have a kid- we also tend to have forgotten the primary reason for sex is reproduction. If you don't want to reproduce, don't have sex... Or tie your tubes, get a vasectomy, whatever... Just DON'T REPRODUCE. Those parents are too lazy and selfish to raise a child properly, teach them morals, and right from wrong- should not have had kids.
Just thinking this actually...
Don't bring another human being into this world until you know how to treat another human being LIKE a human being.
I read an article of razor blades stuck to playground equipment.
Sick. Ass. Fuckers.
THIS is the generation your raising people...
THIS is the generation who's parents fear to discipline their kids.
THIS is the generation who leaves their kids in a car seat in another room with one bottle for a month... THIS is the generation who microwaves their baby to get back at their 'baby daddy'.
THIS is the generation that shoots babies in the face while helplessly sitting in the stroller.
THIS is the generation that will be in congress, president, managers, teachers, cops, EMT's fire fighters and all other people running our society????
Think about that. Let it sink in.
Which are you more afraid of.....
Spanking your kids? Or the future humanity has if you don't?
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Monster
As from my last post of being walked on and whatnot, I feel as though I have been comming closer and closer and closer to some kind of meltdown.
I keep getting hit with BS and its driving me nuts.
Scary as this to me, you may not find it to be so bad.
As of the moment, I'm voulintarily listening to dubstep... And am okay with it....
For the record, I normally do not like it. It sounds like toilet sounds in my ears.
But right now. I feel it- somehow untwisting my stomache from the knots it was in. My brian still grinds a bit though...
I hate being shit on. But right now the music sounds like i feel
Like shit.
Quick recap on why im feeling like this:
The car has been in the shop almost every day sense thursdy, new problem every time it seems. Today, it seems as though we are going to have to "Biff" our car. (Special way to start it) First time, i removed the key from the ignition and tried again, and it worked. It worked the second time it stalled too. Thats when i realized the AC had to be off for the car to start. Well, we took it back to the shop, and they "fixed" it before i went to class. Made it to class no prob. Went to come home and nada. No start.
So, i was in the stalled car, almost dead phone battery, auto shop closed, no laptop, and sandstorm about to pick up in an uncovered spot. AWESOME.
Well i did get it going... now the AC needs to be ON for it to start.... -_- What the fuckin' fuck?
So gotta bring it to the shop in the morning, and i will not pay for ANOTHER half-ass job.
AAAnnnnd to make things even more sarcasticly awesome... Link got ahold of my dry erase markers AGAIN, and scribbled all over the table cloth, wall, my mouse, notebooks AND my laptop while destroying the marker... Again.
I bungee the chairs to the table, keeping him from getting to it, and the electrical outlets over here. NOTHING is working. He figures it all out. I think he may be genius, most likely an evil one. He is after me- he wants to drive me to the crazy house, and I'm practicly at the front door begging to be committed.
Im losing my damn mind. I may become a monster I dont want to become. If this shit keeps going, I'm going to lose it... This little boy needs to back up off my shit. Forever.
Foresight says He will be enrolled in military school for kindergarden. That'll Learn him...
I keep getting hit with BS and its driving me nuts.
Scary as this to me, you may not find it to be so bad.
As of the moment, I'm voulintarily listening to dubstep... And am okay with it....
For the record, I normally do not like it. It sounds like toilet sounds in my ears.
But right now. I feel it- somehow untwisting my stomache from the knots it was in. My brian still grinds a bit though...
I hate being shit on. But right now the music sounds like i feel
Like shit.
Quick recap on why im feeling like this:
The car has been in the shop almost every day sense thursdy, new problem every time it seems. Today, it seems as though we are going to have to "Biff" our car. (Special way to start it) First time, i removed the key from the ignition and tried again, and it worked. It worked the second time it stalled too. Thats when i realized the AC had to be off for the car to start. Well, we took it back to the shop, and they "fixed" it before i went to class. Made it to class no prob. Went to come home and nada. No start.
So, i was in the stalled car, almost dead phone battery, auto shop closed, no laptop, and sandstorm about to pick up in an uncovered spot. AWESOME.
Well i did get it going... now the AC needs to be ON for it to start.... -_- What the fuckin' fuck?
So gotta bring it to the shop in the morning, and i will not pay for ANOTHER half-ass job.
AAAnnnnd to make things even more sarcasticly awesome... Link got ahold of my dry erase markers AGAIN, and scribbled all over the table cloth, wall, my mouse, notebooks AND my laptop while destroying the marker... Again.
