Wtf happened to this World?

I swear. I don't know what the hell happened to this world...
I don't know if i want to go to a theatre with my family because of this shootout bs. People have lost their damn minds!!! The people are going to be scared, for the rest of their lives, and their families as well. it is almost certain they and many others will never set foot into any theatre again, because some jerk decided to shoot up the place.

Aside from that, and seems petty compared to that, but how people are continuously after money- i hate money. Despise is even a light word for it. People are to greedy. More, more, more more. Fat cats sit on their buts all day picking their noses, while i and my fellow working men bust our asses 40+ hrs a week to pay our bills and rarely see a dollar to ourselves. Brings me to a big question: What IS money? Paper. Metal. To specify a number of worth to us all and the items we want/need. Way back when, we traded. A bushel of corn for a bushel of wheat. Trade for a trade, chore for a meal, etc. Then it got complicated when someone decided to make useless paper and metal into something that would "create" power over others, and divide our society into classes. Just one more reason to inspire hatred towards our fellow man, envy, greed, and violence. Everyone has their price. Its sad to say, people kill for that paper with a number. Money drives our world, it controls us all. Money is control, and the ones with all the money have all the control of our government anyway. When will it be learned- money is nothing but something for those greedy pigs to hide behind, and a piece of leverage to have dangled over our heads. What i find even more saddening, is our president's faces are on it. I know damn good and well those faces were not smiling for a good reason: They new it was going to happen. They new it was going to be a matter of time before the fat, and lazy bastards got all the control over the country, and take the money from the starving workers and give it to the people who don't even try.
I will never understand- this country was founded on God. Help our fellow man- not bend him over a barrel, rape him, take his wallet and clothes, and beat him within an inch of his life, then put him back to work...
     This is a thought: Greed is a sin, gluttony is a sin, killing is a sin, laziness is a sin, and lying is a sin... Our government officials do all of the above...

Even more petty-
(disregarding the above statement)
how in the hell can you work a cash register, and the only thing you say to a paying customer is "have a nice day." ? no "Hi, how are you? You find everything you needed?" Yeah, i almost would rather him shoot me the eyeball, and cuss at me. No, better yet, id rather the guy give me the finger as i approached. At least i would have been prepared to be treated like an UNvalued customer. Wake up pal, I'm working for the money I just spent at your place of business. Without people like me, you get no check, pal. Remember that while your eating your Ramen noodles and "wish" sandwich tonight. With that, the fool rings up an item twice. Maybe on purpose, maybe accident. Don't know don't care. I confront the guy. "You're going to have to take it up with customer service. They are open. Right there..." And points to it. As if i couldn't read the big f'n sign that says: "CUSTOMER SERVICE"... At least the CS lady was nice and apologized for it as she refunded my $10.86. Should have told the manager on duty about the demotion for the dude and the raise for the lady. You don't treat people that way, especially a paying customer. I dont give a crap what is going on in your life- leave it at the door at your place of business.

Noticed Something-

     It has been suggested to to 3-4 hours of homework per hour of class. If I have 4 classes, totaling 6 hours in one day, by the statement above, i am supposed to be doing at LEAST 18 hours of home work in one day. Counting the 6 hrs of class and the 18 of supposed homework, that is 24 hours of school-studytime a day.
Then they have the nerve to ask why Im falling asleep in class? Because I don't use cocaine, THATS WHY.
Why have you missed your class?
Because I am not a machine.
I am not just some student that ensures your paycheck. I am a hard working husband and father of two. I work 30+ hrs on my weekends to keep them housed. My stomach growls all the time, because I rarely eat, and my stomach has a high acid level, which eats the lining of my stomach when i don't eat. I fall asleep at the wheel on my way to work because i slept one hour the night before, and one the night before that. I am lucky to get my homework done and bills paid, much less getting to school and work alive.
And all you have to say is "I'm Sorry"?

Rated PG 13+?

Some people do not consider others.
So, you go to a fast food place, and get something small, a jr. burger. (takes less than 30 seconds to make and send out, getting it to you in a minute or so) But it takes about 6-7 minutes to get it, because some jackass made a $50 order in drive through just before you did. That may be considerate to the ppl in the car, to the business, but that poor guy wanted one little thing, and now, he has to wait 6x longer, because of your massive order and lack of consideration for those "little" orders.

I enjoy cooking, but only for certain people. People i know, and care about. Every one of them I remember what they like, hate and any allergies. I always ask those questions after they say "Surprise me" about their food. I always crave feedback too. I like to hear "its good" or "its bomb" or whatever means it is really good, and you most likely will order another one soon. But I need more than "It was really good" i want to know, was their something about it that could have made it better? Even just a little bit? I need to get those little ' could have used some ___' or ' didn't really care for the ____' to perfect the entree.

I care for my customers enough to take my time with it, and attempt to 'pre taste' it through smell. Some how, i know what it needs, and when. And it dosent get old. Every time i cook freely, it is a new taste, a new 'adventure'. It always changes, and thats one of the many reasons i love to cook, as much as i love to eat. Its always a surprise, and always a new challenge when a new person says they want to try something NOT on the menu. Even better when someone who knows my 'work' comes up and says "hes the go to guy for your food- his food is always awesome". It makes me proud to have the cooking gene in my DNA when I here that. One thing however i hate to see is wasting food. To many people go hungry every day, and it just gets thrown in the trash.

The world is a big place, but it dosent mean we can fill it with trash and expect someone else to clean it up. When you spit your gum out your car window, it sticks to somones tire, or a bird eats it and dies, or something. Im not a tree hugger, but jeez, every little bit counts. Every bag, can, and cigarette butt collects and makes our world a junk yard. Id rather walk on grass, or any nature than concrete over flowed with trash. We as humans are so wasteful. I know i am too, the hardest part is to change the way i have lived for the past 26 years to something polar opposite. I eat a lot, but i finish every bite. I may produce a lot of trash, but i throw it in the designated trash receptacles, not where ever is convenient where im standing.

