A Bitter Taste

Today a bitter taste is in my mouth. My fingers are jittery and arms are weak.

I can't help to think of myself becoming a bitter person. I don't want this, but some little things get under my skin and i flip my lid. I look at everything in the negative, now. What was good is now bad, what was too bright is now to damn dark. I don't know if its just me being a bitter grumpy old man, or if this means i'm changing into someone i hate.

RECALL TO REALITY:

Maybe the simple fact that i notice i am being grumpy, and do not like it is the indication that it is a minor thing that can be changed. If i see it, and don't like it, i can make it go away by turning on the light, or adding some sugar to it. The fact i notice this reminds me i still have a soul, and is still a good one, just needs guidance and clarity. I am not a bad person. Nor do i want to be. I cant let the evil temptations pull me down to the flames.

I cant help to notice myself getting upset, or being so crudely skeptical, or even outright insulting. When that happens it leaves the bitterness on my tongue, and it stays there. For a long time. Some people do things, admit it, gain forgiveness, and forget it ever happened. Not me. I become so ashamed of myself of the wrongs i do, it marinates inside for years.

Example:

When i was in college for the first time, i was with a girl (for the sake of privacy i will not use real names) L. she was young, and not really around because of the distance. I slept with a girl i met in college, A, and fell head over heels for her. I never told L what i did, i just dumped her while being an asshole to her. That still sits in my heart, and I don't know if she ever will know. But that, was only the tip of the ice berg. After the dump, I used A in so many ways, but never abused her. She bought me food, use her bed, drive me to and from class, bring me where ever, and bought me tickets to concerts. I said thanks, did her, and forgot about her. Then i met another woman, C. i was with her for over a year, but she was distanced in another state. Again, i remembered A, and cheated on C with her. Treated C like dirt, got dumped, and A wanted nothing to do with me anymore. It stuck in side, for a few years, i apologized to A for treating her that way, she forgave me, but the fact i did it still hurts. She may have forgiven and forgotten, but i don't feel deserving of forgiveness. I just recently told C about me and A doing what we did. She ultimately forgave me, but the guilt remains within me.

I explained that her forgiveness was the first step to forgiving myself, and its a long process.

Sometimes i feel that having the conscious i have is more of a curse than a blessing. I feel for everyones sympathy, no matter what the emotion is, i can feel it. kinda like a super power, but less intense. I feed of of the emotions of others, when one is hurt, i do to. But it goes the same way with happiness. When others are happy, so am I.

Just gotta keep my head on straight.

And add a packet of Sweet-N-low to my coffee. Or six.

Poptarts, Hals commercial, and Youtube. WHAT!

It seems that the convienent hot meals come in packs between 1-4.

So I can have a fast, hot, delicious breakfast one day, and the day im running late i have to eat my cereal out a cup in the car.

A great example would be the breakfast hot pockets. 2 in a box. Thatll cover me running late twice in one week, but then again i have poptarts. Small box has 4 pouches of 2 poptarts- 8 in a box. I can grab a pack 4 days.

I dont know where i was going with that exactly. Just an observation i guess.

Why do 2 poptarts come in one pouch? It'd be fine if it was in a re-sealable pouch, so you can eat one and save the other for another time. Thats actually a good idea i think. And if it were a microwavable pouch too, it can be made to where you could toast them in the microwave too, for those who dont have a toaster, because students in collage, and those in an office, typically would have a small microwave of some sort. Not a toaster. Just a thought, guys.

OTHER TOPIC:

Remember the coughdrop commercial with the little asian lady in a grocery store stocking the freezers? Then the army dude shows up and does the drill sargent thing, she screams and he flys away from it?

I think i broke this down, and dont know why id like to share...

shes got a cold, wearing a sweater, with USED tissues in her sleeve- no gloves- stocking food in a freezer. She clearly does not need to be stocking cold food with a cold. The tissues have contaminated her hand and therefore has spread to the packages of food. With the freezers being the proper temperature (30 degrees or below, i believe) the germs SHOULD be dead. But take into consideration that maybe a customer gets that item when the temperature has not reached its safe zone. They could get sick. Aside from that, her boss must have been a jerk "Oh you have a cold huh? well go stock the freezers." Thats why the drill sarge got on to her, he was going to get Mrs. Sarge some frozen chicken nuggets, and the bag had snot on it. Then when she screamed him away, she changed faces between the cut. (Continuity!) and she was flexing like a pro weight lifter- showing off her sweater-covered biceps. I highly doubt ANY cough drop would make my "War face" and scream blow a sarge out of a grocery store. I'd get smacked down for that crap.

Is it bad to notice mistakes made in commercials that play over and over? Its sad when a student in college can do better work than professionals who have been doing it for years. A friend of mine wrote an essay about old hollywood and new hollywood.