I bungee the chairs to the table, keeping him from getting to it, and the electrical outlets over here. NOTHING is working. He figures it all out. I think he may be genius, most likely an evil one. He is after me- he wants to drive me to the crazy house, and I'm practicly at the front door begging to be committed.
Im losing my damn mind. I may become a monster I dont want to become. If this shit keeps going, I'm going to lose it... This little boy needs to back up off my shit. Forever.
Foresight says He will be enrolled in military school for kindergarden. That'll Learn him...
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Little Dreams... Crushed.
Tonight, I stopped in my tracks and looked to the stars. With the city lights, I didn't see many, which saddens me a bit. As a kid, I loved watching the stars flicker, and try to find constellations. I also liked to think of each star to have their own sentient species, and even some of these stars may actually be a distant space ship of one of those planets. I dreamed of going into space, and finding aliens, and befriending them.
Those were some very happy times- Imagination is unlimited when you are a child, but as you grow up, reality slaps you in the face all day every day. Work at a job to pay for the place you only sleep in, and might eat at twice a week. Work your ass off for almost no satisfaction... Reality is i pissy bitch on her monthly cycle. I would really love to give reality the finger and let that do the talking, because I fuckin' hate reality. I, among everyone else on this planet, would LOOOOOVE to live on my own little world, filled with the people I don't mind hanging around. I'm a bit of an awkward person, and i don't need to be reminded of that every ten seconds. I sometimes feel like I am a different species, that i don't belong here at all. I'm on a planet that feels like home, but isn't. I see myself in pictures and videos, and my initial reaction is about my appearance and posture. I look like a dork from dorkville. Not quite the mayor of Dorkville, but maybe a politician of some sort.
I have no sense of style when it comes to behavior with my peers, or cloths, hair, home decor- None.
Still waiting for a point huh?
Well, my view has changed sense i was a kid, just as anyone elses.
Where I used to see potential aliens, I now see balls of gas billions of miles away.
The stars now have come to resemble the beautiful dreams I had then, that never came true. That never will. Everyone says to reach for the stars, and i think they are full of it.
I used to find that phrase to lift my spirits, because those stars resembled my dreams, the infinity of possibilities! When I became an adult, It still lifted me, but not near as much- the older i got the dimmer the stars became, as if they were pulling away. Now, I hear the words, and I scoff. I look at the stars, or whats left of them, and instead of all the awesomeness, and magic, and beautiful dreams they used to be, I see my broken dreams, the memories of what used to be, and never will be again. These stars are seen by so many, and have BEEN seen by so many.
In a way, as the first humans walked the dirt, and saw the stars, they were magic. Beautiful. Blissful ignorance. As we evolved and populated, our ideas, and dreams were plucked from the sky, like berries off the bush. Our population grew larger, but our stars became dimmer, and with the stars dim, we did to.
With seeing myself then, and seeing myself now, I might be a bit disappointed.
I disappointed my parents all the time, and weather or not they admit it is on them. I know I upset my dad by moving to Arizona. Before the move he was trying to get me to stay, and one of the guilt trips involved my son not knowing him.
Fair argument, I must say. And as of the past 4 years, no visits from him, and 2 phone calls- one of which was to let me know my grandfather passed away.
My mother has been here 3 times. Mother in law 3 times. Father in law, 2 times. My father... 0.
Not my fault.
When we get back to TX, I will explain it like this:
"If you want to 'know' your grandsons, come over and get to know them."
While being here in AZ, and being shit on every hour of every day, I'm sick of being shit on. I'm not a public toilet for everyone's deuces. I'm not taking peoples bullshit anymore. I have gotten to be an angry, pissed of person that i hate. When I find some GD happiness, ill be damned if I'm going to let someone rip that off my chest. I just might lose my mind with one to many snooty comments from someones mouth, and may go against my "no violence" policy.
How bout i rip your voice box out and shove it in your ass? Now everyone knows your talkin' shit.
The further I look into the future now, I see very little in TX. Family is all I have... And some of the family... I never really saw any way. I communicate with my family more on Fb than in person. Why do i need to be closer to someone I'm chatting with online? All my film connections are here. None are there. I can make great films over here with a team who love doing this stuff, and know what there doing. When there, i have to create a team, and train them to do what needs to be done. And hope they love doing it, as well as get good enough to do it and get paid- otherwise its a waste of a degree.
I have been torn on it forever, but I still will go back and give it a try. Re connect with some roots. Maybe the "pre-collected" team I have organized will be a great start, and learn quickly. Maybe I'll find a job at a studio I didn't realize was there.