 I am lazy, but i still throw my trash away, make my own food, and work hard to support my family. Many people are to lazy to pull out a skillet to make a grilled cheese sandwich, but they aren't lazy enough to drive to a fast food place and pay for someone else to make it for them... Then drive back home. Whats next? Am i going to have to go out to the customers cars and feed it to them myself? If it comes to that, I quit. (unless i get one hell of a pay raise)

Something else i do not understand is AZ parenting... So many people... I am surprised the parents made it to parenthood themselves. a lot of Kids here are loud, obnoxious, and lets face it, dumb asses. They get it from their parents. The ones who are supposed to teach their kids to use crosswalks, and look both ways before crossing the street, and not walk a dog with  5 kids following you like ducklings in the part of the parking lot where traffic is crazy. The saddest thing is, the parents, nor the kids looked either way for traffic. The dog did, and tried to run out of the way like a smart little taco bell dog. Nope, momma wasn't having intelligence in her house.... When you want to talk to someone in the parking lot, park in a space, then talk. don't park in the street to have a conversation while your kids are running around the car like little mindless planets. Your holding up traffic, dude. And the joker who thinks it would be awesome to honk his horn while a decent father is trying to get his kid out of the car seat, and scares the hell out of him and his kid, almost resulting in a drop. You sir, are the ultimatum of assholes. Trying to impress your little hoochie bootie call by trying to make a loving father drop his 3 year old son on the pavement? Oh yeah. So attractive. So damn funny. Almost as funny as your attempt to get into her pants by buying her a sandwich from the dollar menu. That sir, is funny. I am glad however, that people with an IQ higher that their age reproduce intelligent offspring that could run the city better than most local officials, at the age of five.

Not only that, but why are these mothers putting their little girls in clothes that are clearly for a midget prostitute? A girl, probably 6 or 7, in a short hot pink glittered skirt, a tube top as thin as a straw, and a bushy fur coat in summer time. She will hear this sentence by age 12- " Mom, im pregnant again, and don't know who the father is."- I swear. the outfit called out to pedos all over the streets.

If you love your kids, teach them what is socially acceptable, and how to survive in the world- don't assume they will figure it out. by the time they make the mistake you could have prevented, they may not get a chance to learn from it, and you will regret it for the rest of your life. Our kids are the future doctors, congressmen, judges, cops, tech help, and contractors. Don't let them be stupid asses. Teach them some common sense.

Speaking of socially acceptable behavior and dress code,  if you are wearing almost nothing, or showing off your boobs, legs, ass and or crotch, it is a given that you want people to look at 'what you got'. then you get pissed off when you notice someone staring at the trashy tramp stamp, and call them a pervert because they were wondering what the tattoo across your tits says. If you don't want people to stare at you, read your tattoos, or ask you how much for a sexual favor, cover your body. You may think you are gods gift to men, but you aren't. If you are a whore, then by all means, feel free to hold up a sign with your prices on it, so then at least we know what you do for a living while you stare at various vegetables in the supermarket. Don't get pissed off that someone is looking at your girlfriend and drooling. Its a complement bro. if shes hot, you , know, she knows, and the many men glancing at her know it. Remember one thing- shes with you. Not that old fart trying to sneak a peek down her shirt. Unless she holding a cucumber while smiling. Then you have competition homie.

Everyday Heros

When the time comes to be courageous, would you still be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of loosing your life; leaving behind your loved ones to mourn you; in a split second to save a total stranger's life to prevent the sorrow for their families?

Our Police Officers, Paramedics, Firefighters, and Military as well as many others not in uniform have done this on several occasions. Most of us do not call these brave men and women what they really are.

Heros.

They are among us... Thank you for your services.

Screwed- Yet again.

Ok, im already upset about several things. Internet, getting screwed, (by the same person, over and over) , people blaming me for ridiculous BS, the list continues. The biggest thing now for me combines the first two: Net, and Screwed.

Last time i posted about this crap, i left the name out for their privacy. I am better than that person, so I will continue to be mature about it and leave the name out.

This person, opened an internet/cable bill in my wife's name, and promised they would pay the bill ($90 or so a month). Well, last angry post of this, was when i found out she was not going to pay it anymore- meaning that I have to pay the bill now, or our credit will be screwed, and have no internet (being college students, the net is important). You would think, "Ok, just cancel it and get a cheaper one, downgrade, or go without", But heres the thing. they waited until they didn't pay for 3 months, THEN told us they couldn't afford it. So now, I have to pay the internet overdue balance of $300, and even if i downgrade, its like 50 a month for "slower than snail" internet. I looked at other services- same price per month, for the same speed net. This person who did this to us, well, this isn't the first time this has happened. LAST time, it was involving a storage unit. WHich they felt they had the right to put their stuff in with ours, and no intention of ever telling us. The person who moved our stuff into the unit noticed all the junk in the room, and asked me about it. Nothing i recognized as my own, and when i confronted (the first person) about it, they claimed they gave all of that stuff to us, and then offered to pay for the unit (another $95 a month) sense their stuff was in it too. They stopped paying for BOTH of them, because they "couldn't afford it". I would have believed this, if i hadn't gotten word of them going on vacations, buying plane tickets, buying more stuff, blah blah blah, so i know its grade A bologna. I've been screwed over by this person on more occasions than that, but if i say any more about that, people would definatly put 2+2 together and know EXACTLY who I am talking about.

Granted

Over the weekend, i realized how much is taken for graanted. I saw a couple sitting on the pattio. The woman was dolled up, but still modest-looking; a pretty lady. The man she was with seemed to show little interest in her, which upset me a bit. She is a pretty lady, and would like your attention, but for whatever reason, your not giving it to her. This was before they got their order. Sitting opposite of eachother across the table, but facingto the building, and not eachother. every moment or so, she would look at him, but he didnt look back at her. They sat in, what seemed to be silence.

