9th Birthday Haunts again

Got to the point of thinking of my child-hood birthday again.

The birthday I have mentioned before and most likely will mention again.

The day a good friend of mine drowned and never saw again.

I replayed the incident in my mind several times tonight, and though I know full well it weren’t my fault, I still feel guilty. The words exchanged- the expressions made- so many things I remember. Rockos modern life, spagettii, swimming…

I remember looking at the picture I had of him, and crying because we couldn’t hang out anymore. I feel guilty for not acknowledging the signs, not saying anything, not helping… the more I think about it the worse I feel. But if I stop thinking about it, I fell guilty for forcing myself to stop. It’s a lose lose situation for me. I didn’t go to the funeral because I was a scared little boy. Last thing I wanted to see was my friend in a casket. Didn’t want to say good bye, because I didn’t want to believe he wasn’t going to be at school next year. I didn’t want to think of not being able to call him next week about something cool on tv I wanted to share… It was final. Too final. Just as it would be for anyone at a funeral. The thought of never being able to talk to them again is over saddening.

I have come accustomed to death in a sense. I cant seem to let go of peoples deaths when I see them at the viewing, but when I do not see them, I cannot believe they are gone. There was no good bye, so to me, they are still alive somewhere. My great grandparents, I didn’t know very well, and I barely remember it, but I know they are gone because I saw one or two of them. (that I don’t remember) Lumon, I dwell on often. Few understand how I feel on it, and the more I try to explain it, the less they understand. Im sensitive, and feel guilty for things most would find obsurd. I remember Justin, It is still hard to believe he is gone. I saw things fall apart further after he left. It was tragic, as any loss of a child is. I could only imagine that feeling, when I had… It is difficult to stop crying… I am so sorry for your loss.

My grand parents… I attended Mom’s dads, Dad’s Mom’s… And I had dreams of both of them- Not bad, more like a dream of them as if they never left. I did not get to go to dad’s dad’s… and yet I still had a dream of him after he passed. With my mom’s brother… I didn’t go to his, and I have not had a dream of him.

A conclusion I can draw from the most recent passings… Those who I have dreamed of, I miss, but feel as though they never left, because in a sense, they haven’t. They are still with me, and kind of worked as a physical good-bye, but a spiritual “im still with you”

I think I just worked my self out of a depressing  mood.

I seem to recall having a dream of Lumon- it wasn’t pleasant though. It was the incident, but as if I had gone with him. (3^rd person perspective I think) So I suppose that’s why I feel his death haunts me in a way.

Im thinking I should go to his site again (last time was 18 or 19) and talk to him. Last time I was there, I was more or less reciting a script with a marine recruiter as my director. Telling him I was going into the marines to live for the both of us… (my sense of thinking after I said that was “I cant live for both of us if I go kill people and possibly get killed myself” I don’t think there is a justified death in war. Its political.

Maybe if I were to talk to him off script and talk to him like I should have almost 20 years ago… Maybe he would appreciate it. Maybe the guilt will lessen. But maybe not, if if were to be seen as for personal gain. (this is another example of guilt and sensitivity)

Always worried about disappointing someone, hurting feelings… A brief wish to read your thoughts, and know what you truly think, how I make you feel…  Always been one to try to make everyone else happy at the cost of my own.

As AZ living got to me I pretty much came to the conclusion of “Don’t’ like me? Fuck off.” I am me. You cant change me, so stop trying to force me into your pocket to be your little minion, it wont happen anymore.

Half the time I don’t want to be around anyone. Just want to be alone with my thughts for a while.

I find creativity and my writing gets faster when im alone. Typically, with people around, my writing is about  300 words an hour. In 3 hours or so ill have a 1000 word document. When im alone and un interrupted, I managed to crank out 900 in one hour. The boys keep asking for things, needs a diaper, a drink, snack, digging in things, tell them to do something and give me the blank look. (the testing stage) until I get up… A one hour job takes 3 or 4 because of it. I love my boys but I break is needed from them to prevent insanity. I (un intentionally) told kai that his brother will be the cause of me going to the crazy house in a straight jacket, padded room chewing on shoe laces… It’s probably true. Im going to need to take some time to be solo and become one with myself again.