7-14-14
I know im still learning about being a dad, but there are
times where I think I may not be cut out for it. As I was younger, I never even
really thought about having kids. As I got older and as it seemed I were meant
to be single for the rest of my life, I told myself I didn’t really want kids
anyway, I’d never be ready for them. To much responsibility, kiss the good ‘ol
days good bye, there goes the fun parties, and new games, and hello to diapers
and late night feedings- home work and daycare… Then I met Stacie and we had
two.
When she was pregnant, like many first time dads, I was
scared shitliss. I had no idea what to do about babies. Formula was a mystery
to me, as was diaper changes and what size onsie or diapers to get. When the
day came, and my first was born…
It became reality. This little baby boy, I helped create, is
half of me, and half of Stacie. He may scream in my face right now, but he will
one day say “I love you daddy”. I
thought my fun days were over. They only got put aside. And there is a whole
different kind of fun with my boy. It starts with silly faces, goes to
peek-a-boo, then playing toys, games, tv… then he wants to color his own
coloring page like a big boy. He looks to me as if I have all the answers,
wanting to know what everything is, what its for, how it works, and
why. As much as I love him, and he loves me, he is his own person with his own
interests and tastes. I cannot change him if I tried. All I can do is make sure
to nurture him with his interests, and support him. Help him up when he falls
,and brush him off to try again. I have to make sure he grows up with good
morals, and a conscience that he will listen to. A respectful, well-rounded
young man who treats women like a respectful lady instead of an object.
I do not like to dicipline my boys, but when something they
do is wrong, it needs to be corrected. Like I said before, without dicipline, a
person has no consiquence to fear. That person will do anything they want.
Landing them in jail in the future. BUT, The forbidden is the most
attractive… Like under age teens
drinking. The law prohibits it… They want to do it. When they turn 21, its not
as much fun, and a lot of them stop. It was the thrill of getting caught “being
bad”
I dicipline now so the state wont have to later. Giving my
kids a good foothold in the world- respectful, well-behaved, intelligent, and
creative.
I looked over at my “Last Man” poster, with me and Kai
walking down a long desert road when he was about 2 ½ with Coco Bear.
It got me wondering about how I’m doing with them. If I ask
them “am I a good daddy?” they would say yes. If I were to ask anyone who knows
me, family, friends… All would say the same. Yes. But how do I REALLY know? I
fear I wont know until hes MUCH older. Like when/if he becomes a father
himself…
I feel with Kai, I’m missing something because of the
attention Link needs. And vice versa. Spending time with one means missing
something with the other, and I never want to choose one or the other, but if I
talk to link, kai darts for attention- which is interrupting, and
disrespectful. Now, I have to put him in time out, or have him write lines. Now
im upset. To upset to pay with either of them atm. Then link digs in something
when im talking to kai, and the same thing happens again. At a point, I think
“why bother. They are gonna fight over attention anyway, might as well not give
them any.”
Sometimes im to laid back, and they get away with too much,
so then I gotta go Mr. Hyde and be an asshole, and start popp’n bottoms with
Mr. No. I hate to do that. But they need to learn that some things are not
acceptable. If I do not set limits now, when do I set them? When they are
telling me to go fuck myself at 16? I didn’t dare say that to my dad. Or my
mother. They set those bounderies quick, and they stuck with it. I was spanked
as a child, popped in the mouth, mouth washed out with soap, kneel in the
corner and grounded. And I can say I have only been to jail once, and it was a
field trip when I was in school, as a “scare kids out of drugs” thing. Never
had a bad run-in with the law with the exeption of a few fender-benders, and
anyone I came into contact with responded positively with my respectful
attitude.
Obviously… Something was right about my raising…
Some times I think they want me to go to a mental home. Link
knows how to push my buttons, and then try the cute “Im to cute to be in
trouble” look. As long as I look him in the eye and not smile long enough he
will stop grinning and take me seriously. I could swear up and down people think im mean to link. I
have to be stricter with him because he is so wild. He doesn’t like to listen.
He must think I was born yesterday, deaf, dumb and blind. It doesn’t happen ALL
THE TIME, but when he gets tired, that’s when his hands are the busiest with
digging and breaking things, and his ears stop working.
Linkon the destroyer, and Monster is what I have been
calling him. Something I said to link and kai was “if you break something, a
new one will be coming out of your piggy banks.” I swear I heard someone laugh
both times I said it. That was not a joke. It wasn’t meant to be funny. If my
boy breaks something beyond repair, it WILL come out of his piggy bank. Even
the Destroyer. At the rate hes going he will be in more debt with me by age 16
than he will be with student loans after college. Responsibility people. That’s
how I roll.
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