When i sat accross the table from my wife, i dont want to take my eyes off her. I see all the beauty within her, makeup, nice clothes or not. Burgers or caviar, i still love her and enjoy her personality.

Thinking about that, and realized that few stop to admire a flower. Or step out into the country to breathe fresh, clean air. Or look at the stars and listen to the crickets chirp, or the birds sing. Walk on the grass bare foot and feel the blades between your toes. Some small things that we take for granted may very well not be here tomorrow.

How You Say...

This was an essay i had to write in English Comp. II. The assignment was write freely about what you belive in, or something you live by. This is on both.

Growing up, my father was not really one to talk to me voulntarilly, but I could still go to him if I had something on my mind. All I had to do was go into the kitchen and ask. He spent a lot of time in the kitchen cooking, baking, chopping, and all that, but he was almost never to busy to chat. I could sit on the rickety barstool, and ask him about super powers, and he would awnser my questions thoughtfully, and thurogh.

One of those occasions, I was having an argument with someone, and was upset about it. I told my father about it, but he told me he was not going to get involved. I was upset and needed his help, so I continued to tell him about it. Maybe this was one of his bad days, or didn’t get much sleep last night, but he put his utinsel down in the pot, turned to me, and leaned against the counter. The look on his face almost scared me, as if he were about to tell me to get lost. Instead, he told me “Micah, 99% of all problems start from a simple misunderstanding,” I thought about it for a moment, and he was right. Then he said, “It’s not what you say to someone that is misunderstood, but how you say it.” Once again, he was right. I couldn’t help but to smile a little from what he just said. “Your tone says just as much as the words themselves.”, he finished. He then turned around to finish cooking. It was amazing to me, but all of what he told me was true. Tone says just as much the words themselves. Yelling to someone about something is only going make matters worse. People get angry, and irrational, then things can easily be misunderstood. These words of wisdom from my father, are applied everyday. Fellow students, friends, co-workers and so on. I never want to be misunderstood, so I choose my words and my tone carefully, then try to keep the peace. When someone obviously misunderstood, I stop myself, and say, “Wait a minute, that didn’t sound right. Ill rephrase it”. So many fights have been prevented by taking the tone down, thinking about what to say, and discussing the matter civilly. Even in my script writing, I apply this belief. Dialogue is by strongest point, for that very reason.

So, if I were ever to win an award for my dialogue editing, my father will most defiantly be in my thank you speech. With out that event, and my father being there to give me such words of wisdom, I would not be the same person that I am today. Id much rather watch my tone and words, than have to watch my back for people who misinterpreted something I said.

Home, Home on the range.

I wrote this for my english class. i know their are errors, but i wanted to share what i have here. The objective was to write an essay on a place ive been or where id like to go, so i figured id do both. My true home:

Bridge City, Texas

I used to live in a small town with my dad. This town had two main streets, Texas Ave, which ran straight down through the entire city, beginning to end, and there was Roundbunch, that ran right in the middle the other way, creating one major intersection. This small town is Bridge City, Texas.

Bridge City was supposedly named so, because you cant enter or exit without going over a bridge. The biggest, and signature bridges of Bridge City, are the Rainbow bridge, and Veterans bridge. Both run right by each other, parallel to the other, and tall enough for a ship to pass under. The rainbow bridge used to be a two way, two lane 75mph steep bridge with no shoulders. Now, its one way, still two lanes, but has small shoulders and still is 75mph, after the Veterans bridge was constructed. This bridge is much wider, 3-4 lanes with shoulders and bright yellow suspension cables on both sides. My father ran this bridge on its opening day, as did many others. I suppose it was tradition at the time.

The town itself has one post office and few restaurants. Some are family owned and run businesses, which means home style cooking, made with love and pride. Even fast food, believe it or not, was made to satisfy the hungry Texan, as well as his wallet. Only one grocery store, few gas stations, 2-3 churches, and one pharmacy. It could be referred to as a two horse town, from the size. Refineries stood on the outskirts, right before the big bridges. The smell was similar to burning oil, or something. It may not sound pleasant, but the smell of those refineries and burning marshes smell like home to me as fresh cut grass on a summer morning, or pine needles on Christmas. The air around you is a humid, but the sweat prevents you from burning into bacon. Though it would still be a good idea to wear sun screen if you intend to go outside with out a shirt.

The feel of Bridge City is so amazing. Even at the local Walmart, customers will smile and say hello, weather they know you or not. With the town being so small, you can assure he already knows you through someone else. So don’t be scared when an odd gentleman with three teeth smiles at you and asks how your day is going. That is just how friendly our town folk are. Everyone, especially in every business, does their best to make you feel comfortable, and at home. The school district has been improved over the years, and now is one of the best schools with the highest education in the district.
The tap water may be foggy, and has been jokingly rumored to make you glow in the dark, and may smell like fish, marshes and refineries, but its our funny water, our strange smells, and our overly friendly folk. Bridge City is our town, with arms wide open to travelers, and making you feel at home, even if you live next door.

Last Dependency

I am tired of being dependent on people... But unfortunately I don't have much of a choice. I am barely able to get by WITH their help, and now, for whatever reason, they are no longer going to help us out- making it VERY VERY difficult, even more difficult to get by! You think your the only one with financial problems? Im pinching every penny i can, taping and stitching things back together just so they can last a little longer. Im barely able to keep Gas in the car anymore, damnit. I know what my problem is. YOU are my problem. And despite all the crap you put me AND my family through, i still have enough respect for you to not say your name, nor give any clues that could give the identity of this person away. All we need is your help, and now you spit in our face and tell us to deal with it. YOUR problem is that you can't budget your bank account for jack squat. you know you have a family who works their asses off in school, raising a child with one on the way, and a works 30 hours every weekEND- barely bringing in 600 a month when rent alone is 700. But you don't care. You spend it like you have all the money in the world. You have spent years trying to BUY affection, and your youth, but you will never have either of them back, all because of the way you treated my family, including my wife. I really hope your reading this closely and understanding it, because i know how good you are at blowing things out of proportion. I work my ass off. And so far, the only thing i was able to get with our income taxes guilt-free, was a package of new socks. Why you ask? I have been unable to afford new ones for the past 3 years, and have worn them through... I do all i can to make ends meet for my family, maybe you should do the same for us.