Old hollywood was about making an artistic, entertaining piece, and pull you into the story and all. Where as the new hollywood, is about the buck. Eye candy like women, mucles, guns, explosions, cars, all used to draw in the mass audience of men 18-30. (Age may varry) Lets face it, even the actors do the job for money and fame now adays. then it was for their many fans, they were great at what they did, and put their passion into the role being played. Now, its not always like that. We have become more about money- Quantity over quality. I'd like to one of the guys that worries more about the quality, plot, story; just making an out-right damn good film for people to watch and enjoy, and still want more. Then do it again. Wow them a second time. Keep getting better, being more Old school than new. New is strange and crazy to me, old has proven itself to work time and time again. But in the cut-throat industry, everyone wants to be uniqe and stand out and make a movie with explosions, gun fire, big breasts, big biceps, high-revving engines, and lens flair. Just throw all that into a jar and shake well. Pour onto your TV, and you have a "New Hollywood" movie. Megan Fox? Please. Ive seen toys that have more realism. Give me a new, "Old Hollywood" Style movie with real talent like Tom Hanks, or Jim Carrey. Dont throw a set of double D's in the mix just to sell it. Let talent and the artistic capabilities wow the audience. Oh, and on that note, dont put all the best parts in the trailer so i can see the trailer in theatres mixed with boring crap.

Youtube:

Where is the professionalism? Some videos have WMM titles on them, like its so awesome and they are pros... Uh, no? Some of us are trying to get noticed and get jobs by using this site to show are professionalism, (Filmriot, IndyMogul, Video Copilot, Freddiew, etc...) all are damn good at their film making skills and have tutorials and tips for us other potential professionals. Video bloggers, okay. Some video bloggs are funny as hell. But mostly dull as shit. Audition clips: fine. Music videos, shorts, thats great. Just dont take a song into WMM and put a slide show to it and cheezy titles that take forever to read. Its so stupid. Lyrics to a song? PLEASE!!! bad idea, people. Its stupid and a waste of space on YT. Tag your videos with what it involves so other users dont have to weed through all of those stupid "I made this video of a song and pictures of the band. Enjoy and subscribe!" bullshit to find what im looking for. A search that should have taken 5 minutes takes 30 because of all the garbage clips and miss-labeling. If you made the song, try something original, not a "remake" or a "reboot" or a "my version of bla bla"- Do a cover? Great. LABEL IT AS A COVER! If it isnt "Original" or "Official" Dont put it in the title.

Now im in a position where i post something on my page, i see its stupid, lame, or just needs to go. So i delete it. Others have hundreds of videos and all of them are total trash. I and my fellow filmmakers cant get noticed by others because you want to fill youtube with a clip of you and your buddies playing with fruit, and calling it EPIC FIGHT where the only thing that happens is an orange is thrown at a wall. Then tagged is things like, epic fruit, big, fun, funny, win, super, music, dumb, bla bla... I can give you DUMB for that clip. but id rather it just not exist. THINK! what is in demand? what is hard to find? Make it easy TO find. Delete the garbage and title and tag appropriatly.

When commenting, keep it proffesional, none of that "Yo, nigga dat siz iz wak dawg!" or "This movie sucks. Slap your self." its rude, and in considerate to do. Leave constructive criticim. EXAMPLES: "Wow! great job! loved the shot on 1:22!" or "I think the colors may be off, try color correction?" or maybe "I think the audio needs work."- thats totaly cool. No need to trash somone unless they are just an idiot. Legit.

-Done for today.

I should have noticed the dingle-berry in my idiot-flakes this morning, but it all tastes the same to me today.

today feels a bit of betrayal, but more of being demasculated. Thats what i want to rant about.

The holidays stressed me out. i saw all the stuff that my son got, and looked at what i was able to get him. a Thomas book, and a toy gutar i found in the dumpster. Thats all i could afford to get him. All the other gifts made him happy, but of corse showed me that i couldnt get that for him, or anything else he wants. I work my ass off, and i have almost nothing to show for it. With all the gifts under the tree, i got 2. A gift card that i used to get motor oil for the car, and $40 cash that i used for gas, and laundry. this made me understand that of all the hard work i do, little is noticed. Under apreciated.

I spoke of this with my wife, and she suggested i take a portion of our income tax (after bills of corse) and be selfish. Buy what ever i want within that price range. That lifted my spirits a bit.

dungen

i m playin a game and this my doungen. its a test really...

Another Day-

***To reply to

"Facts of Life" Comment to Mykosis

on A. T. Hollier's Blog-***

Maybe the different kinds of religion are like different kinds of cereal. So many choices, all have their ups and their downs. Most people are afraid to belive in something different because they were told they will burn in hell forever if they "try another religion". (EXAMPLE)- Im pretty sure Walmart wouldnt care to much if i decided to go to Kroger because I like some products that Walmart dosen't have.

