Birthday Month

I call this Birthday Month because my wife's birthday, second son's and mine are all in this month...

As i have mentioned before, my birthday isn't a day i look forward to.
When I was young, like 9 or 10, a friend of mine drowned at my swimming party.

As many times as I have heard how it wasn't my fault, I can't help but to feel it partly is.

It comes and goes like a cold. The thought, and images replay in my head like a horror movie, and i can't stop them. They come more often this month.

I feel i have come to hate my birthday so much I refuse to even celebrate it. I dont want a dinner, a cake, or even presents. I just want my solitude. To just be alone.
Everyone insists on celebrating it, so I never really get my birthday wish.  I had a thought this year that seems more possible to help with this hole in the year.

Maybe I should go visit him on that day. Talk to him. He has been waiting for a long time... the last time I saw him was when I was about to join the Marines, so 17? 18? I'm not sure anymore. I went to him and told him I wanted to live my life for the both of us and join the services. After I raid it out loud, it sounded ridiculous. I could die, and I'm intending to live two lives? Well, obviously, i didn't go into the services, I failed the tests because I had a nasty migraine because I had to be off medications, which the result is just that. Never tried again, never got called back to try again.

Well, I have kept a part of that promise true, by living my life. I haven't entirely lived for him, but with having a family and all, it scares me that the same thing could happen to one of my boys. I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone. Not even an enemy. The Idea of it hurts. I dont want to get that call... I also don't want to be the one to make that call. That a child of yours, who you loved with all of your being, whom you fed and kissed goodnight, and changed them and sang them to sleep as a baby. The little one who was getting the hang of his math homework, and made the honor roll will not be sleeping in his bed ever again. Will never have another meal with again. Will NEVER hear those words that make being a parent all worth it. "I love you".

Any parent would break at the idea of never seeing their child again.
What to do? Everything reminds me of my kids. They remind me of how simple things used to be, and they are so lucky in so many ways. When they say ignorance is bliss, Look at your children. Most of them only know happiness and love. They don't understand jobs, money, death, politics... Or science for that matter. They want to know about toys games and anything fun. The simplest things can entertain a child for hours. To us, its a box. To them, it's a house, then a car, then a spaceship, then a time machine that can turn into all the above.
They dont need to know about passing away. They want to be happy, let them be happy. It is only one life to live, and we dont want to waste it being unhappy, and fearing the end of our life which we know will happen eventualy.
It may happen sooner than later, so be happy. Let your kids be happy. if they do go soon. At least the life they had was a happy one.
No parent should have to bury their own child.

There had been times between that birthday, and this one where I had wished it were me instead. The pain would have been spared from his family, but placed onto mine. I can't say I'd rather it were me then. But, I still don't want it to be his family either. To remove the pain from his, would to give it to another, because someone has to bear the pain for the sake of others. Their son could have been graduated at the top of his class as a medical student. A great Lawyer, or police officer who saved more lives than he could count... Or, it could have happened another way. Drive by, drug overdose... I doubt those, but it wasn't impossible. A good person was buried. He did not deserve to go. Not yet. But for some reason it was his time. When I saw him in school, I didn't see color, religion, or even social status. I saw a friendly face, and a good heart. That is what drew me to him to be his friend.

I am told over and over how it wasn't my fault, but i remember the scene. I could have done something, helped him call for an adult... Anything.

I was talking to my cousin about something. "L" fell in, I'm assuming, seeing as my back was turned. And my cousin pointed out he was splashing about and looked like he needed help. I turned, and mentioned that he liked to goof around like that, and continued what i was saying...
I remember my cousin trying to move a floating noodle over to him to help...
Then the adults panicked to see him at the bottom.
Bits come back, and I see what i did wrong. I didn't drown him myself, but I didnt help him either, which kind of makes me feel responsible. I can only imagine what his last thoughts were. "why aren't they helping me? I wish my momma was here, I am so scared, I can't swim. Why isn't my friend helping me? I trusted you..."
He must have been terrified- unable to breathe, panicked, feeling like the end is closer than rescue.


He may not haunt me. But it feels like he does in a way. He must have been at peace, or he would have made his presence known right?
as much as I think about it, the worse I feel. I don't want to forget...

If I hear another person tell me that I am not at any fault, I'm telling you are wrong. I still feel it. Words from the living are not going to change the way I feel about the dead's passing. I bring myself to tears when thinking long and hard enough. as I stated before, it comes and goes. Like a cold. Some times its bad, and others its like the flu.
No one but him can tell me I am not at fault. That will be hard for him to say right now. I haven't been able to express this accurately until lately. Your words will not change anything. His words, may not even do it.
When I feel responsible for someone's pain... It sticks with me like a pin in my hip. It's not going anywhere. It sits inside me and festers. I feel sad, almost every day when reflecting on what i have done. I may have said something rude, and you think its no big deal. to me... its like stealing from them.

Others may be able to let it go, and forgive and forget. I don't want to forget, when I remember, I can't forgive myself.

I intend to have a film close to me dedicated to him upon it's completion. "RR-LB"