I have strongly considered erasing you from my sons life- entirely. But instead ive decided, that ill let him erase you himself. When you let him down, again, and again, and again, he will never belive a word you say. All the promises in the world- he will expect to be let down, and that last time you break your promise, you will hear "Im not surprised you broke your promise. You always do." And it will make you feel like shit. I hope then you will understand what you have been doing to those around you. There is nothing more that i want than my son to hold you in a special place in his heart, but at this rate, itll be in the darkest place in his heart.

Dont start whining or try to throw a pitty party, because we have become immune. Its not our fault what happened, its your own damn fault. Deal with it.

If you dont want to help us because you dont care about us, just say so. Youll never have to speak to us, or help us again.

Im sick of you letting us down. I'm the kind of person who is more honest than most, but in a nice, "sugar-coated" way. I do NOT make promises unless I intend to keep them. I hate letting people down, as much as i hate depending on them.

You let my family down for the LAST TIME.

The next time you speak to us,

Choose your words AND your tone... Very, VERY carefully...

Because More depends on it than you think...

Update / To Az

So things start looking up, wich i find to be fantastic, and couldnt have happened at a better time. INcome tax, paycheck, my new desk and chair, and new socks i so desperatly needed.

Id like to give a shout to my cousin, Aslan-

*waves franticly* HI ASLAAAAN!! Read your blog comments!!

Ok, now back to the post!

Within the next few weeks, "The little group with no name" with the help of a few others, will hopefully be shooting a short that i wrote a while back. The biggest reason i am so excited about this shoot is because it is the first script that i wrote that is being shot. A lot of my other ideas were to costly, or just plain dumb, or a spin off something else with my own stupid twist on it.

This one is a continuation of a short that Ruben wrote, "Roadrunner". It went well, with a few minor hiccups, but nothing drastic. It inspired me, but caused several sleepless nights of running, hunting, gunfire, horses, ACME, and rockets, (even though most of those are not in it) it was almost like i was dreaming the first episode, and more episodes to come. It inspired me to write a sequel to the first. Ruben was impressed with my work, but wanted to break from it for a bit. That stopped the dreams. Then not that long ago it was brought up, and was put into pre production. The only thing holding it back was location, but now we have one to scout, and then, the shooting day will be set if the location serves our needs of the script.

I only wish Aslan were here to. He would hve oppertunities to work with us and several other film makers here. I was invited to one production company a while back, that i am a part of now, and introduced myself to a future production company owner. This seems so promising, im a social outcast- exept with my "kind" so to speak. I love the love of making movies. Not the fact im making 50 at once. I love the ideas i get, and write down, and using by basic acting skills. (i know im not great, but i feel im okay, i could work on it and get better- in time)

Aslan is the only other person in my family who thinks similar to me, and has the same passion as i do. We made "scary" movies when we were younger with my vhs-c cam corder, and showed them to our parents and friends. He is so far away, and id like to work with him on everything, and make practice shorts and even real shorts, and eventually full length features.

I miss u cuz, i look forward to working with you in the future!

Super NOT Happy-

Two bloggs in one day?

Yeah, im that upset- in fact im so mad, id like to NOT hold back this time! but sience i have been blessed yet also cursed with such an unforgiving concince, i feel i must hold back to prevent any bloodshed.

I cant seem to understand how people claim to be a good listener, but interupt you to tell you that. Then not give a damn about what you say, like what you say dosent mean jack squat! And tries to size it up like they have it worse that you do- bull fn shit. I got my shit, you got yours. You want me to be okay your issues, but you dont want to even acknowledge i have any problems.

Bullshit.

I thought this "thing" was gonna be cool, fun, and get my name out there, but nothing has been done. Im a GD work horse, giving it my best for nothing "thats how it goes in the real world" ? In the real world, im getting paid, pal. And now im going to be doing that. Maybe i should leave these groups im in and do my own thing. I keep telling people i wanna do my own thing... WTF?! Am i invisible or something?!

I want to do my own thing. Iwant to have fun with my work. I do this for fun, and now its gone. Im going to be selfish, greedy, and most likely an inconsiderate prick to people who have been using me for my generosity and kindness. If you cant respect me when im giving you my time, my effort and creativity just to make your script better. You hound me, keep throwing it back into my face and tell me to make changes (you or several others do that) if im lucky, or you take forever to look it over again, and expect me to make more changes while im busy with something else or the nigh before the shoot or some shit. and all i get is credit. I cant pay bills with credit. If you cant respect THAT...

Screw You.

'Till you intend to pay me for your script edits, you can Kiss the mole on my hairy ASS.

I'm Done.

As of today i have considered something:

work on my own shit and no one else's but mine. unless i really believe in it and like it. Other than that, i want to tell them honestly, "i do not like this script, and the only way i will work on it is if you pay me." Id probably start off with $5 a page, even though i think my work is worth so much more than that. i bust my ass for nothing, and I'm sick of wasting my time on garbage scripts. Some i will say are actually not bad. But most of them need a full re-write, or belong in the paper shredder.

While i work on someone else's script, i need full creative control. Of course, its ultimately their decision of what goes and stays, but i have proven myself through, what i refer now as "Hard Edit" rather than "putting notes" and waiting forever for a response, then i get tired of waiting and move on to another script. THEN i get a message that the first one needs to be revised again, tonight, and the other is due the same time. Then i have a late night, and have to be at work at 6 am when i stayed up until 3, working on your script(s), and have nothing to show for it....