Once, as a teen, I looked at myself in the mirror and spoke to my reflection.
What I said was: "I hate you."
After the 3rd time... I broke into tears.
To this day, I can't look at my self for very long in a "natural" way.
Like casually walking by a mirror and seeing myself, I don't look for longer than a minute or two. But when posing for pictures in my web cam... It isn't "me" so I'm okay with it.-
Actually, let me explain it like this-
I have two mindsets, and two names that goes along with them.
My middle name is Micah, the guy that everyone knows when they meet at work, or at the grocery checkout line, or even at the gas pump.
Joseph... Is a side few people have seen. I have come close to losing it, and letting him out, which I am afraid of doing... This side represents almost (yes, ALMOST) all my frustration, anger, insecurities... I hate to speak the name, I hate hearing it. Because this "Joseph" is the only person I could ever hate and fear at the same time. My heart sinks to my stomache, and my head feels lighter, and i go into a cold sweat, and vision blurs.
I used to see a shrink for depression, but maybe that was the wrong thing to be seeing him for. It could be my imagination because i never actually remember going "Joseph" only a few times I felt him trying to escape, but he never did because I still fear him. I have been able to keep him in check for 27 years, but who's to say he hasn't been getting stronger, and I am getting weaker- With the stress, and stupid people I deal with (not all of them) My biggest question would be "how much longer can I keep him locked up?"
Maybe I need professional help. Maybe my imagination is still intact. Maybe I want to think its my imagination to fool myself into thinking its fake, when it isn't.
How do i know anything is real?
How do i know I'm not dreaming in my padded room and straight jacket??
Or...
Those were some very happy times- Imagination is unlimited when you are a child, but as you grow up, reality slaps you in the face all day every day. Work at a job to pay for the place you only sleep in, and might eat at twice a week. Work your ass off for almost no satisfaction... Reality is i pissy bitch on her monthly cycle. I would really love to give reality the finger and let that do the talking, because I fuckin' hate reality. I, among everyone else on this planet, would LOOOOOVE to live on my own little world, filled with the people I don't mind hanging around. I'm a bit of an awkward person, and i don't need to be reminded of that every ten seconds. I sometimes feel like I am a different species, that i don't belong here at all. I'm on a planet that feels like home, but isn't. I see myself in pictures and videos, and my initial reaction is about my appearance and posture. I look like a dork from dorkville. Not quite the mayor of Dorkville, but maybe a politician of some sort.
I have no sense of style when it comes to behavior with my peers, or cloths, hair, home decor- None.
Still waiting for a point huh?
Well, my view has changed sense i was a kid, just as anyone elses.
Where I used to see potential aliens, I now see balls of gas billions of miles away.
The stars now have come to resemble the beautiful dreams I had then, that never came true. That never will. Everyone says to reach for the stars, and i think they are full of it.
I used to find that phrase to lift my spirits, because those stars resembled my dreams, the infinity of possibilities! When I became an adult, It still lifted me, but not near as much- the older i got the dimmer the stars became, as if they were pulling away. Now, I hear the words, and I scoff. I look at the stars, or whats left of them, and instead of all the awesomeness, and magic, and beautiful dreams they used to be, I see my broken dreams, the memories of what used to be, and never will be again. These stars are seen by so many, and have BEEN seen by so many.
In a way, as the first humans walked the dirt, and saw the stars, they were magic. Beautiful. Blissful ignorance. As we evolved and populated, our ideas, and dreams were plucked from the sky, like berries off the bush. Our population grew larger, but our stars became dimmer, and with the stars dim, we did to.
With seeing myself then, and seeing myself now, I might be a bit disappointed.
I disappointed my parents all the time, and weather or not they admit it is on them. I know I upset my dad by moving to Arizona. Before the move he was trying to get me to stay, and one of the guilt trips involved my son not knowing him.
Fair argument, I must say. And as of the past 4 years, no visits from him, and 2 phone calls- one of which was to let me know my grandfather passed away.
My mother has been here 3 times. Mother in law 3 times. Father in law, 2 times. My father... 0.
Not my fault.
When we get back to TX, I will explain it like this:
"If you want to 'know' your grandsons, come over and get to know them."
While being here in AZ, and being shit on every hour of every day, I'm sick of being shit on. I'm not a public toilet for everyone's deuces. I'm not taking peoples bullshit anymore. I have gotten to be an angry, pissed of person that i hate. When I find some GD happiness, ill be damned if I'm going to let someone rip that off my chest. I just might lose my mind with one to many snooty comments from someones mouth, and may go against my "no violence" policy.