Another example: I like the "Clean Living" life style of the Mormon religion, but I like the meditation and "One with the spirits" stuff with Buddasm. Much like how like Cheeri-Os for the low colesterol, but i like Lucky Charms for the marshmellows. We all have a choice of what religion we go by. Maybe in a way, we are all supposed to form our own beliefs from what we see and hear from other religions. Take the examples from religions we like, and live your own religion the way you feel is right. If i want to worship my god in my way, then i shouldnt have to classify myself as anything but a follower of my own vision of God.

Im in no way implying that their should be a "Church of Micah" or a "Micah-ism" faith, or that anyone shpuld build their own church and start a full-blown faith. I have though to my self, if I am good to myself, and my fellow man and be the best person that I can be, and good things will come to me in this life and the next.

Heaven and Hell.

I think both places exist on an alternate plain. I kind of make the assumtion that heaven may be like an awesome waiting room. Waiting to be called to be reborn to a better easier life? That I just realized I am unsure of. However, hell i assume is also a waiting room, but a tourtureous place for your soul, waiting to be but into the body of another being for another chance to get things right. How many times would a cockroach have been re-encarnated to get it right?

I love the idea of churches getting donations and donating them to charities. I also agree that things like FEMA shouldnt exist because so many people are afraid of burning forever, they dump their walets into collections. Why not give it to those in need? Im sure the ministers boat payment can wait till later.

I like the idea of asking mother earth for forgiveness. She keeps us alive. I would like to believe that the earth was a form of God, but as you know, Catholasizm has been beaten into my head scence i was a kid. I was always told, God is God, be good or burn in hell for eternity. So, naturly, I am actualy afraid to belive in anything else but catholic faith. I do not want to fear every thing I do, or say as something that can potentionaly send me to hell. Religion is such a difficult thing, again like cereal, I grew up eating Cherios, but im afraid the "Cereal God" will smack me if i pick up Apple Jacks instead. Their are so many options.

Something that may be funny...

Cereals, chips, candy, and many other things have a variety pack where you can try several things by buying one bag or box. Try a religion sampler pack. A bit of mormon, jewish, baptist, athiest, ect. or even similar to a job fair. Apply for the potental career for the rest of your life, then go to a religion fair, and apply for some you may like in the afterlife.

What sucks about it is that you never will know if your religion was the right one untill your dead. When its to late to change. Its wasn't my choice to be raised in a particular religion, but now im afraid its wrong, and afraid to try something else. Brick wall.

Im becoming repetitive.

What's with today, today?

What if everything we learned to be right is actualy wrong. What if what we learned to be good is actually evil.

Start from the beginning.

Lucifer is the master of deception. What was to stop him from "acting" God's voice (which is to great for any human being to hear without death) to get down his 10 commandments? What if all our lives we have been following the route of evil?

a good example of what im thinking is "Thou shalt not steal"

Stealing is a sin, breaking the law, and immoral.

stealing food for your hungry family, its against the law still.

We would feel guilty for stealing, but to feed the family, we had to put morals aside. Would God still frown upon the theft, even though it were to feed the hungry?

Killing is against the law, a sin, and immoral. Still, we kill inmates on deathrow, and kill in wars. So its okay when the exicutionor throws the switch, but its not okay for us to kill others who have wronged us. Its also okay to shoot someone in another country, but isnt okay on the street of our home town.

Why is it THEY can break the law legaly but we cant?

Why do they have their own judge, jury, and exicutionor? That is God's job. We havent the knowledge of the one on trial's true past present or future. God knows. He knows where he was and what he was doing. If the human system were perfect, we woulnt have put so many innocent people to death.

On another note, we humans will do just about anything for money. We kill for it, we steal it, we go on gameshows and put our dignety out the window for it. Some of us work 40 plus hours weekly and still have nothing to show for it, while others work a few hours a week and get paid tripple or more. To get those jobs, most often, we have to spend every penny we earn and almost kill ourselves from starvation and sleep depervation, so we can get that slip of paper telling other people that we can do THAT job.

Black Cat

Two days ago.

The family and I were about to go to bed. The baby was asleep, and the wife had turned off the lights in the living room, and then we heard a meowing from outside. She looked out the window and saw a black cat sitting in front of our door. I opened the door a crack and it tried to get in, but i was able to stop it without touching it. It kept trying to come inside, almost like it was familiar with us and the apartment. No collar, no tags, nothing. Seemingly a stray. It acted like we were the owner.

It was just weird.

It left, but came back when the Mrs. talked about. -Three times.