As a script editor, dialogue editor, i need 100% control of that script. I'll do my hard edit of your rough draft, then get back to me with what needs to be changed... Again. This is the process i used with my best work yet, "Dannie".

Originally written, produced, directed, filmed, and edited by Ruben.

Many many MANY revisions went into the characters personalities alone- and did a damn good job, I've been told. Also been told it was a bit repetitive, but that was not my final choice to make. Another one i edited was called "War Zone" which is not online anymore as far as i know, because the second half (little dialogue) was hard to follow and slowed it all down.

I know i am a good writer, i know I'm not the best one ever either. I wrote 2 scripts and GAVE them to someone just so they could be made (at some point), as long as i can direct them. as of now, it doesn't look like that will happen soon.

I am bored with playing the waiting game. I want to write my own work, shoot it, and love it after its done. Thats all.

As of now i have 5 scripts of my own, that i have been WANTING to finish, and make. One of them is from 2009- thats how long this has been going on...

I think I'm close to being done with this "free script editing / supervising" shit. From now on people, it will cost you.

If your offended by this, tell me. Ill give you my terms and prices.

-MYKOSIS-

The Camel's Back

The best comparison to myself right now is a camel.

so much on my back, and the weight wont seem to get any lighter. It feels like i cant rest enough, sleep enough, or eat enough. When i finnaly get one project done, another takes its place. Working my but off on the weekends hardly seems worth it anymore. Working on scripts and movies for free seems even less worth my time. I mean, im spending time away from my family for YOUR script, making it just right, and I'm only getting credit. Cash keeps a roof over my head. Not a "good job, buddy!" or a " Thanks!" Im getting to the point where the only scripts I'll doo for free will be a select few, and myself. Ill sell my scripts i like, and keep the ones I love and want to do myself. With the yearly family dvd... im not sure if im enjoying it like i used to. It may be the program, im afraid of it. Its professional, and my editing rarely is professional. Maybe i should stick to what I know, and write, and make goofy, silly shorts of my boy, and put that on dvd. Or just not format it like a movie? Maybe im trying to impress the wrong crowd...

I love my family, but their is little motivation to do this anymore. I'd really hate to be the asshole that charges his family for a dvd of his kid. Thats not me. But it would motivate me to do it and get it done. I simply am to exausted to continue this movie right now. Its not done, but needs to. When it is done, maybe ill feel better about it all and continue.

As of now. No more projects. Finish what i have, then ill consider doing another.

Untill then, dont ask me to "look it over", "make notes" or to "tell you what i think" unless you intend to pony up the dough. It'll all depend on how long it is, afterall its gotta be worth my time right now, because i simply don't have the time and energy to do it for free... For now.

One more straw could break this camel's back.

Hovel

I am starting to wonder if i bite off more than i can chew in everything, just so i can rediscover my limitations. So many projects, and none getting me paid. So much work being done, and time away in my own little world of bad music and a keyboard and laptop screen. It rarely gets old, but when it does, i just BS on FB for hours and don't make any progress. Or, i allow the tv to distract me, so i end up laughing at a joke on it.

I need my little hovel,

a place i can disappear from existence, and sit in a distraction free environment with power and a place to sit that doesn't hurt my ass or my sides. A place designed (within reason) for me to keep all my editing and filming stuff.

This place, soon will be made from my walk-in closet. Yes. My hovel will be in the closet, and i will spend a lot of work time in the closet. (in the closet, get it? XD) With a small desk, chair, and power chord running into it. So i can sit down, plug in, fire up my drive, shut the door and get down to work, with out the distractions of TV, food, or family. I love all 3, but they are distracting! Gotta put them aside just long enough to attempt to secure a better future for them.

My biggest concern about my choice of career is my family. Will i know my kids, and vice versa? Or will i end up being the dad who is divorced and two kids, and paying thousands for child support for the kids i cant see because i am gone all the time on business?

I want to find that balance, where i can have both, a job i love, and my sweet little family too.

finding the balance is a job in itself.

Selfish, not greedy.

For years i have been busting my but in fast food, and nothing to show for it. Income tax is the only time i can worry less and can be a little relaxed. I was looking forward to being a little selfish this year, because of all i do for my family, and ask for nothing in return. The wife had the idea of me taking a part of the income, and spend it on my self on whatever i want. I was looking forward to this, untill i saw how much we were getting, and then started to deduct bills in my head. That nice number dropped fast to a small chunk. I was wanting to be a little selfish, because i feel i earned that and more. But when it comes to getting things for our new family member, and how much it costs, my heart sinks to the floor. I want to treat myself to a few things, and be a little selfish with my money, but i dont want to be greedy.

I feel i deserve more than im getting in some areas. Like my job, i can only work 3 days, and i still dont make enough to cover rent, much less gas to get there and to class.

The last thing i bought for myself was body wash. the time before that was shoes i needed for work. I think i should be allowed to be a little selfish for once. Not greedy, just selfish. And even with me being selfish, i still take into consideration of my wife and child, and what they would want. I have a list of things that i need, and things i want. First thing im getting, is socks. All mine i have now have holes in them.

Wicked Headache

Today has been a cocktail of emotions and stress, but all in all it got better when i got home.

I worked a 9 hour shift because another co-worker called in. I'm not complaining about that, but actually the headache that hit me around 730 is more complaint worthy-

This headache was something that i have not felt, ever. I belive. Elevating my head up and down made my brain feel like it was a little toy boat floating in a sink filled with water, knocking the sides with every movement. Migraine is what i had assumed it was, but when i was able to start my drive home, i sat down, and felt even more dizzy, but after 5-10 minutes i felt well enough to drive.

This is what was weird about all of it-

While driving, no music was pleasing to me so i drove in complete silence. While doing this, my mind kept moving. By moving i mean thinking about things that i never think of. I was seeing mathematical formulas in my mind, and some solving themselves. Money things, stocks, investments, scientific formulas writing themselves, and other things that cant even be put into words- It was just 25 minutes of a mind-jumble. Every thing that i know, and some things i didnt realize i did know, flashed in my mind to where i could see them. almost like a review of some sort.

