Little Dreams... Crushed.

Tonight, I stopped in my tracks and looked to the stars. With the city lights, I didn't see many, which saddens me a bit. As a kid, I loved watching the stars flicker, and try to find constellations. I also liked to think of each star to have their own sentient species, and even some of these stars may actually be a distant space ship of one of those planets. I dreamed of going into space, and finding aliens, and befriending them.
Those were some very happy times- Imagination is unlimited when you are a child, but as you grow up, reality slaps you in the face all day every day. Work at a job to pay for the place you only sleep in, and might eat at twice a week. Work your ass off for almost no satisfaction... Reality is i pissy bitch on her monthly cycle. I would really love to give reality the finger and let that do the talking, because I fuckin' hate reality. I, among everyone else on this planet, would LOOOOOVE to live on my own little world, filled with the people I don't mind hanging around. I'm a bit of an awkward person, and i don't need to be reminded of that every ten seconds. I sometimes feel like I am a different species, that i don't belong here at all. I'm on a planet that feels like home, but isn't. I see myself in pictures and videos, and my initial reaction is about my appearance and posture. I look like a dork from dorkville. Not quite the mayor of Dorkville, but maybe a politician of some sort.
 I have no sense of style when it comes to behavior with my peers, or cloths, hair, home decor- None.

Still waiting for a point huh?
Well, my view has changed sense i was a kid, just as anyone elses.
Where I used to see potential aliens, I now see balls of gas billions of miles away.
The stars now have come to resemble the beautiful dreams I had then, that never came true. That never will. Everyone says to reach for the stars, and i think they are full of it.
I used to find that phrase to lift my spirits, because those stars resembled my dreams, the infinity of possibilities! When I became an adult, It still lifted me, but not near as much- the older i got the dimmer the stars became, as if they were pulling away. Now, I hear the words, and I scoff. I look at the stars, or whats left of them, and instead of all the awesomeness, and magic, and beautiful dreams they used to be, I see my broken dreams, the memories of what used to be, and never will be again. These stars are seen by so many, and have BEEN seen by so many.
In a way, as the first humans walked the dirt, and saw the stars, they were magic. Beautiful. Blissful ignorance. As we evolved and populated, our ideas, and dreams were plucked from the sky, like berries off the bush. Our population grew larger, but our stars became dimmer, and with the stars dim, we did to.
With seeing myself then, and seeing myself now, I might be a bit disappointed.
I disappointed my parents all the time, and weather or not they admit it is on them. I know I upset my dad by moving to Arizona. Before the move he was trying to get me to stay, and one of the guilt trips involved my son not knowing him.
Fair argument, I must say. And as of the past 4 years, no visits from him, and 2 phone calls- one of which was to let me know my grandfather passed away.
My mother has been here 3 times. Mother in law 3 times. Father in law, 2 times. My father... 0.
Not my fault.
When we get back to TX, I will explain it like this:
"If you want to 'know' your grandsons, come over and get to know them."

While being here in AZ, and being shit on every hour of every day, I'm sick of being shit on. I'm not a public toilet for everyone's deuces. I'm not taking peoples bullshit anymore. I have gotten to be an angry, pissed of person that i hate. When I find some GD happiness, ill be damned if I'm going to let someone rip that off my chest. I just might lose my mind with one to many snooty comments from someones mouth, and may go against my "no violence" policy.
How bout i rip your voice box out and shove it in your ass? Now everyone knows your talkin' shit.

The further I look into the future now, I see very little in TX. Family is all I have... And some of the family... I never really saw any way. I communicate with my family more on Fb than in person. Why do i need to be closer to someone I'm chatting with online? All my film connections are here. None are there. I can make great films over here with a team who love doing this stuff, and know what there doing. When there, i have to create a team, and train them to do what needs to be done. And hope they love doing it, as well as get good enough to do it and get paid- otherwise its a waste of a degree.
I have been torn on it forever, but I still will go back and give it a try. Re connect with some roots. Maybe the "pre-collected" team I have organized will be a great start, and learn quickly. Maybe I'll find a job at a studio I didn't realize was there.

Once, as a teen, I looked at myself in the mirror and spoke to my reflection.
What I said was: "I hate you."
After the 3rd time... I broke into tears.
To this day, I can't look at my self for very long in a "natural" way.
Like casually walking by a mirror and seeing myself, I don't look for longer than a minute or two. But when posing for pictures in my web cam... It isn't "me" so I'm okay with it.-

Actually, let me explain it like this-
I have two mindsets, and two names that goes along with them.
My middle name is Micah, the guy that everyone knows when they meet at work, or at the grocery checkout line, or even at the gas pump.
Joseph... Is a side few people have seen. I have come close to losing it, and letting him out, which I am afraid of doing... This side represents almost (yes, ALMOST) all my frustration, anger, insecurities... I hate to speak the name, I hate hearing it. Because this "Joseph" is the only person I could ever hate and fear at the same time. My heart sinks to my stomache, and my head feels lighter, and i go into a cold sweat, and vision blurs.
I used to see a shrink for depression, but maybe that was the wrong thing to be seeing him for. It could be my imagination because i never actually remember going "Joseph" only a few times I felt him trying to escape, but he never did because I still fear him. I have been able to keep him in check for 27 years, but who's to say he hasn't been getting stronger, and I am getting weaker- With the stress, and stupid people I deal with (not all of them) My biggest question would be "how much longer can I keep him locked up?"

Maybe I need professional help. Maybe my imagination is still intact. Maybe I want to think its my imagination to fool myself into thinking its fake, when it isn't.
How do i know anything is real?
How do i know I'm not dreaming in my padded room and straight jacket??
Or...