How bout i rip your voice box out and shove it in your ass? Now everyone knows your talkin' shit.
The further I look into the future now, I see very little in TX. Family is all I have... And some of the family... I never really saw any way. I communicate with my family more on Fb than in person. Why do i need to be closer to someone I'm chatting with online? All my film connections are here. None are there. I can make great films over here with a team who love doing this stuff, and know what there doing. When there, i have to create a team, and train them to do what needs to be done. And hope they love doing it, as well as get good enough to do it and get paid- otherwise its a waste of a degree.
I have been torn on it forever, but I still will go back and give it a try. Re connect with some roots. Maybe the "pre-collected" team I have organized will be a great start, and learn quickly. Maybe I'll find a job at a studio I didn't realize was there.
Once, as a teen, I looked at myself in the mirror and spoke to my reflection.
What I said was: "I hate you."
After the 3rd time... I broke into tears.
To this day, I can't look at my self for very long in a "natural" way.
Like casually walking by a mirror and seeing myself, I don't look for longer than a minute or two. But when posing for pictures in my web cam... It isn't "me" so I'm okay with it.-
Actually, let me explain it like this-
I have two mindsets, and two names that goes along with them.
My middle name is Micah, the guy that everyone knows when they meet at work, or at the grocery checkout line, or even at the gas pump.
Joseph... Is a side few people have seen. I have come close to losing it, and letting him out, which I am afraid of doing... This side represents almost (yes, ALMOST) all my frustration, anger, insecurities... I hate to speak the name, I hate hearing it. Because this "Joseph" is the only person I could ever hate and fear at the same time. My heart sinks to my stomache, and my head feels lighter, and i go into a cold sweat, and vision blurs.
I used to see a shrink for depression, but maybe that was the wrong thing to be seeing him for. It could be my imagination because i never actually remember going "Joseph" only a few times I felt him trying to escape, but he never did because I still fear him. I have been able to keep him in check for 27 years, but who's to say he hasn't been getting stronger, and I am getting weaker- With the stress, and stupid people I deal with (not all of them) My biggest question would be "how much longer can I keep him locked up?"
Maybe I need professional help. Maybe my imagination is still intact. Maybe I want to think its my imagination to fool myself into thinking its fake, when it isn't.
How do i know anything is real?
How do i know I'm not dreaming in my padded room and straight jacket??
Or...
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Quick thought on Ladies.
Thought of this during a class with absolutly nothing to do with it:
When (most) women say they are looking for a good man, typicaly, this is what i think happens in that thought process could be like this...
As a child, our love maps are imprinted into our minds- which if im understanding correctly, A man falls in love with a woman like his mother or mother-like figure, and women fall in love with men like their father or father-like figure. In some instances, it could be a sibling as well. An example, I notice similarities between my wife's brother and myself. Similar, not exact.
He and I use the same shower gel, or body spray, have difficulty combing a cowlick-
These things in a way make her more comfortable, because shes used to the smells of the body spray and showergel, and growling in the mirror because that little bit of hair wont stay down no matter what you do to it.
I noticed that my wife have similar qualities of my mother, and my step-mother.
I didnt notice this stuff right away, but i did, and found it odd that it was attractive.
I think it was Freud who made that connection first.
So in a sense, when a woman tells you she wants a quality man, shes loooking for a guy who has similar traits to her "love map" relationship. If her dad stuck around, shes expecting a man to do just that. If her brother cooked dinner on sunday night, she might like that.
Women are complex.
When you dont know what they are looking for.
When (most) women say they are looking for a good man, typicaly, this is what i think happens in that thought process could be like this...
As a child, our love maps are imprinted into our minds- which if im understanding correctly, A man falls in love with a woman like his mother or mother-like figure, and women fall in love with men like their father or father-like figure. In some instances, it could be a sibling as well. An example, I notice similarities between my wife's brother and myself. Similar, not exact.
He and I use the same shower gel, or body spray, have difficulty combing a cowlick-
These things in a way make her more comfortable, because shes used to the smells of the body spray and showergel, and growling in the mirror because that little bit of hair wont stay down no matter what you do to it.
I noticed that my wife have similar qualities of my mother, and my step-mother.
I didnt notice this stuff right away, but i did, and found it odd that it was attractive.
I think it was Freud who made that connection first.
So in a sense, when a woman tells you she wants a quality man, shes loooking for a guy who has similar traits to her "love map" relationship. If her dad stuck around, shes expecting a man to do just that. If her brother cooked dinner on sunday night, she might like that.
Women are complex.
When you dont know what they are looking for.
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