My biggest questions are: What was my mind doing? Was the pain that intense that it felt it necessary to "back up the drive" just incase of a melt down? Did i gain knowledge, through the pain? Was that its purpose? How is it that i know what i know without learning it? Through Migraines? What if these intense pains are causing my mind to pick up on other peoples brain waves and learn subconsciously what they are thinking about or know already? What if every migraine is like that? When we get them, we lock ourselves away, limiting contact to minimum, picking up little brain patterns. What if that is true? learning through others brain waves? Like edward Nigma's "box" in batman forever? Then again, it could just be nothiing. With my luck, thats exactly what it was. nothing.

Any way, my family made me feel welcome home, with some supper and hugs, kisses and smiles. 4 Advil, 2 chicken nuggets, a damp cloth and 2 hour nap knocked out the ache, and now, i cant shut up or go back to bed. :)

I love my little family, and its only getting bigger and beter. With out them, i would have no purpose, like the hero with no villain, or vice versa.

Carrying Cases.

This is stupid.

Kits. On tv we are offerde things called kits. In my mind, a kit has everything you need to do something. Like a first aid kit. Aneseptic, band aids, splints, etc. All in a little box with a handle to carry it around in. What those people who give you a "carrying case" with an item, they must be assuming that that item is the ONLY thing im going to be carrying... So i can carry my first aid kit, and my gameboy in their cases... Only. Thank goodness for back packs, right? Take that carrying case for one item thats utterly pointless! Ha Ha!

Recklessness

I will never understand the minds of some people.

This morning i see a pregnant woman walk in for her shift holding a redbull. PREGNANT. Apparently she didn't think it was a big deal... Maybe it isn't to some people, but from what i understand, it is a VERY big deal. A soda? Fine. Red bull? No. She asked about coffee. Uh, hello? Caffeine?! Either she hasn't been to a pediatrician yet, or they didn't tell her what was bad for her baby. I took her red bull and threw it in the trash.

I don't get it. Some people think that a baby is like a toy you can put away when your bored with it, or give it to someone untill you feel like being a parent. They also don't give a damn about the child's well being before its even born.

I see it like this for a pregnant woman:

Would you put that in your baby's bottle and give it to them?

Would you give that to your newborn child to eat?

No? THEN DONT CONSUME IT YOURSELF!!! What ever you eat, the baby eats.

As far as the woman above goes- i was told that she was smoking a cigarette while prego. Last night, i caught it myself. Even if she weren't smoking herself, she was next to two other people smoking. 2nd hand smoke for a pregnant woman... *face palm*

Speaking of bad parenting...

Some little girl seemed to think that the middle of the road was the perfect place to ride her bike into oncoming traffic... No helmet, no pads, etc. The pads and helmet thing would be enforced by her parents if they saw HOW and WHERE she was riding her bike.

Middle of the road, "riding like an egyptian", hands in the air. Through traffic. Like it were the coolest thing in the world to be plowed over by three cars "like an egyptian." She Didn't even bother to look both ways, and when she noticed the cars in three different directions, she kept going like she owned the road. Her parents did not teach her to look both ways before crossing the road, so now she will have to learn the hard way because of her parents irresponsibility and ignorance. At least her friend had the brains to stay on the sidewalk, look both ways, stop when she saw cars, AND keep her hands on the handlebars.

When i made my turn, its like the stupid little twerp wanted to follow me and ask how cool she looked riding her bike and "dancing" at the same time. When i walked down the parking lot, the little turd and her smart friend rode by AGAIN. Little dumb ass had the nerve to look at me like I was the moron. I may do little jigs in the car while driving, but i look both ways and keep my eyes on the road, and hands on the wheel. If anything, kids need to pass a "Bicycle riding license" Test before they ride with out their mommys. If only i were a cop, i would write that little shit a ticket for reckless 'riding'. I dread the day she gets a drivers' license, but thankfully I will be LONG GONE out of state when that happens... She will most likely have it revoked after she backs out the first time. Then get it back at 18. And get it revoked again.

By giving your child little knowledge, you have given them a short life of misery.

Protect your children and give them the basic knowledge known as "Common Sense". They will live longer the more you teach them...

Human Consideration

I realized something today-

Typically, when we look at other people, say in a 7/11 or at a bus stop, or checking out groceries... We dont stop to think of who that person is, really. As of now the guy riding his bike smoking a cigarette, is just that. We dont stop to think:

What his name is, his favorite color, or ice cream he likes. Nor do we know if he has children or a spouse. We dont know if he just robbed a bank, or if he donates blood every year.

We calls 'em like we sees 'em. Some guy.

Its sad in a way that we never stop to think about that mans life, and all he has done or wants to do. He had a child hood, he gets sick, and he laughs at jokes, and cries when in pain. We all do.

And there is that guy on the motorcycle that cuts you off. First reaction is to swear and honk at his driving skills. He may be in a hurry to get to the hospital cause his girlfriend is going into labor. Or could be late for work. Or hes just being an ass hole.

When we look at a crowd of people- thats exactly what we see. (unless your selling stuff, then you see wallets) We never stop and think that some of those people have allergies. Others are going hungry today. Others aren't feeling well.

Id like to see people as their name and who they are. Everyone wear "Hello my name is:" tags, and we will have an ice breaker. You talk to people at the store when you see a name tag, because it is a level of trust you gain from subconsciously seeing (or knowing) that. You could go into your grocery store, see a young man stocking up canned goods. Say hello to him. Get his name. Ask him something nice, like his preference of the item he is stocking.

I did this many times at a circle k. I'd go in grab a soda, and ask for a scratch-off. when they ask me which one, i say "Surprise me" or something similar. most of the time they smile or laugh, and hand me one. Now, what i find great to do, is win my money back on the ticket. I brought it back in and handed it to the cashier who gave it to me. We joke about them being lucky, and they ask if i want cash or another ticket. "How bout you keep it?"

The look on their face is something i love to see. Shock, and surprise. "Have a great day!" go bout my business like it never happened. I know this person like i know popular music. (not at all) and i gave them a dollar for no reason. Just to do it. I dont care what they do with it, but i like to think i helped them out by showing them i remember they are not just a clerk. They are a person with a life, and have their own problems at home. That one dollar could have helped them buy a loaf of bread for their family, or finish paying their water bill, buy a text book for school, or buy a pack of smokes. I gave it out of generosity. I do not expect to walk into the store and ask for it to be paid back, nor for anyone to give me a dollar just because i did it. I only tell this story for an example. I did not know them, but i still consider their lives as i do my own. My only regret was not asking what they wanted to drink or a snack.

As for myself, i work fast food in the kitchen. i work long shifts sometimes and dont get to eat the food i cook for 6-10 hours at a time. But customers do not care who or how many people are making their order, just as long as they get it hot, fast, and delicious. Even large orders, 10 burgers in drive thru when i'm going on 8 hours not eating, and the only one in the back.

This is what i get paid to do, so im not complaining, just take into consideration that the one making your double cheese burger with super sized fries and shake... may not have eaten for 10 hours now. Or may have been holding their bladder for 3 hours.

Before cussing out the person who made your order wrong, or gave you the wrong item, think about how busy they may have been, how long that person has been there, or the fact they may have needed to use the bathroom. Yes, we all make mistakes, but we are human, just like you. You need to eat just like i do, have to use the bathroom, have bad days, and get tired.

Maybe the manager you are giving a hard time is going through a bad divorce and is more concerned with loosing custody over his kids than you not getting cheese on your burger.

Before treating people like they are stupid minions, paid to be your bitch, consider this:

They make your order, they got your credit card number.

Dont dish out something you wont eat.

TRUST

My scale of trust for people is based upon how much $ i would trust them to pay back.

Most start with $5. Then over time would escalate from that, or drop, depending on how unreliable you are. So many people think i would just hand them $100 and not think twice to pay it back. So I lie about how much i have; in one way or another. Im not just going to hand over cash to some douche who orders it rather than ask. Either way, you arent getting it.

The reason i start with 5 and work from there is because its an amount small enough to not really care if i get back, but if i do, its awesome. then i can trust them with a little more next time. When i dont get it back, ill remember. And the time it takes to get it back (if ever) takes a toll too. Some people i would only loan them 50 cents. Some are less than that. But others, i would trust with a credit card, check book, wad of 100's and my child.

A Bitter Taste

Today a bitter taste is in my mouth. My fingers are jittery and arms are weak.

I can't help to think of myself becoming a bitter person. I don't want this, but some little things get under my skin and i flip my lid. I look at everything in the negative, now. What was good is now bad, what was too bright is now to damn dark. I don't know if its just me being a bitter grumpy old man, or if this means i'm changing into someone i hate.

RECALL TO REALITY:

Maybe the simple fact that i notice i am being grumpy, and do not like it is the indication that it is a minor thing that can be changed. If i see it, and don't like it, i can make it go away by turning on the light, or adding some sugar to it. The fact i notice this reminds me i still have a soul, and is still a good one, just needs guidance and clarity. I am not a bad person. Nor do i want to be. I cant let the evil temptations pull me down to the flames.

I cant help to notice myself getting upset, or being so crudely skeptical, or even outright insulting. When that happens it leaves the bitterness on my tongue, and it stays there. For a long time. Some people do things, admit it, gain forgiveness, and forget it ever happened. Not me. I become so ashamed of myself of the wrongs i do, it marinates inside for years.

Example:

When i was in college for the first time, i was with a girl (for the sake of privacy i will not use real names) L. she was young, and not really around because of the distance. I slept with a girl i met in college, A, and fell head over heels for her. I never told L what i did, i just dumped her while being an asshole to her. That still sits in my heart, and I don't know if she ever will know. But that, was only the tip of the ice berg. After the dump, I used A in so many ways, but never abused her. She bought me food, use her bed, drive me to and from class, bring me where ever, and bought me tickets to concerts. I said thanks, did her, and forgot about her. Then i met another woman, C. i was with her for over a year, but she was distanced in another state. Again, i remembered A, and cheated on C with her. Treated C like dirt, got dumped, and A wanted nothing to do with me anymore. It stuck in side, for a few years, i apologized to A for treating her that way, she forgave me, but the fact i did it still hurts. She may have forgiven and forgotten, but i don't feel deserving of forgiveness. I just recently told C about me and A doing what we did. She ultimately forgave me, but the guilt remains within me.

I explained that her forgiveness was the first step to forgiving myself, and its a long process.

Sometimes i feel that having the conscious i have is more of a curse than a blessing. I feel for everyones sympathy, no matter what the emotion is, i can feel it. kinda like a super power, but less intense. I feed of of the emotions of others, when one is hurt, i do to. But it goes the same way with happiness. When others are happy, so am I.

Just gotta keep my head on straight.

And add a packet of Sweet-N-low to my coffee. Or six.

Poptarts, Hals commercial, and Youtube. WHAT!

It seems that the convienent hot meals come in packs between 1-4.

So I can have a fast, hot, delicious breakfast one day, and the day im running late i have to eat my cereal out a cup in the car.

A great example would be the breakfast hot pockets. 2 in a box. Thatll cover me running late twice in one week, but then again i have poptarts. Small box has 4 pouches of 2 poptarts- 8 in a box. I can grab a pack 4 days.

I dont know where i was going with that exactly. Just an observation i guess.

Why do 2 poptarts come in one pouch? It'd be fine if it was in a re-sealable pouch, so you can eat one and save the other for another time. Thats actually a good idea i think. And if it were a microwavable pouch too, it can be made to where you could toast them in the microwave too, for those who dont have a toaster, because students in collage, and those in an office, typically would have a small microwave of some sort. Not a toaster. Just a thought, guys.

OTHER TOPIC:

Remember the coughdrop commercial with the little asian lady in a grocery store stocking the freezers? Then the army dude shows up and does the drill sargent thing, she screams and he flys away from it?

I think i broke this down, and dont know why id like to share...

shes got a cold, wearing a sweater, with USED tissues in her sleeve- no gloves- stocking food in a freezer. She clearly does not need to be stocking cold food with a cold. The tissues have contaminated her hand and therefore has spread to the packages of food. With the freezers being the proper temperature (30 degrees or below, i believe) the germs SHOULD be dead. But take into consideration that maybe a customer gets that item when the temperature has not reached its safe zone. They could get sick. Aside from that, her boss must have been a jerk "Oh you have a cold huh? well go stock the freezers." Thats why the drill sarge got on to her, he was going to get Mrs. Sarge some frozen chicken nuggets, and the bag had snot on it. Then when she screamed him away, she changed faces between the cut. (Continuity!) and she was flexing like a pro weight lifter- showing off her sweater-covered biceps. I highly doubt ANY cough drop would make my "War face" and scream blow a sarge out of a grocery store. I'd get smacked down for that crap.

Is it bad to notice mistakes made in commercials that play over and over? Its sad when a student in college can do better work than professionals who have been doing it for years. A friend of mine wrote an essay about old hollywood and new hollywood.

Old hollywood was about making an artistic, entertaining piece, and pull you into the story and all. Where as the new hollywood, is about the buck. Eye candy like women, mucles, guns, explosions, cars, all used to draw in the mass audience of men 18-30. (Age may varry) Lets face it, even the actors do the job for money and fame now adays. then it was for their many fans, they were great at what they did, and put their passion into the role being played. Now, its not always like that. We have become more about money- Quantity over quality. I'd like to one of the guys that worries more about the quality, plot, story; just making an out-right damn good film for people to watch and enjoy, and still want more. Then do it again. Wow them a second time. Keep getting better, being more Old school than new. New is strange and crazy to me, old has proven itself to work time and time again. But in the cut-throat industry, everyone wants to be uniqe and stand out and make a movie with explosions, gun fire, big breasts, big biceps, high-revving engines, and lens flair. Just throw all that into a jar and shake well. Pour onto your TV, and you have a "New Hollywood" movie. Megan Fox? Please. Ive seen toys that have more realism. Give me a new, "Old Hollywood" Style movie with real talent like Tom Hanks, or Jim Carrey. Dont throw a set of double D's in the mix just to sell it. Let talent and the artistic capabilities wow the audience. Oh, and on that note, dont put all the best parts in the trailer so i can see the trailer in theatres mixed with boring crap.

Youtube:

Where is the professionalism? Some videos have WMM titles on them, like its so awesome and they are pros... Uh, no? Some of us are trying to get noticed and get jobs by using this site to show are professionalism, (Filmriot, IndyMogul, Video Copilot, Freddiew, etc...) all are damn good at their film making skills and have tutorials and tips for us other potential professionals. Video bloggers, okay. Some video bloggs are funny as hell. But mostly dull as shit. Audition clips: fine. Music videos, shorts, thats great. Just dont take a song into WMM and put a slide show to it and cheezy titles that take forever to read. Its so stupid. Lyrics to a song? PLEASE!!! bad idea, people. Its stupid and a waste of space on YT. Tag your videos with what it involves so other users dont have to weed through all of those stupid "I made this video of a song and pictures of the band. Enjoy and subscribe!" bullshit to find what im looking for. A search that should have taken 5 minutes takes 30 because of all the garbage clips and miss-labeling. If you made the song, try something original, not a "remake" or a "reboot" or a "my version of bla bla"- Do a cover? Great. LABEL IT AS A COVER! If it isnt "Original" or "Official" Dont put it in the title.

Now im in a position where i post something on my page, i see its stupid, lame, or just needs to go. So i delete it. Others have hundreds of videos and all of them are total trash. I and my fellow filmmakers cant get noticed by others because you want to fill youtube with a clip of you and your buddies playing with fruit, and calling it EPIC FIGHT where the only thing that happens is an orange is thrown at a wall. Then tagged is things like, epic fruit, big, fun, funny, win, super, music, dumb, bla bla... I can give you DUMB for that clip. but id rather it just not exist. THINK! what is in demand? what is hard to find? Make it easy TO find. Delete the garbage and title and tag appropriatly.

When commenting, keep it proffesional, none of that "Yo, nigga dat siz iz wak dawg!" or "This movie sucks. Slap your self." its rude, and in considerate to do. Leave constructive criticim. EXAMPLES: "Wow! great job! loved the shot on 1:22!" or "I think the colors may be off, try color correction?" or maybe "I think the audio needs work."- thats totaly cool. No need to trash somone unless they are just an idiot. Legit.

-Done for today.

I should have noticed the dingle-berry in my idiot-flakes this morning, but it all tastes the same to me today.

today feels a bit of betrayal, but more of being demasculated. Thats what i want to rant about.

The holidays stressed me out. i saw all the stuff that my son got, and looked at what i was able to get him. a Thomas book, and a toy gutar i found in the dumpster. Thats all i could afford to get him. All the other gifts made him happy, but of corse showed me that i couldnt get that for him, or anything else he wants. I work my ass off, and i have almost nothing to show for it. With all the gifts under the tree, i got 2. A gift card that i used to get motor oil for the car, and $40 cash that i used for gas, and laundry. this made me understand that of all the hard work i do, little is noticed. Under apreciated.

I spoke of this with my wife, and she suggested i take a portion of our income tax (after bills of corse) and be selfish. Buy what ever i want within that price range. That lifted my spirits a bit.